Breakups can be awkward. So awkward sometimes that you may be wondering how to treat your ex-girlfriend who dumped you.
For those looking on and hearing that she is the one who dumped you, the answers may seem very simple – ignore her and cut all ties; Move on to the next girl; If she wanted you she wouldn’t have dumped you, to begin with so leave her alone.
But that is in a perfect world. And unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. We live in one where love isn’t black and white and where men hurt and have emotions just like women. They just don’t always show it the same way. Men are for the most part less dramatic than a woman who had been dumped. However, this does not mean he feels the pain and disappointment any less.
So how you treat her will depend on if you want her back or if you want to get past the hurt and move on with your life without her.
How do you treat your ex-girlfriend who dumped you – and you want her back?
Forty-one-year-old Tony said when he broke up with his ex – or rather when she dumped him, he was devastated. For three months he locked himself in his house and cried night and day. He said despite the fact that they argued a lot when she walked out he missed her so much that he thought he could not survive.
“We were together for 14 years and even though we had issues you always feel that you would always be together. So, it was rough.” The now hurt recovered ex said. “I recall I couldn’t eat; I couldn’t sleep. But I couldn’t let anyone know how I was feeling. I didn’t call her though, but I hoped that she would have called.”
Tony admitted his ex-girlfriend dumped him because he cheated on her – not once but numerous times. He said this led to her becoming suspicious and always questioning him. At the time he felt she didn’t have the right to do that and so they would always be arguing and even physically fought once. One day she just had enough and left. They never got back together after that.
So how did he treat his ex-girlfriend after she dumped him?
- I didn’t contact her for the three months that I locked myself away.
- When I finally did I only texted to enquire about my son.
- At first, I was angry with her and didn’t speak to her. But really and truly after about eight months, I started to accept that it was my fault.
- Once I could admit this to myself I started calling her instead of texting.
- I made sure that I didn’t argue with her about what had happened or anything like that.
- She began to call me to tell me stuff that my son was doing and slowly we developed a kind of parental friendship.
- Initially, I wanted her back but when I gently broached the subject, the way she responded I knew she didn’t want me back. I even asked her out to dinner a few times and she refused. So I gave up and started looking elsewhere.
That was Tony’s story, but in general, how should you treat your ex-girlfriend who dumped you?
Spend some time alone after being dumped by your ex-girlfriend
- Spend some time alone.
Before you reach the stage of thinking about how to treat her, first learn how to treat YOU. It is very important that you take some time immediately after the breakup to mourn. To heck with the macho attitude that men don’t cry. That is very antiquated. Crying gets rid of pent up emotions and believe it or not – makes you feel so much better. Spending time alone allows you the privilege and privacy of crying your heart out by yourself. No one has to see that you are just a mere mortal! Spending time alone allows you to also look back at the relationship and learn from it.
If your breakup was caused by your cheating habits, then you should spend time in counseling to figure out why you keep doing this over and over and face the issue(s) head-on. It could be the way you were brought up to believe the more women you sleep with the more manly you are; or that you cannot do without the validation of women; or you simply set a mental target to sleep with as many women as possible before you get to a certain age – probably something on your bucket list. Whatever the reason, deal with it and overcome it before you move on to your next relationship or this will have a similar outcome. The term ‘you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result’ is very true!
2. Be independent emotionally and physically.
At this point, you begin to understand the important role your ex played in your life. You realize that you loved her more than you can explain and being without her is like not living at all. You also feel like there is no point in even working because the only reason you liked your job was that you so enjoyed using your paycheck to buy her stuff and pay her bills. You liked it when you had someone to provide for. You actually enjoyed your role as a provider.
If you were living together you would have become very dependent on her for regular everyday activities – cooking, laundry, cleaning up after you, and just making the place look and feel like a home. Now that she is no longer around it is time to start doing these things yourself.
You have to get yourself to the stage where you accept that you can live a happy and fulfilling life without your ex. Otherwise, you will hasten to replace her or even beg her to come back for the wrong reason – to be a helper. Therefore, learn to be independent!
It is also important that while you get physically independent that you also get emotionally independent. This means you have to remove the thought from your mind that you will never be happy and complete without her, and that your life is not worth living. This is especially true if you were faithful and did all you could to make her happy – and she still left you. Be confident in who you are and what you can achieve on your own. Women love independence. However, you need to show her that you have changed, rather than promising that you will. Relationships are not like politics – they cannot thrive on promises!
Do not try to make your ex-girlfriend jealous after she dumped you.
3. Do not play mind games or try to make her jealous.
If you are at the point where you realize that despite everything that happened, that you still want her back, do not waste time playing mind games or find some random girl to hang out with just to make her jealous. This can easily backfire in your face as she can confirm that that was the reason she dumped you in the first place. Proving her right will not win you any points with her and more than likely she will place even more distance between you.
