Unfortunately, getting involved in an affair happens every single day to people we know and people we don’t know. It has been happening from as way back as one can remember and will continue long after our generation has passed. Many books have been written about it and many blogs posted. But sometimes it takes the persons both involved in the cheating and those doing the cheating to tell the real story and the impact. Here a few persons share their whys and how to cope from both ends, along with what to do to avoid getting caught up in this destructive act.
Why I cheated — Real Stories
“To hide from reality”
I was pregnant when I got married. It was against my religion and we both figured it would be best if we were married so no one would know what we had done. To be honest, the marriage was more a cover-up than anything else. I knew I was not in love with him from day one. I was a virgin when I got pregnant and was a mistake on both our parts. But he was a good man. He knew I didn’t believe in abortion and he didn’t want people to think I was sleeping around. So we got married. I believe he loved me very much. He treated me great, but I was not sexually attracted to him. Three years after we were married I fell in love with someone else. I never felt that way with anyone before. Before I knew it we were sleeping together. I was in love with him but I found out later that I was just one of his many women. I didn’t mean anything to him more than just someone to have sex with. At first, I thought it was because I was married why he didn’t want us to go out in public. I found out later that it was not to protect me. It was to protect him.
Some Cheat To Hide From Reality
It was worse than living in a loveless marriage where you have to pretend. I know I got involved because I was hiding from reality. I felt stuck in a marriage I was bound to for the rest of my life with someone I didn’t have any feelings for. I wanted to feel what people feel to be in love and be loved in return. I knew my husband loved me, but how do you make yourself love someone that you didn’t? We also did not believe in divorce so that for me was a life sentence.
Her Advice:
No matter what the circumstances are, never marry someone you do not love. Even if they love you. Unless you know that what you are getting from the marriage is enough to sustain your relationship forever. Because no matter how you try to make it work, if you do not love the person you are married to there will be an emptiness and at some point, you will want to fill that emptiness.
— Jacinth L, 38
“It made me feel like a man”
I love sex. So I had a lot of girls. I was married but my wife could not satisfy me. To be fair to her I don’t believe it was her fault. She was the best wife you could ask for. She took care of the three kids (one was from a prior relationship), she was an excellent cook, and she knew how to budget and take care of the household. She was really a good woman. She was a lecturer at the university so she was the one making the bulk of the money and paying mortgage and bills. I just bought food. I was a taxi driver so really and truly I didn’t make nearly as much as she was making. That made me feel less of a man. She never complained but sometimes I would wonder what she really thought of me. She was so independent and more time I had to depend on her.
I think that is why I cheated. To feel like a man. Having women that would tell you how great you are felt really good. It made me feel wanted and appreciated, and so the more I hear it the more I wanted to hear it so I gravitated to these women. Because I drove a taxi, it was very easy to get women. Sometimes you offer to pick them up from work and drop them home free of charge or grab groceries for them. And things like that made them think of you as a good man. So I would do those things. My wife never questioned me because she knew how the taxi business worked. It had no time limit. And to be honest I think she trusted me because I never really gave her any reasons not to. She never caught me doing anything suspicious and I had two cell phones. I never gave out my personal number to anyone. But one was strictly business. So even when I was home at night it would be off and in the care. No one could get me at certain hours. That was just family time. So I tried to be careful. It wasn’t any of those relationships where you got fully involved. Going out on dates in public or planning family things together was not a part of it. I made sure they all knew I was married and I was not leaving my wife. For the most part, they were good with that. They all thought they were the only one apart from my wife because I made them feel special the best way I could.
Some Cheat To Feel Wanted
But my wife found out I was sleeping with someone else when she went to the doctor and was told she had a sexually transmitted disease. Of course, I denied doing anything but she knew. She didn’t leave me but it destroyed all the trust she had in me. I couldn’t let her know I didn’t know who I got it from because there were so many. I used protection most times but there were times when I didn’t, especially if the other woman was on birth control. Now my marriage is nowhere near what it used to be. It has been over a year and she does not sleep with me and make the usual sacrifices that she once did. I regret it every day because I love my wife. And I can tell every man out there, cheating is not worth it.
