The topic is exhausting. The situation is humiliating. For some, it may be fulfilling (depending on the part you play in this scenario) but the end result is always the same — devastating!
No one comes out of a cheating situation unscared. The person cheated on usually suffers the most, the person doing the cheating is sometimes riddled with guilt and remorse (if you are lucky!) and the person being cheated with — well, they either end up disappointed when the relationship ends or fulfilled if the person leaves their partner to be with them (be warned, don’t get comfortable, if he cheated on someone with you, he will cheat on you with someone). Thus, it depends on the seat you are in during this episode of ‘My Cheating Lying Spouse’.
There Are Signs To Look For To Show Your Spouse Is Cheating
It is a given fact that cheating has been taking place for as long as we can remember, and unfortunately, sad to say, it will continue long after we have all passed away. Simply because we do not live in a perfect world. Those who are familiar with the Bible will remember the story of David (the one who wrote the majority of the Book of Psalms) who slept with is friend Uriah’s wife because he saw her and fell in love with her… being the ruler of the army, David sent Uriah to war and placed him at the battlefront so he would be killed. Interesting cheating story. So you see, cheating has been happening from the beginning of time. Does that make it acceptable? Certainly not. But it makes us realize it is not something we can rid this world of anytime soon.
So can you prevent your partner from cheating? Can you stop yourself from cheating? What do you do if you find out that your partner is cheating and how can you tell when cheating is taking place?
Cheating Affects Everyone Involved
Can you prevent your partner from cheating?
According to the infidelity statistics, conducted in 2020 about 40 percent of unmarried relationships and 25 percent of marriages see at least one incident of infidelity. In a Gallup poll, having an affair is one of the most immoral things someone can possibly do. In a survey of 1,535 adults, 91 percent considered infidelity to be morally wrong. In fact, it is one of the most common reasons given as the cause of divorce (Scott, Rhoades, Stanley, Allen, & Markman, 2013). Yet it continues.
Some experts say the desire to cheat is complicated and it is not solved by feeling sorry or by making promises to change. They believe that in order to change the behavior, persons must determine why that behavior occurred in the first place. If you don’t (or can’t) change the underlying reasons the cheating happened in the first place, it will most likely happen again. Some even feel that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, hence the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ tag.
Experts Say The Desire To Cheat is Complicated
We all know that if someone wants to cheat no matter what we do, how good we look, how rich we are, how much we love them — they will cheat anyway. At the end of the day, it is up to the person to do, or not to do. It is believed that if someone cheated in their past relationship(s) then the chances of them cheating on you is great. Many believe that once a cheater always a cheater. In fact, in a 2017 research conducted by Knopp, Scott, Ritchie, Rhoades, Markman, Stanley, they found that people who report cheating in a previous relationship are three times more likely to cheat in a subsequent relationship than someone who never cheated. However, on the positive side, maturity, counseling, determination on the part of the one who has cheated, complete with prayer can sure prevent cheating from occurring in your relationship.
If Someone Wants To Cheat Nothing You Do Will Stop Them
Can you stop yourself from cheating?
If you cheated in the past and actually got away with it, then the temptation is there to do it again, especially if you enjoyed the affair for however long it lasted. Again, you would need to seek help from a professional to unearth the cause of your desire. There is usually an underlying factor that needs to be dealt with before you can rid yourself of the urges.
1. Identify the route cause of the reason behind your need to cheat
No matter how great a partner you have and no matter how much you love and respect them if you are determined to cheat you will if you have not dealt with the underlying factor. Maybe it was molestation as a child, maybe it was a lack of a father figure in your life, abuse by a parent, relative, spouse, etc. Thus the reason it is important to have a counselor walk you through your past to understand where the urge comes from.
Identify The Reason Behind Your Compulsion To Cheat
2. Talk to your spouse about any urges you may have
This sounds like the last thing you would ever want to do, especially if you and your spouse have been through the process of you cheating before. But believe it or not, it may be the only way to prevent you from cheating as you now have someone holding you accountable. So talk to your spouse before you actually move toward going outside of the relationship. Let them know that lately, you have been feeling emotionally weak as you have been thinking about things from your past and that you do not want to fall back into bad habits so you just wanted to talk about it. Tell them you have no intention of acting on any of your urges but felt it best to mention it as you want to grow past it together. This is a step recommended by many counselors but not one many people are brave enough to follow. However, if you know you are under the watchful eyes of your spouse the idea is that you will not act out your desires for fear of being found out. in fact, many times once you talk about it the urge gets less and less. One of the thrills of cheating is the indulgence of the unforbidden. As psychology would have it, now that you know it is out there you will not feel that great urge anymore. Again, this is a step for the bold, the brave, and those determined to stay faithful.
