Anya and Kendrick had been together for close to seven years. They had a child together and Anya felt this was it for her. She had found the love of her life and they had started a family. They were even planning on getting married and having another child. For sure her future with him was secure. They had the usual bank accounts, mortgage, and vehicles together that stable couples do.
One day, purely by accident, Anya found out that Kendrick had been having an affair with a relative of one of his close friends and that the relationship had been ongoing for almost two years. She was devastated! She felt that her life with him had been a lie. After confronting him and despite the facts presented to him he denied the entire thing. It wasn’t until she actually caught the two together that he admitted it. Informing Anya that he was in love with the other woman and she could either accept it or leave.
She left!
But how do you treat your ex-boyfriend who dumped you? How do you move on from that?
It can be an excruciating and confusing period in your life to be dumped for another woman. For sure this damages your self-esteem and leaves you with a number of questions, the least of which is “what did I do wrong?” “What could I have done differently?” You feel as if this is a dream and that you can’t seem to wake up from it.
But then weeks pass, and you realize the dream is not about to end, you got to get up and face the world – and face that lying, cheating, backstabbing prick! So how do you treat him:
1. Be angry but hold it in: If for example, you have to go back for stuff for you and your child (assuming you took the child with you) arrange a time when you know he is not there. At no point should you show your emotions to him. Let him wonder how you are feeling. No matter what he said and how much he fancies himself in love with someone else, you shared seven years, which definitely means something to him. And based on how you left and if very little was said on your part, he would be wondering what is going on in your head.
2. Be calm: Whether you run into him or his new girl, ensure that you do not lash out. Be calm, even if you are jeered by the other woman who feels she has won a huge battle (one that you didn’t even know you were fighting).
3. Do not ask him for anything: If he was the provider – and for sure he needs to be taking care of his child, do not ask him for anything. A lot of times men feel they have the upper hand because you have to be dependent on them financially, thus, this gives them the ammunition to treat you however they want. Therefore, show him that you can survive without him. Turn to friends and family at this time. People you can count on. This is not the time to let pride stand in the way. A number of women would rather stay with the man despite being treated like dirt than turn to family. That’s why we have families and friends, to be there for us in hard times. If you have a job great! You already won this small victory. If you don’t, then it’s time to get cracking and figure out how you will survive with your child. Unfortunately, you may even need to get your local court involved for child support.
4. Apply the No Contact Code: Meaning, no texting to plea for him to take you back, no calling his phone, no going to places you know he will hang out, no ‘accidental’ bumping into him – no contact whatsoever! As much as you need closure and have 100 questions running around in your head – reason them out with an unbiased girlfriend or family member. Do not contact him to ask. He is more than likely waiting to hear from you as he feels you have to come back because you are dependent on him and cannot survive with him. Therefore — stay away from him! He dumped you, remember?
5. Ignore him completely: Nothing eats at an ex more than being ignored. He will eventually text, he will call, he may even find out where you are staying and come by. Ignore him. More often than not, they always use the excuse of the child to contact you. If he calls and depending on the age of the child, let the child speak to him directly. You need not have a conversation at this point.
6. Take advantage of the joint account: If you have an account together take full advantage of what is in it. If you don’t, he sure will – probably to take his new girl out, or pay her bills, buy her gifts, etc. While you need support for you and your child. It is a joint account and very legal to do with it as you wish. Right now, you have even more right to every penny that is in that account than he does. The sooner you get to it the better before he gets the chance to empty it out!
7. Dress to kill: Depression will step in for sure. This usually makes you lack energy, so much so that you do not feel you can get out of bed in the morning moreover to shower and dress. All you feel like doing is stay in bed and cry, no food, and no human contact. This feeling is quite normal and can last weeks, even months. However, this is where you have to force yourself to live. Force your way out of bed and not only that but like William H. McRaven says, Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life. After you have got out of bed ensure that once you step through the door you are looking your absolute best! Don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking he did well in choosing the other woman because you lost your attraction. Be advised that there is no way he will think for a second that you look battered and abused because of what he did to you. Thus, the reason you have to ensure you are looking even better than ever. Remember, men are turned on by what they see – make him see you and wonder what the heck he has done!
8. Smile and move on: If you bump into him on the street, in the mall, or wherever – you know you are looking good and walking with confidence – now just give him a beaming smile and a courteous nod and walk on by strutting your stuff as you go. Yes! Your heart skipped a beat, as expected, but walk tall, don’t show your true feelings, and do not look back, no matter how tempted you are. For sure he will be looking back at you.
9. Have fun! Enjoy some time out with your friends and post it on you WhatsApp status, on your Facebook page on Instagram, wherever … and let him see that you are not home moping and singing “I’m all cried out over you” by Allure. Let him see that you are instead singing “I will survive,” by Gloria Gaynor.