His Advice:
Sometimes we find excuses to cheat which is all in our heads. I cheated because it made me feel good about myself even though my wife never did or said anything to make me feel less of a man. There is really no excuse for cheating and eventually, it will catch up with you. Right now I am still trying to prove to my wife that it is worth it. And my marriage is still up in the air. It is not worth it! When your wife stops trusting you it is the worst feeling you can have as a man. Don’t give your spouse reasons to stop trusting you.
— Ethan T, 41
“It’s In my genes”
The way I figured it, it is just something that you cannot control. I have tried. I never cheated for like four months but then I started seeing some very hot chicks and I just had to say something to them. Then one thing leads to another. Yes. I was married but it didn’t matter. It’s like that is the way I was born. I started having sex since I was 12 so it just became a natural part of me. After I married I really tried. But like I said my faithfulness lasted four months before I started having the urge to sleep with other women again. I spoke to some friends and they think something is wrong with me because my wife is hotttt!!! So I can only conclude that it is in my genes. My father had seven outside children and five with my mother who is his wife. She knew but she couldn’t do anything because it had already gone bad. My uncle is no different. Some of my brothers are worse than me. One of my brothers pretend to be a saint but I know he sleeps around so how do you explain that? I’m convinced that’s the way I was born.
Some Believe Cheating Is In Their Genes
Experts say:
‘children live what they learn, children learn what they live’, as a result, if you grew up seeing your parents work out their frustration a certain way, you will grow up doing the same. If you grew up seeing your father cheating and your mother always arguing about it then scientist believes your chances of growing up as a cheater (for the male) is great, while the female may find herself getting involved with men who keeps cheating on her.
On the other hand, a 2010 study performed by researchers at Binghamton University in New York, found that of the 181 participants possessed a specific gene, known as DRD4 (Dopamine Receptor D4) which is a thrill seeker. They found that those who possessed more of the gene were more likely to cheat. The DRD4 is a Protein Coding gene that can cause diseases like Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder and Autonomic Nervous System Disease.
Justin Garcia, who headed the research at the time explained that it all goes back to the release of dopamine, or the happy hormone, noting that people who possess this certain DRD4 gene require more thrill than the average person.
— Declan R, 43
Coping After The Affair
If you have been cheated on:
1. Allow yourself to go through the hurt — No doubt you will hurt. You will hurt more than words can say — I should know. I have been there! And I can tell you, it ain’t pretty! But allow yourself to go through the various stages of the grief process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Finding out your partner has been having an affair (or some) is like losing a loved one to death — sometimes the pain is even worse. You will go through all sorts of emotions that no one will be able to help you through. You just have to go through to get to the other side. It may take weeks, it may take months, it may take years — everyone’s grieving process is different. But despite the time, allow yourself to grieve.
Allow Yourself To Go Through The Grief
2. Decide if you want to continue in the relationship — Do not make any decision about staying in the relationship or leaving it until you have healed to a point where you can make clear decisions in your best interest rather than out of anger. Many couples have ended relationships after an affair out of anger and sometimes looking back regretted doing so. So ensure that you have got past the stage of anger before you decide on whether or not you want to continue in the relationship or not.
3. Do not get into a rebound relationship to numb the pain — One mistake many persons make is to jump into another relationship soon after they found out that their partner has cheated as a way of not facing reality, or out of spite, the desperation of anger. None of these reasons are good enough to start a new healthy relationship. Instead, allow yourself time to heal and get your perspective back before you think about starting a new relationship. Rebound relationships rarely last.
After Cheating, Decide If You Want To Continue In The Relationship 
4. Do not self-blame — Do not blame yourself for your spouse’s infidelity. This is a very common act and even some psychologist will tell you to look at the relationship and see what you could have done differently ——— Nothing! The cheating is all on them, not you. If you were having issues then the thing to do would be to work them out together rather than turning to someone else. This too is on them. So again, ain’t your fault they couldn’t control themselves. Do not self-blame. If you do, you may end up compromising your values to accommodate the cheater even as you try to change you for them, and they continue to cheat — maybe with someone new.
