Being jealous is something that just about everyone experiences at some point or the other in their lives. And of a fact, jealousy is not always a bad thing. However, it can become dangerous and destructive when that jealousy is irrational and consuming. Jealousy has lead to obsession, stalking, and even murder, thus something we have to be mindful of in our relationships while dealing with the signs as they appear.
Jealousy is made of a variety of emotions, ranging from suspicion to anger, fear, humiliation and even depression. It is no respecter of persons and can affect you no matter your age, gender, religious belief, education. status, etc. Jealousy usually rears its head when a person perceives a threat to a treasured relationship from a third party. The situation is made even more complex because that threat can be either real or imagined.
Many stories have been told and many true-to-life movies filmed on how one spouse ended up killing the other out of jealousy and sometimes even turning the weapon upon themselves.
So what are the positives and negatives of having a jealous spouse and how do you deal with it?
Sometimes Being Jealous Is Normal and Natural
Some psychologists believe one should pay attention to their feelings of jealousy as it is a signal or a wake-up call that your relationship is in danger and that steps need to be taken to regain the affection of that partner before it breaks down.
When Is Jealousy Ok
Both men and women get jealous. But research has shown that when it comes to romantic relationships, men feel greater jealousy about sexual infidelity (real or perceived), while women tend to feel more jealous about emotional infidelity.
When we look into the Bible we see God himself declaring in one of the 10 commandments that ‘I am a jealous God…’. That tells us, therefore, that if the creator Himself can get jealous we too will from time to time. So when is jealousy ok?
1. Just getting to know the person. If you are in a young relationship and do not yet know your partner and the feelings they have for you, you may find yourself becoming jealous just seeing them shower that attention on someone else. It is quite normal to feel jealous in this situation simply because you have not been told nor shown how that person feels towards you. Confidence in a relationship eliminates jealousy and if you have not yet developed that confidence that you are the only person in your partner’s romantic world this could lead to feelings of jealousy.
2. Someone else getting more attention than you are. If you are out with your partner and they are obviously giving more attention to the hottie from his work rather than to you as his date. Then being jealous is normal and even expected. Nothing is wrong with you. The fact is that if you are out on a date, you should be the center of that date and not someone else that he may have bumped into.
Jealousy Steps In when Someone Else Is Getting The Attention You Should
3. If your partner has a best friend that they spend more time with than you. Getting jealous because your partner has a best friend of the opposite sex that he/she spends more time with than they do with you, then this can make you jealous. This too is quite natural as jealousy is not necessarily about two people having sex, it is also about time and attention given to someone else that should be given to you. If this is happening then you will find that jealousy of that best friend can step in.
If this is the case, talk to your partner about it before it develops into resentment towards that best friend and causes division between you and your spouse. While your spouse may have a best friend of the opposite sex, their needs should at no point take precedence over yours. If your partner refuses to see things from your end and refuses to give up some of the time spent with that friend you may want to rethink if he values that friend more than you. If this is the case, you have a problem! If you are in a relationship with someone you should be the most valuable person in their world.
4. They confide in someone else rather than you. If you find that your partner is not confiding in you but will tell all that they are going through — their problems at work, their childhood fatigue, their dreams, etc to someone else than you, and you in fact have found these out from that other person then it is quite natural to feel jealous.
Jealousy Comes When They Confide In Someone Else Rather Than You
5. He has fun out with others but not with you. Definitely, a reason for your to feel jealous! if your partner goes out with friends all the time — especially female friends but never takes you out, then, of course, it is natural for you to feel jealous! you are human after all! A healthy relationship is about spending time together doing stuff. He prefers doing just about everything with someone else other than you then jealousy will step in.
6. He compliments others – but not you! He is not afraid to tell you how good your girlfriends look and how that girl at work wore a tight skirt to work that showed up her figure and had all the men in the office drooling (including him). You immediately looked back in your mind’s eye at the last time he complimented you and cannot even recall. If you find jealousy whelming up inside it is quite natural and understandable. If he has been making you feel special then you would probably laugh at his description of your friends or the girl from his office, but if not, then jealousy is the natural emotion that may arise at the forefront.
7. He still takes his child’s mother on dates — Yes he knew her before he did you, but he told you their relationship was long over. So now he tells you he is taking her out on a date to ‘talk about the future of their child’, not once, not twice, but on a monthly basis. You have all right to be jealous. This is surely not acceptable unless you are a part of the dates since you are now a part of the child’s life. Do not feel bad for feeling jealous. In fact, it may even make you a little mad.
8. He’s still friends with his ex. This is often the elephant in the room in many relationships — he is still friends with his ex. There may not be anything wrong with that in many instances but it will depend on the extent of that friendship and how open that friendship is to you. Some wives have grown to become friends with the exes and are quite comfortable with that. But this would have depended on the openness all three have regarding the friendship.
