The words spoken at the alter ‘for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘til death…’ sometimes see both the couple who pledged these vows to each other, and the children involved literally dying an emotional and sometimes even physical death before one partner realizes that enough is enough! Unfortunately, some parents never come to this realization even after their child is diagnosed with mental issues and the reason given is trauma caused from their home environment. In fact, some parents never see the need to make a change until their child is found dead as a result of suicide – and that’s the cold truth!
So, while adults are the ones who stood before God and man to happily commit to each other and declare the ‘… until death’ vows, the children were mere onlookers or may not even have yet been in the picture, thus they were not part of that covenant making. Therefore, when stuff hits the fan, it is only fair that children are not held at ransom for the vows made by their parents. Their feelings should and must be taken into consideration and their well-being come into play. Remember, as adults, you are there to guide, guard and protect them, come what may. That is the unspoken commitment you made when you brought that child into the world.
Many will advise that no matter what it is happening in your marriage that you stay together for the sake of the children – this advice is not only wrong, but it is selfish and barbaric for the child. There comes a time when the child’s physical and emotional well-being must come into play. And though as an adult you chose to stay in an abusive relationship – your child did not make that decision.
With that being said – are you wondering when to leave your relationship when kids are involved? When do you stop to say enough is enough!?
- When your child is being sexually abused. Hands down, no questions asked, no consideration necessary – if your child is being sexually abused – it is time to leave. Not only is it time to leave but the matter must be reported to the police and actions taken. This is a criminal offense. This is very traumatic on any child of any age and can damage them mentally and emotionally. This has led to a number of suicides and even murders as that child can grow up to be bitter and heartless.
- When your child is being physically abused. Far too many parents sit by and watch their child being abused and do just that – sit by. This damages the child’s idea of family damages his growth and plants a seed that abuse is the way to solve issues. Children do live what they learn and as they get older, they sometimes become a danger to themselves, to others and to society. If your child is being abused, it is time to take action – leave! Again, while you may make the conscious decision to suffer abuse at the hands of your spouse, rejecting outlets that offers help, your child has no access to these facilities without your direction. They depend on you for their safety.
- You are being physically abused. A number of us women know that it is dangerous to stay in a relationship with a physically abusive partner. No matter how you depend on your partner for financial support for both you and your child/ren, the abuse is not worth it. Again, it is very traumatic for a child to see their mother being beaten day after day and sits in the situation without taking any action to depend and protect herself. Even if you have a legitimate reason to do so, the child does not understand this. Not only do they lose some amount of respect for you, but they grow up feeling that beating on their partner or taking the abuse from their partner is normal and accepts this as a way of life.
- When the child’s environment is used as a drug or prostitution ring. If your partner feels he is the king of the castle and decides that running a drug ring from home or having a prostitution trade in your home is just another way of making extra cash, thus exposing the child/ren to this way of life. It is time to take the child away from that environment. Leave!
- When your partner suffers from severe substance Addiction
If you partner is an alcoholic or a drug addict and his habit impacts both you and your child in such a way that you both live in fear for your lives, then it may be time to go. This is a good time to look out for both yourself and your child/ren. Leaving may be necessary even if for a short turn until if / when your spouse decides to deal with their addiction and anger issues. Though they may not willingly intend to harm you, drugs and alcohol can impair judgement to the point where he/she hurts either yourself or the kids before they realize what they have done.
How to let your children know you are moving out
It can be very difficult for a child to leave the life they once know and start afresh. Sometimes moving out means taking them away from their friends and away from the school they attend, but for both yours and their safety it may be a matter of live or death.
Follow these steps:
- Be open and honest with the kids. Kids are more understanding than we sometimes give them credit for. In fact, while the child may not have openly said it to you before, once you sit the child down and explain that no fault of theirs but you believe you would both be better off if you left your present home and their dad to start afresh, they may confess to you that they have hoped for this a long time ago. You may see an immediate change in their attitude.
- Ask their opinion. Let your child or children know that you have their best interest at heart and that you want what’s best for them and yourself. Depending on their age, ask how they would feel if you moved away to start afresh. If they object explain the reasons as kindly as possible without burdening them with details of why you think moving out would be best. Listen to their concerns and encourage them to speak to you about whatever may be bothering them.
