The question is asked quite often — Are relationships hard work? The answer is really two-fold. Yes, in the initial stages, and no, when you have got to the stage of knowing what works for you and your partner and what doesn’t. There is a saying that nothing comes easily. This is very true. Relationships are no different.
Many enter relationships thinking there is nothing to it and that it is as easy like Sunday mornings! Only to discover that they encounter nothing but stress and disappointments along the way. Ultimately, the relationship will fail as one person starts complaining of putting in too much effort, and the other person not caring. Why do you think they say that? Because it takes effort — lots of effort! In other words, it takes work!
Relationship Requires Work
However, the fact is that long term relationships can be very satisfying if the right effort is put into it and will eventually transfer seamlessly into your dream union where no work is required.
In fact, one Caribbean psychologist said if you want your relationship to work you have to treat it as you would your regular day job. Get up each morning and put effort into it rather than leave it up to chance. When you do this then you find that the relationship becomes better overtime for the two of you. Logically, imagine not communicating with your partner and only speaking to them when you are in the mood, or when you want a question answered, or when you want to ask a favor. As against constantly spending the time getting to know the person you are with and finding out their likes and dislikes, etc. Sometimes it may not be physical work that is required, but mental.
Put Time and Effort Into Your Relationship To Make It Work
If you are entering a serious long term relationship then you have to put some real work in. Let no one advise you differently — and if they do, check if they are still committed or how many relationships they have gone through. So, what are the areas that require hard work in your relationship?
Work on Communication
The early stages are where the real work is required. This is how you get to know the other person, through verbal communication. While some persons do very little verbal communication initially but instead allow their body to speak for them by jumping into sex from early, this is never a good idea as this does not allow you to know the person you are with. Loving sex and knowing how to satisfy the other person in bed is no substitute for knowing the character of that person and having them love you for who you are. In fact, if you communicate via sex before you get to know the real person, you may end up disappointed after realizing this is not the person you thought they were. This can impact your self-esteem. This disappointment could have been avoided if you got to know the person’s character prior — something you cannot take back. Verbal communication is how you will learn what works and what doesn’t work for you and them. This is how you know what their values and principles are, and this is how you know if they are the right person for you.
It Is Important To Work On Communication In your Relationship
Changing Your Mindset To Include ‘Us’ Instead Of Me.
Being who you have been for just about all of your life will take a lot of work in readjusting to now include someone else. No longer will you be focused on you, your dreams, your career, your finances, and your freedom, but now you have to more or less reprogram your mind to include the other person. For sure this will take a lot of adjustment and you may not get it right initially which could lead to a few arguments here and there until you do.
Work On Being Responsible
Men are generally the provider. So for them to move from providing solely for themself to now doing so for someone else will take some work. They now have to ensure that they are actually in a position to do so, which could involve changing jobs, going back to school, taking on extra hours, etc. For a woman, it may be that she is accustomed to being independent and now has to bend somewhat to accommodate a man helping to provide for her. After all, it will take work for her to even accept that the role of the man in the home is to be the head of that home and allow him to play his role to prevent him from feeling inadequate and intimidated by her.
Work At being Responsible in Your Relationship
Adapting to Change
The mere thought of change seems like work! But once you enter into a relationship there will be changes. You may have to change your living accommodation, change your single thinking, change your mindset to adapting that you have to compromise all aspects of your life.
Learning What Works For The Other Person
You will now have to spend time learning what works for the other person. This will take time and effort. Learning about someone you are involved with should happen on a daily basis until you are at a stage where you are comfortable being your real self around them.
Work On Sharing Your Space
Believe it or not, just accepting someone else sharing your space is mental work. It requires adjusting to accommodate someone which may take some time and effort to accomplish. This is particularly difficult if you are a loner.
Work at Sharing Your Space In Your Relationship
Being Accountable To Someone Else
Then comes the task of technically giving up your ‘do what I want to do, when I want to do it’ attitude to now becoming accountable to someone else. Now you have to disclose where you are, what you are doing, and who you are doing it with. This is something some persons have a big problem with. But this is is a requirement for serious relationships as nondisclosure can lead to jealousy, mistrust, arguments, and ultimately unhappiness. Thus, the effort has to be made to switch your attitude where this is concern.