Talk to Your Spouse About Your Urges To Cheat
Signs your partner is cheating
As mentioned in Being Cheated On Changes You, there are obvious signs to tell that your partner is cheating. If you notice any of the signs below it is always best to talk to your spouse about it. We already know that if you confront a cheating partner they will never admit but rather like Jamaican singer Shaggy rightly pointed out all you will hear is ‘it wasn’t me’. So instead you will now find yourself being drawn into a web of lies forcing you to become your own private investigator in order to have proof to present to them before bringing it to their attention. Please note, however, that every situation will be different but there are some cheating habits that remain the same across the board. Here are some signs to look out for:
Sign #1
They leave the room to answer their cell phone. One common sign of cheating is your spouse’s inability to answer their cell phone around you. Instead, they leave the room to do so in private, answering in whispered tones and hanging up quickly the moment you walk into the room. Or they will answer their phone quickly saying ‘wrong number’ in an attempt to distract you.
Sign #2
They spend more time with ‘friends’ than with you. On weekends, holidays, special occasions like Valentine’s Day they make it clear that they will be hanging with their friends. This is another sure sign something is wrong and your partner may in fact be spending his free time with the one person he wants to be with — the secret lover. Valentine’s Day is generally a day couples want to spend together and if your partner tells you they are hanging with friends instead of you then this is a clear sign.
Sign #3
He carries condoms, and you are on the pill. For sure he ain’t walking around with condoms to blow up like balloons! So unless they are decorations in his wallet, he is doing something with those condoms. No brainer there!
He Spends More Time With ‘Friends’ Than With You.
Sign # 4
They have a sudden preoccupation with their appearance. Picture back to when you were single and just met your significant other. Or even before that when you were in the dating game. Do you remember how you would go the extra mile in looking your very best? Then afterward when you got comfortable you would relax your effort somewhat? Well, a sign your spouse has found someone new is in the extra steps he now takes to look his very best and ensure that he is looking and smelling extra good. He will not go the extra mile to dress for his buddies so who could it be? Something may very well be afoot!
He Has a Sudden Preoccupation With His appearance
Sign #5
They don’t seem to be attracted to you anymore. While this is not a sure sign of cheating as he could have lost interest based on a number of other reasons, see Reasons He May No Longer Be Interested In You if he seems emotionally detached from you while also physically detached then something is wrong. One of the main reasons couples get involved with each other is emotional attachment. If this is missing then for sure their focus has shifted and may very well be resting on someone else.
Sign # 6
He no longer compliments you. Overtime relationships may lose the excitement it had in the early stages when he would shower you with compliment after compliment. However, if he shows no interest in the way you look, what your wear, the promotion you got, the award you won, etc, then something is amiss. His interest may have shifted and he is complimenting someone else. One way to look at it is that you have technically become invisible to him. Not good in a relationship.
He No Longer Compliments You
Sign #6
Sleep with his back turned. Different people have different sleeping patterns, that is true. But if you were accustomed to snuggling up together in bed but now he sleeps with inches between you and his back turn then something is definitely wrong. For sure he is no longer sees you as his cuddle teddy and intimacy has waned. A sign he may be getting intimate and cuddly with someone else.
Sign #7
There is no intimacy. One of the more identifiable signs of cheating is the lack of intimacy. If you are in a good healthy relationship there must be intimacy. If your partner has no desire to be intimate with you it is one of two things, they have started to take you and the relationship for granted, or they are getting intimate with someone else. If this is the only sign he is exhibiting then your relationship may be suffering from the former. If they are showing other signs mentioned here along with lack of intimacy then they may very well be cheating.
There Is No Intimacy Between You Anymore
Sign #8
They ward off your attempts to initiate sex. Not only does he not show any interest in being intimate with you, but whenever you initiate intimacy he all but throws it back in your face. In fact, there has been no form of intimacy between you for months and when you try to broach the topic it turns into an argument, and reasons are given to make it seem it is all your fault why he feels the way he does.
Sign #9
He lies about his whereabouts. Over and over he lies about his whereabouts. He said he had a dental appointment but two days later the dentist calls reminding you to book his annual cleaning, or he was supposed to be at a work event that he claimed he could not get out of, but your mother spotted him across town with a female clinging to his arms… you get the picture.
Sign #10
He’s buying expensive gifts on the credit card but you never received any. Your credit card statement showed that he has been doing some hefty spending on jewels, perfumes, hotel stays — yet you were not at the receiving end of any. For sure he is cheating!
He Buys Expensive Gifts But Not For You
Sign #11
He argues with you about everything. No matter what you say or how you say it, it always seems to turn into an argument. Now you are wondering if you should bother having conversations with him and why he is always so angry with you. A cheater is always defensive if he is guilt-ridden — which sometimes they are, especially if cheating is new to them. You may want to investigate why his mood has changed so drastically.
Sign #12
He’s always working. A hard-working spouse is someone to be proud of — very proud. But if that spouse is leaving work at 10 at nights when the office closes at 5:00 pm or working on weekends when he has a Monday to Friday work schedule, or even goes away for the weekends stating its work-related while his co-worker you ran into tells you that they have shut down for COVID for the past two months then something is definitely wrong! He may seem to be using work as an excuse to spend quality time with his lover.
He’s Always Working
If you feel your partner is cheating and you have evidence to prove this then it is time to presents those pieces of evidence to them and have them explain what is going on. If they refuse to admit, you may need the help of a trained counselor to help to fix your relationship or help you to decide your next step as something is definitely not right.