Being dumped under any circumstance can be very devasting. Being dumped while you are pregnant is even more devastating as you now find yourself in a position where you have to go through the pregnancy alone, give birth alone, raise the child alone, be the sole breadwinner for both you and your child, and strive to be both a mom and a dad to your growing child.
Unfortunately, women go through this pain and desertion every day as men – not owning up to their responsibilities decided to leave the woman on her own while pregnant.
Moya, s secretary at one of the government ministries in the Caribbean was seven months pregnant when her fiancé sat her down and broke the news to her. The news that would change her life forever — he had another woman pregnant and he wanted to leave Moya to be with her.
Now 15 years later, Moya is still grieving. She recalled the day with tears in her eyes.
“We were supposed to get married. I had a dress picked out. If I didn’t have the dress it wouldn’t be so bad, but I had the dress and I had told everyone. I couldn’t even face my friends after that. I spent months afterward just looking at the dress,” she said.
Her fiancé moved out before their daughter was born.
Pregnant And Dumped!
Forty-year-old Lorraine had a similar experience. She was eight weeks pregnant when her boyfriend of four years walked out and left her.
“He said the baby was not his. He said he wasn’t going to support another man’s child. He said I just wanted to take him for a fool,” Lorraine recalled. “I never cheated on him, not once! I don’t know why he thought the baby was not his. He never accused me of cheating before because he knew that’s not who I was. But suddenly the moment I told him I was pregnant, he did.”
After he left, Lorraine said she contemplated having an abortion. She did not know how she was going to support a child on her own as she only had a part-time job three days for the week.
” We were living together for four years. I thought we would get married someday, so I was very excited when I found out I was pregnant and couldn’t wait to tell him,” she said. “But that was how he took the news. My family said he was in shock and that he would come around, he never did.” That was seven years ago, and with the help of her family, Lorraine took care of her daughter.
The healing process after a break-up is not easy. It does not happen overnight and may even take years to accomplish.
After a breakup, feelings can range anywhere from intense and continuous desolation morphing into murderous thoughts, to the kind of gut-wrenching grief one feels when one loses a loved one.
Thoughts of ‘how could he have done this to me?’; ‘If he loved me he never would have done this’; ‘Should I text?’, ‘Who is he with now?’; ‘Should I call the new girl?’, and promises to God to be a better person, will flood the mind. There will be no comfort in the words of family or friends and life just doesn’t seem to be worth living anymore. Not only did he leave you, but he left you with an unborn child.
The fact of the matter is that life goes on, and while it may not be easy, it is possible to move on.
Moving On After He Left You Pregnant
Caribbean psychologist and transformation specialist, Dr. Leahcim Semaj employs the practical approach — warning that not every relationship was meant to last forever. And if you adopt his approach, then you will, more than likely, be less devastated when your honey decides it’s time to hit the road.
“It is said that people come into your life for a reason. It is rare the person comes into your life forever,” Dr. Semaj said.
“It might be harder for women to cope knowing you have given the man the best years of your life and now you find that you are 35 or 36 and you were living a lie; he wasn’t who he said he was, so now you have to think about starting all over again…”
So how do you move on after he has left you alone with a young baby and your heart is torn up?
- Release your emotions. Cry, throw things around, curse, roll on the ground, get the emotions out.
- Understand the process of grief — there will be denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So don’t feel so bad when you are calling him at 3:00 am to beg him to take you back; when you still call yourself Mrs. Scott even though he has remarried; when you are eating the second tub of ice cream on Valentine’s Day alone; and when you can’t watch Love Actually ever again. It’s a process, and you’ll get through it eventually – both you and your baby.
- Do not shut yourself away, no matter how tempting it may be to simply give up. Instead, have a strong support group and use it. Seek the help of family and good friends who will stay over and help you get through the nights with the baby while you get some rest.
- Find things to occupy your time. Again, you may not have the zeal to do anything, but force yourself to do so anyway. Go for walks with the baby, get out of the house. Do just about anything that will help to keep you from becoming more depressed.
- Stay away from intimate relationships. If you mask your hurt in a new relationship and that relationship fails, it will become twice as painful for you. That’s not to say you shouldn’t date, but keep it light and don’t get physical too early.