Being Open And Honest
If you want to have a successful relationship, you have to ensure that you are open and honest. For someone who is not accountable and who is not accustomed to being honest then it will definitely be hard work and could even include counseling.
Making The Effort To Spend Time Together
If you are not the outgoing type who likes spending time with your favorite person – you… then it will take some hard work to start doing the very opposite. It means stepping outside of the norm and who you are to begin to spend time with someone else. If you do not take the time to spend this time with then you may never be able to establish a good foundation.
Make The Effort To Spend Time Together
Acceptance
It takes work and effort to accept the person for who they are. You may not like something about the person but you still have to accept them based on their overall personality. Accept your partner for who they are and not trying to change them to who you want them to be is essential. Acceptance of the good and the bad about someone is not an easy task and this is where some people give up on the other person. Acceptance is hard work.
Making Sacrifices
Without a doubt, you have to sacrifice for the other person. This could be giving up something you like because they are allergic to it, giving up hanging with your friends to spend time with them, giving up going to the strip club because of the Christian principles of your partner, etc. Thus, sacrifice takes effort.
Work On The Physical
We all know that when we meet and start dating someone we always want to look our very best! Sometimes that even requires going shopping and switching out our wardrobe just so so we can feel confident around them. So not only does this require work in putting ourselves together, but it may even cost us money.
New Couples Usually Want To Look Their Best For Each Other
Different Stages Of A Relationship
A number of times persons will give up on a relationship in the early stages because it requires so much effort — so much work. But like getting a new job you have to spend the time in training and learning the requirement of that institution and the responsibilities involved in carrying out your assigned duties effectively. You cannot enter a workforce and jump directly into your role doing things your way or the way you are accustomed to without learning the rules and requirements of that institution. Imagine going this route without any training and leadership. After your three months probationary period you may very well be told you are not working out as you are not a good fit for the company. The same rules apply to a relationship. If you are not willing to work at adjusting, you will not hold that position for long — guaranteed! In fact, if you want a good, solid, lasting relationship it can be quite challenging — but will work out if you persevere at it.
In order to better work at your relationship, you first need to understand the various stages a relationship goes through:
Stage #1
Infatuation / Attraction — You just met and you are crazy about the person. You spend every waking moment thinking about them, thinking about their smile, the way they smell, and the way they make you feel when you are around them. This is the stage where everything is just perfect and you never want to wake up from this dream. You are technically lost in each other and curse every moment you are not together. This is when you spend time getting to know each other and fancy yourself ‘in love’. You want to be your best and they want to be their best with you because you both want whatever you have to last forever. This means putting your best foot forward both physically and emotionally. The issue here is that the same attention you give to your physical appearance is often the same attention you give mentally, which means you guard your true self and show only your best side so they only see what you want them to see. Thus the real you is kept hidden. It is believed that this phase can last from a couple of months to a couple of years.
Couples First Go Through The Attraction Stage In a Relationship
Stage #2
Letting down your guard/ Crisis stage— At this stage, you start letting down your guard and being your true self, while the other person will begin to do the same. This may be as a result of getting comfortable around each other — though scientist believes the dopamine (produce by the body to send messages between nerve cells and your brain) and oxytocin (produce by the body and released into the bloodstream to cause excitement) begins to wear off. This is the stage where each person’s true self begins to show and when crisis steps in. Now you start seeing things about the person you may not like or noticing things about them that annoy the heck out of you. At this stage, you may want to draw back on memories from your days of attraction to keep you connected in order to work past this stage. This is the point where you will begin to disagree and argue with each other. Thus it will take some serious work to get past this stage into the next. Unfortunately, this is the stage persons either decide to stay together or go their separate ways. The stage when one may lose interest and steer their attention in another direction on someone else that causes their blood pressure to rise and who excites them.
