There is absolutely no greater feeling than to be in love and be loved in return. To be accepted and appreciated totally and completely for who you are, to feel secure and untouchable no matter what is happening around you, to be held in someone’s arms and feel you never want to leave.
Unfortunately, love can be complicated and not everyone touched by the darts of this spellbound emotion spends the rest of their days together in peaceful bliss.
Having to tell someone you love that you are breaking off with them may be just as difficult for you as it is for the receiver – depending on the circumstances. And the question might be asked – if you love someone and that person loves you back why break it off? Here are some reasons you may have the need to end a love affair.
- You fell in love with a married person.
- You are moving to another country
- You found out the person you love is a serial liar
- You found out the person you love is a serial cheater
- You found out they are already involved in another relationship that you knew nothing about when you met and forged a relationship together
- You want kids but they don’t, or vice versa
- They cheated with your family member
- You can’t have children, so he had them with someone else while you were together
- He molested your child
- He’s convicted of a serious crime and will be locked away for life
- They have become obsessively jealous
- The only thing you have in common is good sex
Irrespective of the reason, breaking up with someone you love will hurt you as you think about how the other person will feel, and as you question yourself if you are doing the right thing. Even though you are the one doing the breaking up you should know that this may not exempt you from having sleepless nights afterward and going through the stages of grief.
Breaking up with someone you love is hard
Stop!! Is this what you really want?
Before you go ahead and call it quits…
- Make sure you thought long and hard about it.
Breaking up should be a last resort. Therefore, ensure that you gave it serious thought and that you tried all you could to make it work before coming to this decision, including counseling.
- Communicate with your partner the issues that are leading to this decision.
Sometimes the way we see things in our relationship is not the way the other person views it, and what you may think to be an issue may not be an issue in their eyes. Therefore, discuss with them what the issues are that would want to make you break up with someone you love before you actually do so. You may be able to fix the problems together with some effort on both sides.
- Ensure breaking up is what you really want before you do it.
Do not make a decision to break up in the heat of the moment and in the midst of an argument, as this can certainly be a judgment clouder. If it is however something you thought long and hard about and realize that this the best thing for both of you, then stick to the plan and ensure you do so as soon as possible to avoid dragging it out. If you have decided to go ahead with the brake up, let the reasons for doing it be your guide and your strength. Just keep reminding yourself why it must be done. A number of times persons attempt to break off a relationship but decide to give it another try based on the other person’s reaction to the news. Again, if this is what you really want, stick to it – no matter what! Constant breaking up and making up only breaks down the reliably and strength of the relationship.
- This will hurt you too
Have a made-up mind before you actually break it off that you will hurt too and be prepared to go through the stages of grief that will follow. However, if you are firm in your decision and stay focused on why it must be done, even if it’s not what you want but it’s best for the relationship – be prepared to live with the discomfort. Be assured, however, time heals all hurt.
So how do you actually break it off?
- Let them know you want to talk and arrange to meet.
Arrange to meet at a mutual spot. One that is partly private. This will eliminate the possibility of any drama as well as lessens the urge to pull her into your arms and kiss her silly while abandoning the breakup plan. If your relationship was built on sexual attraction, it is better to meet in a completely public place to avoid any temptation.
- Do it face to face
It is very disrespectful to have a love affair with someone overtime only for them to receive a text message or an email informing them that the relationship is over. The best way to break up is in person. This way you can deal with all the questions directly and form your sentences based on the physical expression of the other individual. However, do not be dissuaded by tears or anger. And do not give in to guilt trips.
- Provide closure
As much as possible explain the reason why you are calling off the relationship. Explain that you still love them but that you think it is best that you end the relationship and provide the reasons. More than likely there will be many questions. Answer each one honestly and fairly. Breaking off with someone and telling them ‘it’s not their business’ when they ask you a question is downright heartless. Questions are asked to gain closure. No one can effectively move on from a breakup without closure. You are breaking up with them – so everything pertaining to the breakup is their business!
