If you have lost a spouse it may be very hard to step back into the dating world and put yourself out there all over again. There are many emotions that you will experience, some of which are fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and even guilt. All these emotions are normal for someone who has been through what you have. But it is often encouraged that you go back into the dating world if and when you feel comfortable doing so. Do not be pressured into doing so by your children, relatives or friends who feel it is time that you ‘start living again’ — a phrase that in and of itself adds pressure to your already hurting heart.
Whether or not you go back into the dating world will depend on a number of factors as the persons below shares. Some of these factors will include, your age when you lost your partner, the quality of the relationship you shared with your deceased partner, and even your level of dependency, meaning if you depend on yourself for your own comfort and happiness instead of a second party.
If You Have Lost A Spouse It May Be Very Hard To Step Back Into The Dating World
Factors That May Determine Whether Or Not You Date Again After Losing A spouse
1.Your age may determine if you date again after losing your spouse
Alexandar was 75 when his wife died. She was 73. They had been married for 51 years. He explained that she was his life and when he lost her to ovarian cancer he felt he would follow soon after. That was four years ago. Today Alexander is still quite active and will joke about the fact that he has another 78 years left under his belt. He admitted, however, that though he lives alone since the passing of his wife, as their four children had long moved out, he cannot see himself replacing his wife.
“She was my life. I don’t think they make women like her anymore. I suspect God broke the mold right after her,” he said with a slight chuckle. “I still think about her all the time and though she would want to see me happy I could never think about getting another woman to live here with me. I still feel her presence here sometimes too so that brings me some comfort. But to be honest, at my age what do I have left in me to offer a woman?” he declared, laughing out loud. “I have lived a full life and so I don’t see myself sharing my life with another woman at this point.”
Your Age May Determine If You Date Again After Losing A Spouse
2. The quality of the relationship you shared with your deceased partner
Like Alexander, Anita got married quite young. She got married in her early 20’s and was married 35 years when her husband also passed away from cancer. Unlike Alexander, however, within four months of her husband’s passing Anita was in another relationship much to the scorn of relatives of her late husband. They felt that she should have given more respect to her marriage before dating again. This did not stop her from forging a relationship and being happy today, three years later.
She explained that for years — contrary to the knowledge of others, and especially her husband’s relatives, she was in an abusive relationship. She was not allowed friends, she was not allowed to go out unless he was taking her — which was rarely, and she was not allowed to enjoy the things she once did.
If You Were In A Controlling Relationship You May Feel Freedom To Date Again After Losing Your Spouse
“I felt like a slave in my own house,” she explained. “I wasn’t even allowed to drive myself because he felt I was up to no good. He was always accusing me of being involved with men even at my work, and so he would keep popping in to see me there at odd times of the day. I was very unhappy in my marriage but no one really knew. What was the point of telling anyone away?” she asked.
She said it pained her to see the way her husband suffered during his illness and did all she could to make him as comfortable as possible. She was not surprised when the hospital called and told her to come by urgently before he took his last breath. But, she said, a few months after he had passed it finally dawned on her that she was free, that she could start doing the things she loved and going out without anyone breathing down her back. And so she started going out. Every weekend she would be at a club enjoying herself and forgetting her past. It was on one of her nights out that she met and fell in love with her present partner and after a few months he moved in with her. Today, she is living the life that she wanted. They travel a lot, go out to dinners, and just live!
You May Date Again To Experience What You Never Had With Your Late Partner
“I am happy,” Anita said. “I really wanted to meet someone after my husband died because I was not being emotionally satisfied in my marriage for years. So now I can truly say I am happy. I would encourage anyone whose spouse has passed that if they were not happy in their marriage — and I know a lot of people are not — both men and women, then turn your lemon into juice. Live again!”
Persons like Anita may find it easier to date again if they did not have years of good marriage with their spouse. If they felt trapped or abused they may either choose to stay alone in an effort to avoid going through a similar situation or they may yearn to feel true love and step quickly into finding it. It will depend on the individuals involved.
3. Being emotionally independent
Persons who are emotionally independent may feel they do not need to be in another long term relationship after their spouse has passed. It may be a situation where they are now financially able to do the things they have always wanted to do, like travel to various countries, start their own businesses or purchase an RV trailer and move around however and whenever they want, sleeping in a different city every week. Dating for them may mean commitment, and commitment may mean going back to the life they just had. Sometimes after a tragedy like losing a spouse the other person may want to honour their spouse’s dreams by doing things they have talked about doing together as a couple but never got a chance to. Now they may feel it is time they do so to honour their deceased spouse.
Being Emotionally Independent May Cause You Not To Date After Losing A Spouse
4. Loneliness
After living ad sharing your life with someone for years, losing them can drive you into a state of loneliness, which if prolonged, could lead to depression. As a result, a number of persons after losing a spouse may decide that they want to get back into a relationship to enjoy the feeling of togetherness that they have grown so accustomed to. Thus they may decide to date again.