10. Ignore the existence of the other woman: If by chance you have to talk to him for any reason, do not inquire about his present girlfriend. Ignore her existence. Do this for two reasons (1) It can cause you to break down if you hear they are still together (2) she does not deserve your time. If you see them together do not create a scene…walk on by and flash that wonderful smile of yours while staring her straight in the eyes – not him. Later when you get to your safe place – you can cry, break things, eat a tub of ice cream, whatever makes you feel better.
11. Do not be his friend: Do not allow him to tell you that he wants you to continue being friends – if he truly wanted your friendship he would not have dumped you in the first place. He would not have lied to you, he would have been honest as persons should be with their friends, and he definitely would have had a conversation with you about calling it off so you could come to a mutual understanding and prepare yourself for it.
In Anya’s case, it will be more difficult for her to follow the steps above. For sure it will be hard for her to stay calm when she sees him, hard to not ask for anything especially since a child is involved, hard for her to have genuine fun, and definitely hard for her to even smile. Nonetheless, she can and will find her own strategy and her own way to grow pass her situation. While it is no comfort, it is a fact that millions of women worldwide have been through similar situations and have come out victorious.
There are ways however to have your ex regret dumping you. But, you have to decide if you want him back at this point or if you are truly better off without him in your life. In the end, he will come back asking for a second chance – they usually do, now the ball will be in your court to play or not to play.
Here are some real steps to make your ex regret leaving you for that other woman:
#1 GIVE HIM TIME TO MISS YOU!
Do not contact him, no matter how tempting it will be. You have to draw for all the dignity within you and stick by it. As much as this hurt and as much as you cry endlessly, it will also work in your favor. Even though he dumped you – and may even feel satisfied doing so at the time, give him time away from you and he will start thinking about you. However, you must give him time to miss you. If you are always in his face he will not have time to do so. Missing you will bring back memories, memories bring yearning, and yearning brings regret. Just the place you want him to be. If you are tempted to call or text – delete his contact.
#2 LET HIM SEE HOW DARN GOOD YOU LOOK!
In between the pain and disappointment and after you have spent your allotted time crying and going through the various emotions, tell yourself that the next task at hand is to make him see what he is missing. Now it is time to go shopping or dig deep into your closet for those hot numbers you had subconsciously tossed aside. Get a different hair-cut and make sure you are looking hot! Your rule of thumb should be you can bump into him or his friends at any time. When this happens, you should knock him dead! Or let his friends see you and can’t wait to report back to him!
#3 TAKE CONTROL OF YOU!
Spend time doing things you love and things you have wanted to do but haven’t got around to. Do things that make you feel genuinely happy. When you feel happy on the inside this will show on the outside. Tell yourself no one is worth stealing your joy especially while theirs is in tack. This is an opportunity to find yourself outside of a relationship. Sometimes we are so caught up in our relationship that we lose ourselves, we no longer know where our partners end and where we begin. Which, to be honest, this is why some breakups hit us so hard and we feel like we are literally going to die!
#4 HAVE FUN!
Hang with your bestie and genuinely seek to have fun. Go out driving if you enjoy nature – that always relaxes the mind. Throw an all-girls party; get together with friends for some board games – anything to take your mind off your current situation. While doing this take lots of pics and post them on social media let him see not only how hot you look but that you are genuinely happy! He will think about doing these things with you.
#5 DO THINGS TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS!
Yes, this works like a charm. Go out of your way every now and then to make sure either he or his friends see you out with some guy all getting chummy. Or post pictures with the two of you out. Even if it’s your best friend’s guy while you were all at a party together having a good time (your ex doesn’t have to know who the guy is) as long as you have a hand on his shoulder and laughing in his face. Just make sure your beastie is cool with that.
#6 RESPOND WHEN HE FINALLY REACHES OUT!
When he decides to reach out, do not ignore it. Respond without giving out too much information and definitely not information on how you are truly doing. If he asks how you have been, tell him you are doing ‘great’. Don’t ask how he is doing… even if you are itching to know. Let him feel you have no interest in that area. Before the conversation gets too far let him know you are willing to talk but you have something that you have to get to now. Just leave him hanging. He will text or call again.
#7 TURN DOWN ALL HIS INVITES!
He may now be going through his regrets and decide to make a move by inviting you out for coffee or one of your former hang out spots. Tell him you would love to but not that particular day (whatever day he suggests). Don’t give a definite day but tell him maybe some other time. This will really have him thinking you are getting over him and regret will begin to overwhelm him. If he invites you via social media avoid responding at all. This will drive him nuts!
#8 IGNORE HIS BIRTHDAY!
If you decide to acknowledge his birthday or any other special occasion, that will only give him an insight into the fact that you are still wrapped up in him and make him feel like the king of the jungle – the very opposite of what you have been trying to accomplish all this time. Let him acknowledge your birthday, Valentine’s Day, and other special occasions – then you will know that he is really having regrets for dumping you.
Despite all these tips and advice, remember, he dumped you and made himself your ex! Do not feel pressured into taking him back. All these tips can simply serve to give you closure knowing you could have had him but didn’t want him back!