If you are forced to accept the situation and basically told that you have no choice in the matter (as many men have done and continue to do), then for sure you will become jealous that (1) the friend has been chosen over you, (2) your partner sees the necessity of valuing that friends needs over your own. Do not beat up yourself for feeling jealous. This is a natural reaction to a situation that requires intervention from a relationship coach.
9. You are unable to give him kids while his ex has 2! He already accepted that because of your fibroid issues you would not be able to have kids. However, he is always out with his ex and their kids and you are not invited. You will naturally feel jealous and even hurt.
You Can Get Jealous If He Is Out With His Kids And Their Mom
10. His female friends are more educated. You go to his office party and he has deep thought-provoking conversations with his female coworkers as they talked about the stuff they learned while studying for their doctorate. You were barely able to complete high school and begin to feel that you are inadequate for him. Jealousy steps in and you hate yourself for it as you realize they have more in common with him than you do. It is quite natural to feel this way under the circumstance. Just remind yourself he knew from you met that you did not hold a degree.
11. You want your ex back. If your aim is to win your ex back who dumped you, then going out and flirting with other guys in his presence is not a bad thing. In fact, it can work in your favor in terms of making him aware of what he lost and that someone else may become the center of your world instead of him. His jealousy may cause him to run right back to you! Ain’t nothing wrong here!
When Jealousy Becomes Dangerous
As mentioned above jealousy is not always bad and is sometimes quite natural. However, how you deal with that jealousy is what can make the difference between jealousy being natural as against it getting out of hand, consuming you and your partner, and even becoming fatal.
Here are some signs to let you realize that jealousy is no longer normal and has become dangerous for you, your partner, and the relationship in general.
1. Always accusing you. You have never been unfaithful and have no intention of doing so. Yet, your spouse is always accusing you of having affairs. If you are late home from work they tell you that you were with someone else and that they know you have been cheating.
Jealousy Will Cause Your Spouse To Accuse You Of Cheating
2. Your work is being affected. You are very unhappy in your relationship from all the accusations of unfaithfulness even though your spouse has never had any proof of what they have been accusing you of. You barely get time to sleep at nights and is woken in the mornings by more shouts of infidelity. Now you are constantly tired at work and making a number of noticeable errors.
3. He/She stalks you. Even after cutting ties with your ex based on their unfounded accusations, they still continue to show up at your work unannounced and sometimes even cause scenes. Not only that, but you noticed their car parked across the street from your home and you are always running into them in parking lots — no matter where!
4. He rings your phone non-stop — You only just left him five minutes ago and he rings your phone asking where you are and who you are with. Minutes later he is at it again!
5. He smells your underwear when you get home. Yes! As disgusting as this might sound it does happen more than you imagine. If your partner has taken to smelling your underwear in the evenings in an effort to identify if you slept with someone else, that jealousy is definitely at a dangerous point!
6. He destroys your cell phone. You are an adult, but nonetheless, you are not allowed a cell phone because he says you will be using it to be in touch with other men. Before that you were constantly being accused of being on the phone with men — even while talking to your mom, and as if that was not bad enough now he literally took your phone and destroyed it out of anger. Jealousy is really bad!
7. You are only allowed to go out with him. You are basically a prisoner as you cannot even go to the grocery store without him in pursuit. Friends are out of the picture as he feels your girlfriends are a bad influence and all males only want to get with you.
Irrational Jealousy Can lead to Stalking
8. He is obsessive. His jealousy has now become an obsession as he cannot seem to be able to function unless you are around. He will confront you in public of cheating on him, calls and texts nonstop, and when you do not respond immediately he shows up at your location accusing you. Then later on breaks down and tells you he cannot live without you and if you leave he would kill himself. Your relationship now needs a serious professional intervention!
9. He is abusive. As if his false accusations were not enough, he has now become physically abusive when you deny being involved with someone else. It started with a slap across the face. You forgave him when he begged you to and believed him when he brought flowers and said he would never do it again. Now it’s a constant occurrence followed by constant apologies.
10. He’s very needy. Because of his paranoia, he wants you to always be assuring him that everything is good and that he has nothing to worry about. However, no matter how often you do, he is right back to accusing and arguing that you are never there for him. you are becoming worn out and feel you cannot take it anymore. It’s time for professional intervention.
As you can see while there is a natural kind of jealousy there is also jealousy that is detrimental. The key is to know the difference and deal with it accordingly.