However, there may be some breakups that took the other person by surprise and at that moment, they may be so dumbstruck that they cannot think of any questions to ask. Be fair to them. They will need closure in the future. So, if this is their reaction let them know that they don’t have to say anything there and then but that you would be willing to meet again in the near future to answer any question they may have.
- Do not tell them ‘we can still be friends’!
Contrary to many persons’ belief, no one wants to hear the words ‘we can still be friends’ during a breakup. This is adding salt to the wound! The fact is that each time they see you it will hurt all over again knowing you are no longer together. Being ‘your friend’ means they will have to pretend to be happy for you when they see you with your new partner, or turn up at your wedding or baby shower, or hang out with you and your friends as ‘just buddies’, all this will be painful. Friendship can happen but only after both parties are healed of the hurt of separation. Thus, they won’t be affected by the fact that you have moved on with your life. Not only that but ‘we can still be friends’ only gives false hope that the relationship isn’t really over.
- Do not call or text
You decided to call it off. Therefore, do not call or text to find out how your now ex is doing. This is sending mixed-signal and will confuse them as they will wonder what it is you really want. Also, it does not allow either of you time to heal and go through the process of grief.
For advice on what to do after you have said your goodbyes see How To Move On From An Ex – Get the Facts!
Breaking Up With Someone You Have Been Living With
Breaking up with someone you love can be much easier if you have not been married or living together for a long period of time. It is a known fact, however, and as sad as it may be that couples break up even after 30 years of being together. The longer you have been together, especially in a living together relationship – is the harder it is to say goodbye – no matter how strained the relationship may have got.
So What are some of the reasons people break up after years of living together?
- One party has given up on the relationship. I seem that for some time now you are the only one making sacrifices that benefits the union and your partner is only on the receiving end. Whenever a decision is to be made it comes right back to you making it on your own and giving up your dreams and plans to make it work. There is no meeting you partway. This then develops in arguments that continue over time and a break down in respect and values.
- One person stopped caring. Now that you have sacrificed so much to make your marriage work and not seeing any effort or appreciation in return, and while the arguments continue, you suddenly find that you no longer care. In fact, you stopped making the sacrifices and putting in the extra efforts. If one or both persons stopped caring about the relationship then for sure it is only a matter of time before someone turns elsewhere for interest or decides to call it quits.
- No sexual attraction. Months, even years go by and there is no physical contact between the two. You sleep in the same bed out of routine, but backs are turned to each other. If this is the case, then for sure it will only be a matter of time before you will be saying goodbye to the one you love – or loved? It could be that one or both persons have grown apart; have sexual interest elsewhere; do not want the relationship anymore or not attracted to the other as they used to be.
- You feel trapped. So you married Prince(s) Charming, they could charm a glass from around the water and the water still stood standing! But for whatever reason, you woke up one day and found yourself living with the Black Prince. They are possessive and demanding and sucks every joy from your life. You cannot breathe without it turning into an argument and you know this is not living. You fancy yourself in love, but only with the idea of who your spouse once was. Soon you may be plotting ways on how you can leave the relationship for good!
- There is no trust. Your trust has been destroyed over and over again. Now every move your partner makes becomes questionable, even if this time they were innocent. No relationship can effectively survive without trust. No matter how much love is in the mix.
- You are in love with someone else. You have been having a secret love affair and cannit seem to shake it. It has been months, now going on years and still, you are involved with someone else. It is no longer just physical, but you find yourself making plans for the future together. For sure this is not good for any couple living together and is best to say your goodbyes. If you have been thinking about breaking up with your spouse instead of ways to end the affair then it may just be time for those goodbyes.
If you have been married, and especially where children are involved, it is always recommended to seek marital counseling to address the issues affecting your marriage. Sometimes all that is required is some amount of outside professional intervention to make a couple realize the love they really share for each other. A number of couples once married often start taking each other for granted and before they know it things have become a big mess. Remember, relationships take work – marriage even more so. Be careful not to take each other for granted.