Once you have mended you, then you will be confident enough to approach her and be completely open and honest about the mental and physical place that you are now at and how her leaving helped you to find yourself. Explain that you went to counseling and share with her some of the things the counselor said. Let her know you started cooking and cleaning and make light of it – tell her that you know it won’t add up to how she would do it but that you are proud of your efforts. She too will be proud of your efforts and for sure will think about giving you another shot at it. This will make her see you in a totally different light. Just make sure that whatever you say to her you are being 100 percent honest. If it’s one thing women love – hands down – it’s honesty!
4. Let her see that you can actually live without her.
Yes! That is exactly what I said – Let her see that you can live without her, BUT also let her know that you do not want to! This will show her that you are indeed independent and that you can actually be with someone else but that she is the one you are interested in. This works just as effectively as a woman going out with another man soon after a breakup to make him jealous. See How To Move On From An Ex – Get the Facts!. If she broke up with you because you were jealous and clingy then this step is perfect for you. However, make certain these are not just words without meaning. Ensure that you actually went to counseling and have indeed become independent. Otherwise, a week after she says she will give you a second chance you will be back to your old ways and she will be back through the door – this time for good! Remember what I said about women loving honesty? You can just about commit a crime and as long as you are honest about it she will take you back – Think I’m lying? look at the statistics of women who have married inmates serving life sentences for crimes they actually DID commit? Even murder!
Hang out with your friends after your ex-girlfriend dumped you
5. Hang out with your friends
Instead of hanging with females to make her jealous (we already established that that is a really bad idea especially if she left you for cheating), hang out with your buddies. Be happy doing it just in case she bumps into you. Let her see that you are out and about and actually having a good time. This too will make her realize that you can live without her. And at this point, she may not want you to. Women like to feel that they make a man happy and if she realizes that you are so happy without her then this will have her thinking. If your plan is to win her back then let her know that you were happier when she was around. If your plan is not to win her back then leave her be to think whatever she wants. You decide which.
6. Apologize for what you did
Whether or not you want to win her back, it is important that you be a mature man and apologize to her for what you did/did not do – whatever the reason(s) that caused her to dump you in the first place.
Owning up to your wrongs is one of the first steps in changing. If you do not see where you went wrong then you won’t be willing nor able to change it. However, if you were the good guy and she dumped you – say for another guy, then no need to apologize. That should be her job, whether she wants you back or not. Thus, leave it be.
If you were at fault, however, ensure that even though you truly saw the errors of your ways that you do not trivialize the apology by asking/ begging her to take you back. She will only think that your apology is not from the heart, but that you are only doing it because you want to get her back.
The fact that you apologized will give her reason to think that you may have changed and had her considering giving you a second chance – all on her own. Thus, no need for begging! Note, however, that your apology should be more than just “I’m sorry”, explain in depth why you are sorry and what you should have done differently. Do this without being prompted. So after the “I’m sorry” do not let her have to ask, “for what”, then you start fumbling to find the reasons. This is a dead giveaway that you have no clue why she broke up with you. Thus, you will repeat the same error.
She wants you to acknowledge your mistakes all on your own, and again, this will have her thinking of giving you a second chance. Just what you want her to do, right?! If you apologize and explain exactly what you are apologizing for, she will believe that you have honestly realized your mistake(s). This will make it much easier for her to forgive you.
Forgive your ex-girlfriend who dumped you
7. If she was the one who wronged you, then turn around and dumped you – forgive her.
If despite what she has done you still want her back, then you have to forgive her and let her know that what she did really hurt you. But that you have spent some time reflecting and has forgiven her. Do not tell her that you want her back – she may say yes and then repeat the same thing she did before, and you are right back at square one. Instead, see if she apologizes and owns up to her mistakes. If she does, then she may be willing to genuinely give it a second shot. However, if she doesn’t apologize, do not ask for one. If she has to be asked then she is not sorry at all!
If you did her wrong it is very important that forgiveness comes into play. She has to genuinely forgive you. Otherwise, no matter what you say or do, she will not want to get back into a relationship with you, also, forgiveness helps the person who was wronged to heal and move on. In fact, it benefits the person that was wronged even more than it does the one who committed the atrocity.
8. Start asking her out
Depending on the situation which caused the break up in the first place, she may have blocked your number or moved to an unknown location. If this is the case then she has not got over the breakup and is not yet in a place to have any interaction with you. In this case, you just have to wait until that day when she may call your phone or when you run into her at the grocery store.