From time to time, you hear someone say ‘he/she is not serious about the relationship’. This is because the other person was not putting in any effort to make it work. If one person is putting in the work and the other is just the beneficiary of it then it can lead to a breakup. See One-Sided Relationship — The Hard Facts!
Couples Get To Know the Real Person Behind the Mask/Crisis Stage
Stage #3
Accepting each other — Now that you have got to know each other for who you really are and have worked through the crisis that occurred, you now begin to accept each other for who you really are. You have now become comfortable around each other without any pretense. You practically can finish each other’s sentences at this stage. However, This is also the stage where you can begin to take each other for granted and if this should happen your relationship is once again heading for disaster. So even though you are at this stage you have to still work at keeping the flames burning in order to maintain your partner’s attention… sounds like a lot of work to me!
However, while you are getting to know each other, it can be quite fun! In fact, it should be. So as you move on to accepting each other you will realize that you do not mind the differences that you share but rather welcome them. Sometimes the difference in someone allows you to come out of your box and rise to a higher level of who you are — all on your own. Be aware that it will take a lot to accept someone else in your life and so you have to be serious about it.
Couples Begin to Accept Each Other For Who They Really Are
Stage #4
Commitment /Enjoying each other — You are enjoying each other so much that you have decided to truly commit. You cannot see your future without the other and may even start talking marriage and children (if you haven’t yet one so during the attraction stage which many people do — out of excitement.) So now you purpose in your heart that you will not leave the relationship no matter what hurdle you may face as you are practically joined at the hips for the long haul. You have recognized all the shortcomings and faults of your partner but decided they are faults you can live with. At this stage, you do not have to put as much work in as things will smoothly fall into place on a daily basis. In fact, what you do is no longer considered work but you now begin to feel a sense of pleasure to be able to do something wonderful for your partner each day. You are truly in love and love makes everything effortless. This is a stage of pure joy that will lead you into the final stage.
After Acceptance, Couples Begin to Enjoy Each Other
Stage #5
Unconditional Love & Togetherness — Indeed you have got to the place in your relationship where everyone wants to be! You feel loved and secure and that love is cemented by trust. You do not have to wonder about your spouse, what they are doing, and how they feel about you. You have technically become one flesh — you hurt when they hurt and celebrate when they celebrate. All the work you had to put in has lead to this stage. And it was well worth it! At this stage, it no longer crosses your mind that the relationship is too much work. Because it no longer is. You can express your love for each other freely and everything is done as a team. Now it is all about love and togetherness. Here you share everything that you can possibly share and feels right and comfortable doing so.
If you find that all the stages of your relationship are stressful and you are not enjoying each other after years of being together it means something is not right and you may need to evaluate your relationship, what you want from it, and where it is at. It may not be the right relationship for you. The hard work should be temporary and transition smoothly into the love and togetherness stage.
After The Hard Work Couples Reach the Stage of Unconditional Love and Togetherness
Disadvantages Of Not Working On Your Relationship
If you are one of those that believe that a relationship does not require work, as mentioned above, then take a look at some of the disadvantages to leaving your relationship up to chance.
>Boredom steps in. If you do not put the effort into your relationship, one or both persons will become bored. Boredom is never a good thing in a relationship as this can lead to one or both persons going outside the relationship to seek excitement. Therefore, keep each other happy and attentive.
Lack of trust. This is another disadvantage of not putting effort into making your relationship work. If you do not work at building trust your partner may feel they are not a part of your life and may not trust your future together.
There Are Disadvantages To Not Working on Your Relationship
>Taking each other for granted. Note well — never take the other person for granted. No matter if you have found yourself at the final stage. This is as bad as saying you do not want the relationship. Complacency has been the death of many a good relationship. So continue to tell your partner how much you love them, continue to take them out. Continue to do things together and ensure that you show your appreciation of them daily.
> Someone else will put in the effort. Not putting the work in to make your partner feel special more often than not leads to infidelity.
>You grow apart. Since no effort is being made to spend time together and to get to know your partner you will sooner than later grow apart. That means inviting in a breakup.