Many Persons Date Again to Avoid Loneliness After the Death Of A Spouse
5. Fear of growing old alone
The fear of growing old alone is another factor that can lead a person to start dating again after losing a spouse. When they initially got married, the plan, like most couples tying the knot is to be together until they are both old. If one partner passes while they are still quite young, the living partner may experience a sense of fear for the future. This is especially true if they do not have children or if the children have not made them a priority. They may feel fear of being placed into a home with strangers when they get older or living alone not having someone around to talk with. Thus they may decide to date in an attempt to find someone that they can once again settle with.
The Fear Of Growing Old Alone May Cause You To Date Again After Losing A Spouse
6. Guilt of dishonouring your late spouse
A common (believe it or not) reasons persons may choose not to date is if they have had a really good life with their spouse and after their passing feels it would dishonour them to bring someone else into their home or moving on with someone else. So while they accept that their partner is never coming back, it sometimes takes years for the reality of the situation to set in and so they continue to live as if they are still in a relationship. They feel as is they are cheating. They may even try dating once and feels so guilty that they decide not to do so again. Thus you find a number of adult children encouraging their parents to start dating and going out after realising that they are alone and still talk and acts as if their spouse is alive.
Some Persons Do Not Date After Losing A Spouse Because of Guilt
What To Do If You Decide To Date Again After Losing A Spouse
1. Ensure you are comfortable with dating again
For sure different people experience grief differently. Therefore, if you decide to date again, ensure you are comfortable that you have grieved your spouse and feel comfortable dating again. Do not be forced into doing so by friends or family if you feel you are not ready. Dating should be a pleasure, not pressure. So while some persons may take weeks or months, if in a few years you still feel you are not ready, do not force it. Wait until you feel good and ready. That is when you will be good company to both yourself and the other party.
Ensure You Are Comfortable Dating Before Doing So
2. Do not go on and on about your late spouse
One of the main advantages of dating, when you are good and ready, is that you would have healed somewhat from the loss and is able to hold a conversation without falling apart. Falling apart and talking about the good life you had with your partner is good with friends and relatives as it is a very good part of the healing process. However, falling apart and going on and on about your spouse on a date is not a good thing. While they may ask questions about your late partner they do not expect to be your therapist. Therefore, being able to answer and move on to another topic with a smile not only shows you are ready to date but that you are in control of your feelings. If however, you find that you cannot talk about your late spouse without falling apart, that is a sure sign you are not ready to date.
Do Not Talk Non-Stop About Your Late Spouse While On A Date
3. Avoid comparing your date to your late partner
It is almost a surety that you will find yourself comparing your date to your late spouse, especially if this is your first date since your loss and especially if you shared a really good bond. Try to avoid doing this as it could hurt your date’s chances of you getting to know them — without them even realising it. Remember that you knew your spouse may be for years, you are just meeting your date. Go on a date with an open mind and with the clear intentions of getting to know the other person and having a good time. Do not go on a date with the hope of replacing your spouse. There may never be anyone else like them, but everyone has their good qualities to be appreciated for who they really are.
Do Not Compare Your Date To Your Late Spouse
4. Do something different than what you did when you dated your late partner
To avoid falling down memory lane, which could result in sad thoughts on your end, if you decide to go on a date do not do so at the same places you did when you were dating your late spouse. Try something and somewhere different. This will give you reasonable leverage to get to know the other person on their own grounds and will cut out or limit the temptation to compare them. You may also find yourself enjoying the new experiences you are now sharing with someone new and find that despite your initial thought that you would never get involved again, to actually wanting to.
Do Something New On Your Date
5. Do not settle because you feel lonely or sorry for yourself
Treat this date as you would any other. The fact that you lost a spouse and is putting yourself back out there is no reason to settle for the first person that comes along even though you clearly see all the red flags going up. Dating after losing a spouse is no different than dating before you met your dearly departed. The rules are still the same. If you do not like what you are into, walk away. As mentioned before dating should be fun and something you look forward to. Not something to do because you feel you cannot do any better.
Do Not Settle For Just Anything On Your Date After Losing A Spouse
Disadvantages Of Dating Too Early After Losing A Spouse
- You may start talking about your late partner and break down in tears. This is a sure sign you have gone back into the dating world too early.
- Feeling guilty. This is something that is common among persons who have gone back into dating after losing a spouse. It is a sure sign you stepped back in too early.
- You may be criticized by friends and family for dating so soon after losing your spouse. Do not be surprised if you become the centre of criticism as in Anita’s case. In fact, there are those who may even make accusations that you had an ongoing affair before your spouse passed as there is no way you could have found someone else so soon after.
- You will compare them to each other. If you start dating before you are sufficiently healed, you may find yourself comparing your present date to your late spouse.
- Still grieving. You may still not be over the pain of the loss and may not be in the mind space to think rationally and make decisions for your health and wellbeing. Thus you may choose the wrong person to date.