If you do bump into her, use this opportunity to tell her how good she looks and apologize for hurting her (again, do not at this point tell her that you cannot live without her and that you have to have her back!). Gently let her know that it was so nice speaking with her that you wouldn’t mind doing it again, then ask for her contact. Her next action will determine if she wants to speak to you or not. Either way, you have no choice but to roll with the flow. And no matter what you do – do not follow her to see where she lives!
If, however, she gives you her number, make certain to use it. If she does not hear from you for a week or two she will think you have no interest and who knows – maybe block you all over again. Therefore, give her a few hours then call and ask if she got home safely. Then build a short conversation around how good it was to run into her and ask what she has been doing with herself these days. Show genuine interest. However, do not prolong the conversation and do not mention what happened in the past. Ask if you can call her again sometime. She will say yes… that’s why she gave you her number in the first place! However, do this to show that you are considerate of her feelings and don’t want to intrude if she still wasn’t at that place to talk to you again. Let a day past and then give her a call again. This time ask if she would like to meet for coffee or a drink or something. Now you will be well on your way to getting her back! Text her at random times to inquire how her day is going etc. However, not too often. Start with once every two days, then once per day, then allow her to initiate the reaching out.
Now that she is back in your life, make sure to show her the new and improved you so she does not say that after all this time nothing has changed. Otherwise, she will be right out the door without looking back. This is the only second chance you will get so use it wisely!
Things to avoid after your ex-girlfriend dumped you
Things to avoid…
Now that you know how to treat your ex-girlfriend, here are some things to avoid in your quest should you wish to win her back.
1. Not acknowledging what you did wrong in the relationship. This is why spending time alone is so important. It will give you time to reflect. If you do not acknowledge, thus genuinely apologizing, she will feel nothing has changed. If you do not acknowledge then the chances of you repeating the same mistake are great. In fact, if you do not get back with your ex, for this reason, any other relationship you get into will see you making the same mistakes again. Thus, your chance of being dumped even in your new relationship is quite real.
2. You do not show that you have changed by your actions: Even though you may be singing the change tune, your actions do not match up. Avoid this.
3. You ask her back but has nothing new to take to the table: Again, doing the same things and expecting a different result is nonsensical. If she was displeased with your actions before, she expects something new from you now to make her feel this time will be different.
4. Do not beg her to come back: Begging her to take you back will more than likely drive her further away. This makes you sound desperate and no woman likes the look of a desperate man.
5. Do not stalk her: This is a definite no-no! Unless you want to drive fear into her to take out a restraining order against you! I’m sure you have watched the movies and realize how creepy this is for anyone – your ex is no different. If you do feel desperate, stop, and take a breather. Think. If you show up at her door that she did not invite you to, what are your chances of getting her back? – wrong! Zero. She will only see this as an intrusion of her space. Space she deliberately created from you.
6. Getting with her girlfriend to make her jealous: Some men are stupid enough to think this actually works in winning back an ex. Really? News flash – it doesn’t! it kills the relationship between you and your ex forever – even one as platonic friends. Not only that but it destroys the relationship between her and her friend. This is by far one of the stupidest plans a man could ever come up with. Seriously!
7. Do not patronize her and tell you what you think she wants to hear: Avoid analyzing her and telling her things you think she wants to hear. Avoid thinking that you know her so well that you know what will work in winning her back. She had time away from you to think. Thus, she could be a different person mentally. An experience they say teaches wisdom. She may have learned a thing or two from the breakup and become wiser.
8. Do not make promises you cannot keep: This also ranks in the category of one of the worst things you can do in a relationship and in trying to win an ex back. Women usually know when they are being played and know what can work and what will not. Unrealistic promises should be avoided. For example, don’t tell her that to make up for it you will take her on a trip to Jamaica in the summer, knowing full well your account has been drained dry because you have been out of work for months due to COVID-19. When you make promises and don’t keep them women tend to lose some respect for you.
9. Do not make her feel that you are doing her a favor for wanting her back:
You are the one taking the steps in pursuing her. Don’t act all high and mighty in making her feel that you are doing her great favor in taking her back. This is an immediate turnoff. She was doing fine without you while you had broken up. Believe it or not, she would be fine without you.
10. Taking her for granted: Telling yourself you are not worried because you broke up with each other before and got back together, so this time won’t be any different can certainly work against you. Avoid thinking this way. The flip side is that she may think you broke up before and nothing changed to the point where you broke up again. This means if she gets back with you now she will find herself in a cycle of breaking up to make up. This removes any stability from the relationship. Not good!
11. Don’t be a cry baby: Yes, you miss her! Yes, you would do just about anything to get her back! No worries, we understand that. Just as long as she doesn’t know that! Some things are best kept inside, this is one of them. You don’t want her thinking you are clingy and needy. If you feel the need to share this with her, let her know long after you are back together cozying up watching a Lifetime movie and sharing a bag of popcorn.