How To Deal With A Jealous Spouse
For sure, it is never easy to cope when it comes to irrational jealousy that has consumed both your partner and the relationship. This is even worse when you are in a marriage, a long-term relationship, or a relationship where kids are involved making it not so easy to just walk away. However, and thankfully, there are things that you can do in dealing with your jealous spouse. But what you do and how you cope will be depended on the severity of that jealousy.
There Are Ways To Deal With A Jealous Spouse
♦ Talk about the accusations in the initial stages
It is best to try to nip the situation in the bud before it festers and becomes infected. The longer the situation is left unattended is the more jealousy takes root and becomes dangerous. This has resulted in the ending of many otherwise good relationships. Therefore, the moment the finger-pointing and accusations begin, it is best to invite your spouse to have a talk about the situation. If you want to go out on a date to bring this up then you can, or if you want to stay at home and have the discussion you can also opt for that, as long as it does not turn into a shouting match.
The aim is to get it through to your spouse that you do not like the accusations; to reassure them firmly and honestly that there is nothing to worry about; to reaffirm your love, commitment, and appreciation of him/her and only them; and point out the damage that could result if the accusations continue. Tell them that if they have any questions in the future they can feel free to come to you to clear it up but you will not accept the arguments.
♦ Make extra effort to be open and honest about everything
Once a person is jealous you really don’t have to give them a reason to start going off on you. All it takes is a thought in their imagination that you were up to no good for the accusation to begin. However, after realizing that he is unnaturally jealous, try to help him by being totally open and honest about your actions and whereabouts. Any question he asked should be answered as calmly as possible. This may be very hard for you to do if you are being falsely accused over and over knowing you are not guilty, however, arguing back makes him think you are defensive. On the other hand, remaining silent and ignoring him may also escalate the situation. Therefore, extra effort is needed to remain calm, open, and honest.
Make Extra Effort To Be Open And Honest When Dealing With A Jealous Spouse
♦ Lay Out Boundaries
Now that you are having the discussion it is of vital importance that you set boundaries as to what you expect when suspicions occur, and how you expect it to be dealt with. In other words, tell him that he is free to come to you to talk about any suspicions he may have but also that you don’t expect him to keep on accusing you of things he would have already known from the past that you would not do.
If however, you have cheated in the past and this is the cause of his suspicions then you will have to be patient while answering his questions and patiently explaining that things are different and how, since your infidelity. Getting rid of jealousy in this case is a matter of rebuilding trust.
If he has no cause to be jealous then let him know that even though you are married you still both have individual likes and dislikes and you will from time to time have the need to hang with your friends and do things on your own even as he does.
♦ Reassurance
Jealousy sometimes arises from a lack of confidence in the relationship as one partner may feel either that they are not good enough; that they do not hold the number one position in your life; or from baggage from a past relationship where they may have been cheated on. Therefore, try to find out where this feeling of insecurity is coming from and reassure them of where they stand in your life; how much they mean to you; and that their happiness is your number one focus. Thus you would not do anything to hurt them. Remind them of the reasons you are together and the reasons you want to stay together.
Reassuring Your Partner Can Help With Feelings Of Jealousy
♦ Apply Patience
Again, as hard as it may be, apply patience. Try not to get angry and defensive. Try not to give in to the desire to walk away from the argument as this will only infuriate them more and make them feel you in fact have something to hide. This may not be the reason but their brain is not processing rational thoughts during the heat of an argument. Therefore, as hard as it is, be patient in hearing them out and be respectful in your responses.
♦ Challenge your spouse to get rid of negative thoughts
Let your partner know that the more they think negative things about you the more they will start to believe them. And that they should try to think about the positives in the relationship instead. Let them know that if they want your relationship to work and be healthy they have to start thinking about the good they see in you.
♦ Seek help
Depending on the extent of your partner’s jealousy there may very well be nothing more that you can do. You have tried being patient in bearing the accusations; patient in answering his question; you did your best in reassuring him — but nothing has changed. In fact, they seem to have got worse. Now it’s time for you to seek help. Get in touch with a counselor, a psychologist, a therapist, or a relationship coach. Let your partner know that you want both of you to seek help as you realize the relationship is not where you would want it to be.
Things Not To Do When Dealing With A Jealous Spouse
Sometimes we do things thinking it will make our situations better but afterward regret doing it because then we realized we only made it worse. Your response and reaction can either help to make your situation better or worse. Here are a few things NOT to do in dealing with a jealous spouse.
› Do not argue back
› Do not start doing what you are being accused of out of spite
› Avoid keeping secrets from your spouse
› Avoid threatening retaliations
› Do not ignore your spouse, thinking this will calm them down
› Do not stay in the relationship if he/she gets physically abusive or starts threatening you
› Do not lose your self-esteem
› Do not compromise your safety, your freedom, or your happiness simply to make them happy