- Socialize with friends. Go to the movies, preferably comedies, and find comfort in groups. Just stay away from persons who are going to make you feel worse about your situation. So don’t go out with your coupled-up friends, and don’t go out with people who will encourage you to find someone else quickly before all your eggs have dried up.
- Change your routine. If you are accustomed to doing things with him, change this, and do them differently. Do not go to the places you visited together on a regular basis until you are sure it will not make you sad.
- Get rid of his favorite dress, underwear, etc, as every time you wear them you will remember him. Dump the mixed CD he made for you. Remove his special ringer from your phone. Cleanse your home and your mind of things that are a constant reminder of the good old days with him. And do not convince yourself that he will be coming back. Especially if he is already living with or married to someone else.
- Spend loads of time with your baby as he/she grows. Often you will find comfort just staring into their innocent faces.
Coping After Being Dumped While Pregnant
Some women admitted that they were scared to death to have their babies on their own after being dumped. They admitted to feeling lost and confused which sometimes lead to depression.
“To be honest there were days when I was so angry that I just wanted the child out of me,” Antonette said. “I felt as if I wanted nothing to do with it,” “One day I was going to work and I felt as if I would just walk out into the street in front of a bus and kill it. The only thing that stopped me was that I would probably be killed in the process.”
So how do you cope?
- Focus on eating healthy for you and the child: As hard as it is shift your emotions from the unthinkable thing he did to you and instead focus on the health of both you and your unborn child. Visit the clinic as scheduled and make sure to keep up with the progress of your child.
- Read about becoming a new mom: Read about the journey of being a new mom and the joys and challenges that comes with this. This will put you in a better frame of mind to do it on your own. Once you have the knowledge then giving birth n growing your child alone may not seem so impossible.
- Get your bestie and go shopping for baby clothes. This should add some excitement to being pregnant and starts the bonding process with you and your unborn child.
- Throw a baby shower: If you are not financially stable, having a baby shower and asking your friends to bring stuff for the baby is a wonderful idea. Usually, you are given so much stuff that your baby may even outgrow some and you won’t have to spend as much.
- Advise his parent’s you are having their son’s child: This is dependent on the relationship you may have with his parents and the type of parent they are. If you get along well with them prior to your pregnancy this should be an easy task and they may be very willing to help with their grandchild. If they are like their son and want nothing to do with you or your child leave them be.
Things Not to Do While Pregnant And Dumped!
- Do not drink nor smoke. Do not fall into the habit of drinking and smoking when depression kicks in as this could harm the unborn child. A baby’s brain and other organs start to develop the moment you become pregnant and so these habits can damage the baby’s brain. It can also lead to respiratory problems or even result in stillbirth. Research shows that smoking while pregnant can lower the amount of oxygen going to the baby’s brain which can lead to premature development, and even increase your chances of miscarriage.
- Do not make the hasty decision to terminate. Yes, it is very scary when you think about raising a child on your own. But despite this, do not make any hasty decision to terminate. Once done it cannot be undone and if you make this decision in hast you won’t be able to go back and undo it.
- Do not build up resentment towards the unborn child. This is very easy to do after the child’s father walked out on you. However, remember that the child is innocent in all of this and does not deserve you turning against them for no fault of their own. Therefore, do not refer to the child as ‘it’, that ‘it’ is actually a living being created by you.
- Do not treat the child with distance after giving birth. Do not take your anger for the father out on the child. Remember, the child is innocent and does not deserve it. If you are angry with the father, be angry at the father. But love the child. If you need to forgive the father in order to be a loving and effective parent, do it.
- Do not abandon the child. Do not leave your child with grandparents or family members because you want nothing to do with him. This could affect the child. He/she already does not have a dad around which will affect them emotionally the older they get. To have their mom abandon them too will destroy their self-worth and makes them feel that they are not good enough and not loved.
- Do not blame the child for the break up of your relationship. Chances are if you did not get pregnant the man would still be around. But getting pregnant and having him walk out only speaks to the character of the person you were with – if he walked out on a woman pregnant with his child what type of person was he? why would you want him in your life? obviously he would not be there for you in your worst times. That being said, it is not the child’s fault that he walked out. He would have done it sooner or later anyway. On the flip side, you should thank your child for showing up the man you loved to be the snake he turned out to be.