- Get counseling for them. Abuse of any kind can be very traumatic on any child. So, while couples are usually encouraged to seek counseling on how to cope, they often leave the child to figure it out on their own. As much as you need counseling, so does your child. Remember, they suffered through the abuse and/or watched you being abuse too. Get in touch with a child psychologist/counsellor and make arrangement for your child to see them.
- Be aware they hurt as much as you. Once you have moved out, spend as much time with your child/ren as possible. This will eliminate them feeling lonely and unwanted, something children usually feel after a divorce. Talk to them often and encourage them to tell you how they are feeling.
- Plan with them in mind. When moving out, plan with the location of their school/daycare in mind. Plan if and when they get to see their other parent and if you need to sort this out with court. Plan ways in which you can keep the child safe if they were being abused and you feel your ex may seek revenge on the child for telling you.
How to leave that abusive relationship with your child
According to a United Nations report, physical or sexual violence affects one in every three women worldwide. Some national studies show that up to 70 per cent of women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.
And while it may seem black and white for women to grab their kids and flee, every situation varies, and each woman is faced with her own unique hurdle. For some abused women it may be easier to move out and start life afresh on their own, for others leaving means if they are found they will be killed for dishonoring the man and the family or killed out of obsessive jealousy.
Thus, women stay in abusive relationships for various reasons, including to maintain family status and because their hands are tied financially. Others want to leave, but don’t know how.
Women in abusive relationships, therefore, have to plan strategically before they can get out. Here is a guide to get you on your way:
- Acknowledge that you deserve better.
While the first thing abuse destroys is your self-esteem, recognize that you are worth much more than you are being given and that you do not deserve this life. Look ahead and mentally picture where you would like to be years down and road and if this is where you see yourself then. Recognize too that one day you will have to give an account to yourself for what you have allowed to be done to you and what you have allowed to be done to your child. In other words, self-accountability ultimately will chip in and that is the worst kind of accountability.
- Reclaim your dignity
Once you have done your self introspection and accountability assessment, the next step is to reclaim yourself from the manipulation of the abuser. All abusers capitalize on the apparent weakness that they have succeeded in bringing out in their victims. So, to abuse somebody you first have to manipulate the person beyond his or her control and then take control of them. A manipulative abuser would have succeeded in removing his partner’s willpower and virtually have them under his control. Reclaiming yourself begins with self-affirmation and after self- affirmation leads to confidence. Stand up to your spouse and let him know that you have had enough and that you refuse to see yourself or your child suffer at his hands any longer. If he does not take you seriously, then it is on to number
- Plan an escape route and fight your way out
Since most women cannot win a physical fight against a man, she now has to be prepared to fight mentally. This means calculating her escape routes — physical route, mental route and emotional route.
A number of women who remain in an abusive relationship does so because they do not have the mental skills to fight. This mean being willing to give up the notion that you cannot survive without the man as he is the bread winner and you and your child will starve without his support, etc. This is where you now have to gather your mental skills and say you will and can survive without him – even if it mans taking a job as a domestic helper in order to begin a new life for you and your child/ren. Your power is in your mental strength. So, you must calculate and premeditate. After you have calculated you now have to do a pre-emptive strike. This means looking ahead on what you hope to achieve – a better life for both you and your child.
- Have a support system
Having a support system is necessary because in most abuse cases you cannot fight it alone regardless of the mental skills that you have developed. You will have to be sustained and kept in place by a support system. And a support system means that person or those persons with whom you can call upon, whom you can open up to and who will be able to help you to escape physically. Once you have identified that support system or that one supporter and make a plan with them, look for the ideal time to activate your plan. Based on your situation, only you will know when and what works best for you re physically escaping.
- Once out seek the support of the court.
Once you have got out of the abusive situation seek the help of the court to help you to keep custody of your child/ren. This may require a lawyer. Usually Legal Aid in any country you are living in are willing to help you through this free of charge. Courts usually encourage a child be kept in a safe and stable environment and will ensure that the child is kept out of the abuser’s reach.