5. Open communication — If you decide to stay in the relationship despite the cheating, have open, blunt, yet respectful conversations. Try to understand what lead to it and how it happened. If you are a woman who was cheated on you are going to have 101 questions floating around in your head. Ask them. And be prepared to listen to the answers. You may not agree with the reasons but respect them.
Have Open Communication If You Decide To Stay After Cheating
6. Forgive — Before you can even think about moving on to rebuilding a healthy relationship with your spouse you have to forgive. If you are not willing to, then you may as well not stay together as this will make both your lives miserable. Forgiveness is what will allow you to shed the anger and begin to share things together again — like their bed.
7. Try to rebuild trust — I find that rebuilding trust after infidelity is one of the hardest things possible. This can take years for some and never for others. But rebuilding trust is very much dependent on the remorse, openness, and transparency of the partner who cheated.
8. Seek counseling — Many times it takes counseling to rebuild your union. A counselor can help you identify the whys and how to move forward from the damage caused. This is especially necessary if you are unable to have calm and peaceful conversations with each other. Sometimes you need an unbiased mediator to get your points across.
Try To Rebuilt Trust After The Cheating
If you have cheated on your spouse:
1. Be open and honest — If you have cheated on your spouse, understand that they will hurt and they will be extremely angry. Do not match their anger with anger. Instead be calm, no matter the names you may be called in anger at the initial stage of the discovery. If you are the one who confessed the infidelity then you are one step to healing your relationship. If they had to find out on their own then it will be much harder for them to forgive you as they will feel if you were not found out you would still be continuing in the outside affair. Either way, be 100 percent open and honest about how it happened and when it happened. They already know about the cheating, if they are going to leave you because you slept with one person, they will. And if they found out you slept with six people the end result will still be the same. Sleeping with one or more than one person(s) will not make you less guilty in their eyes, therefore, tell the truth — no matter what it is. Give your partner the option to choose. Lying on top of cheating only makes the situation doubly worse. If they find out you are lying — which they very well might — then the chances of them staying with you are even thinner. Therefore, it does not make sense lying about how many persons you slept with at this point.
Be Open And Honest If You Have Cheated
2. Accept that the relationship can go either way — many couples have bounced back from infidelity. Some have not. Therefore, accept that your spouse may leave you or they may stay. Be prepared for either.
3. Decide if you want the relationship to work or if you want out — Despite the fact that you are the cheater, decide if you want your relationship or not. It does not make sense you are holding on to the relationship and lying to your spouse while still holding on to the outside affair (s). That is selfish and unfair to your partner and to the outside fling. Therefore, decide what you want, as the amount of effort you put into rebuilding your relationship will be dependent on this decision.
4. Allow for the 101 questions that follow — Your spouse will have 101 questions that they want to be answered. Be patient. No matter how embarrassing the questions are, answer them. This is one way your spouse will know you are truly understanding of their feelings and is willing to work it out. This is the first step in rebuilding trust.
After Cheating Accept That The Relationship Can Go Either Way
5. Be transparent in ALL things — It is very important to be totally and completely honest about your actions thereafter. Leave nothing to question. You will be scrutinized to the T, therefore, let your partner realize that you are not living the secret life you did before. As a result, include them in EVERYTHING! That is the second step in rebuilding trust and reclaiming your relationship.
6. Be present — Be present means being around to support your partner through the stress and the hurt. Be there to listen. B there to answer questions. Be there to comfort and reassure. Be present as much as possible both physically and emotionally. This is particularly true if you are living together. If you live apart or your partner has moved out, make yourself available unless they express the need to be left alone. Remember it’s no longer about you, it’s about your partner who never signed up for what you have put them through. Therefore, respect their decision.
