Twenty-eight-year old Joan was with her boyfriend Gerald for over seven years before she was finally able to be free. She described it as torture that she would never want any woman to go through. Why? He had roving eyes. In other words, he would not keep his eyes off other women when they were out together and it became not only embarrassing but humiliating and abusive for her. She shares her story with Your Love Bumps.

“Having your man look at other women does not seem to be a problem on a smaller scale. In fact, it is not a problem to many women but it all depends on the extent and the level that he takes it,” Joan said. “Being with him were the worst years of my life and I could not get out of the relationship no matter how I tried. After the first four years of trying I just gave up and resigned myself to my situation.”

Wondering Eyes Can Lead To Argument In a Relationship

Two months later Joan and Gerald were a big item in the community that they lived in as they had practically moved in together. By the third month, she noticed that whenever they went out together he would be staring at other women as if she was not there. When she tried talking to him about it he would tell her she was too pretty to be so jealous and insecure. Soon he got verbally abuse in public when she tried pointing out his actions to him. This usually caused a scene. As a result, she would not say anything about his actions while they were out and he would stare. But not only would he stare but the flirting right in front of her was obvious. When they got home, and she brought it up, it was not only verbal but became physical. One night it got so bad that it ended with him threatening that if she ever said anything to him about it again her body would be found in a ditch.

“He was very abusive and if I opened my mouth to say something he would slap me in my face and asked me who told me to speak,” Joan recalled. “I was afraid of him because I was hearing things that he had done to other people with his friends and that he was involved with a lot of illegal things. I knew he had an illegal firearm and I also knew he wouldn’t hesitate to use it on me. When I told him I was leaving he threatened that he would kill me because no woman leaves him, he uses them until he was ready to dispose of them”.

Joan said she could not reach out to anyone because he never allowed her to go out alone — not even to the nearby shop which was a walking distance away. But not only was he staring at and flirting with other women in her presence but he would ask them for their phone numbers and told Joan to write down the numbers for him. She had no choice as her first refusal had resulted in him slapping her across her face in front of the other woman.

Having Wondering Eyes Can Damage Your Partner’s Trust in You

“I was like a doormat to him and I was powerless,” she recalled. “I lost myself. I couldn’t do anything for myself and I was completely controlled by him. Whatever he wanted I had to do or suffer the consequences.”

However, Joan said as bad as the physical abuse was the humiliation of having to stand by while he had flirty conversations with other women, having to write down their numbers for him, listening as he called those women to make arrangements to meet, and how good they looked was even more painful.

“When we were out together there were some women who would ask how he was with his girlfriend and was asking to get to know them and he would literally tell them I was nobody. I just had to stand there and couldn’t say anything ’cause I knew what would happen if I did.”

Joan said she never understood how other women would see them together and still flirt back and got involved with him.

“But it was after everything started that I remembered the girl he was with the night we met. I realized it was not just me but any woman he was involved with. I was just unfortunate to be the one who fell so deep that I moved him in with me. That girl was lucky to have escaped him.”

She admitted to feelings of hopelessness and felt at one point that the only way out was death as he had told her he would never let her go. She said it started with wondering eyes but it didn’t end with just that.

“Having him constantly looking at other women was a big blow to my self-esteem. I felt as if I was not good enough. That I was not pretty enough. That I was not attractive enough, and that I was not able to please him. I felt invisible. And no matter how I dressed up when we were going out didn’t help. He never saw what I wore or how I fixed my hair. He only saw the other women,” She recalled.

However, things took a turn for Joan seven years into their relationship.

Gerald was shot and killed by the police after it was discovered that he was a member of a renowned gang in the town. But while she mourned a life lost she also rejoiced for a life gained — her life. Since then she has gone back to school and is today a pre-school teacher while having her freedom to visit families and socialize with friends. Things she was not able to do while he was alive.

“Sometimes — and from my experience men don’t look at other women with nothing on their minds. There is always something going on in their heads when they stare,” she surmised. “Some women can play it off and pretend to be ok about it but it never usually stops there,” Joan said. “If he can stare and flirt with you around, then what does he do when you are not around?”

Experts say:

“We have to nip it in the bud the moment we see it happening,” Joan advised women. “Don’t allow yourself to be so caught up with the man that you allow him to do things that hurt and damage your self-esteem. It may start with a simple stare or two. But eventually, it takes a toll on you. Some people think it is a simple matter to have their man stare at other women but why do they do it? Are you not good enough to hold his attention?”

“However, there are times when wondering eyes are innocent and your partner may look at another person not out of lust but out of admiration for what they may be wearing, or because they may remind them of someone from their past or just out of sheer politeness,” Whyte said. “If you notice this about your partner then it is best to find out why they are staring and give them the benefit of the doubt. If your partner is staring out of lust or because he is attracted to other women and cannot help himself he is not going to disclose this to you. Therefore, give him the benefit of the doubt and observe his reaction when another attractive woman passes by. If he continues and it becomes a habit then you may very well have a problem. You may need the help of a relationship coach or a counselor,”

How Wondering Eyes Can Affect Your Partner

There are a number of negatives that can result from having a partner with wondering eyes. Some of these can leave long term damage to both the partner and to the relationship in general.

1. It undermines your partner — Staring at other women will destroy the sense of stability that your partner has in you. They now begin to feel that they are no longer the center of your world.

2. It feels disrespectful to your partner — while it is often treated as nothing to be bothered about by the person accused of having wondering eyes, it feels quite disrespectful to your partner as they may feel it is something out of the context of a committed relationship and not what they expected.

3. It can be insensitive — If you know and have had discussions on boundaries in your relationship and what is expected and what is not, then staring at other women while your partner is around can come off as a sign of you being insensitive to their feelings especially if this is something you both decided against.

4. You are prone to cheat — Staring at other women is a clear sign to your partner that you are prone to cheat. Even if this is not the case, the fact that you are ‘admiring’ other women in their presence, to her means you will not only admire but if given the chance, will take the opportunity to get to now and even cheat with them. They will feel the only reason you did not grasp the opportunity was because she was there.

5. Damage to trust — Trust is very important in a relationship. If you are staring at other women while out with your partner, then your actions become questionable to them. Thus affecting the trust factor in your relationship.

6. Gives the other women power over your partner — Every woman wants to feel that they are special — like the only woman in the room when they are out with their partner. If you open up that world and pull someone else in, especially if the other woman is aware of your constant stares, then it gives the other woman a sense that she has something over the woman you are with — and rightly so. While at the same time making your partner feel less than the other woman. After all, if your partner was all that why would you be giving her  (the other woman) so much attention?

7. It is belittling — Staring at other women can be downgrading to both your partner and makes her feel undervalued.

8. Insecurity and Fear— Starring at other women makes your partner feel insecure and gives a sense that not only are they not good enough but that you may very well be looking around or someone else.

Is Having Wondering Eyes Ever OK?

Having wondering eyes can only be ok if your partner has expressed this to you from the beginning of the relationship as an innocent habit that may have been born out of, for example, people watching with his friends, or something to that effect. It has to be something you accept and are both comfortable with. It can also be Ok if you both like staring at others and are both accepting of the other person doing so while knowing that staring is as far as it will go.  Bottom line, it has to be something you discussed and are both comfortable with.

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