Tamarie, who lives in the United States, knew shortly after marrying her husband Josh that he was cheating on her. But she felt there was nothing she could do but pray that she would get through the ordeal and pray for things to change. In fact, Tamarie felt it was her fault that her husband was cheating. And so she sat in the situation year after year accepting her fate.
“When we got married I was a virgin,” She explained. “I had no experience where sex was concerned and so I felt whatever was wrong in my marriage was my fault because I didn’t know how to please my husband,” she said. “But I was a Christian and did not believe in sex before marriage, nor did I believe in watching porn or anything like that to gain experience. My husband was a man of the world, he was no virgin and even had a child out of wedlock before we got married. Sex was something we spoke about and he knew my lack of experience. He even told me that he would teach me what I needed to know and that that was one of the reasons he was marring me. So I was happy to marry him, he was very understanding. But on the night of our honeymoon, there was no tenderness on his part. He just did what he wanted to do and that was it. Not only was my body in pain afterward but my heart was in pain. That was not how I dreamt my first time would be. And even though It was new to me I knew that was not how it was supposed to feel.”
When The Sex Is Bad
But as time went by she realized that Josh would not be any more attentive nor gentle with her than he was on their wedding night. She decided it was time to take the situation into her own hands. She started buying sexy lingeries and would wear attractive clothes at home to ensure that she had her husband’s attention.
Tamarie recalled two years into her marriage when she showered and donned silky lingerie and waited until her husband got home. When he arrived, she ushered him into the living room where she had prepared his favorite meal. After the meal, she invited him into the bedroom and waited for him to shower. When that was done she decided it was time to turn on her charms and took the initiative to make love to him.
Few minutes into the act, Tamarie said the worst thing that could happen to a woman happened to her — he got up in the middle of having sex and told her he was going to his other woman because her he was not feeling anything as her vagina was too big! Tamarie recalled sitting on the bed unable to utter a word as she watched him get dressed and walked through the door. She did not see him for another two days.
Her Husband Told Her She Was Bad In Bed
“He left because he said the sex was bad and that his other woman could do it better,” she said. “Can you imagine how I felt? After he left I cried and cried and cried. I couldn’t even talk to anyone about it because I was so ashamed. I felt as if I could not satisfy my husband, as if I could not give him what he wanted and so he left me for another woman. It was the worst feeling in my life. Not only was I unable to satisfy him but he blatantly admitted he was having an affair. That was the first time any mention was made of his infidelity even though I had suspected it for a long time before. I was his wife and he told me that as if I was supposed to accept it as normal.”
Tamarie is still married to Josh and still trying to work pass her situation. She said she and her husband have been communicating more as she has not stopped praying for him.
“My husband was a Christian who backslide and so I know he has good in him. I am still praying for him because I know that if he finds back his pathway he will be a better husband. I know the good part of him and I know the bad. I promised to be married to him for better or for worse so I am sticking by my vows and waiting on God to do the rest. But, she admits, it is not easy and she still feels the pain of rejection every day. She said she has even thought of bringing porn into the bedroom and contemplated going outside the box to threesomes – since her husband is sleeping with other women anyway, even though these are against her principles.
Her Husband Refused To Have Sex With Her
Tamarie is not alone, Narissa, a 48-old Canadian, also recounted a similar incident of rejection while trying to please her husband.
“I remember During my first marriage, I was home with my young son one night and decided to do something special for my husband. He worked away from home and would come home on weekends. One Friday evening when I knew he was to come home I prepared a candlelight dinner complete with wine and put on a two-piece lingerie. I remember it was red. I had spent a lot of time searching for that particular design and was so happy when I found it. I even remember what it looked like. I knew I looked hot, and to be honest, this was the first time I was doing something like this for him so I was very excited. We had been married for about seven years at the time and had one child.
I greeted him at the door expecting him to be excited to see what I was wearing. I remember that he did not even acknowledge what I wearing or the candles on the dining table. I remember him mumbling a good night and walked past me to the bedroom. I followed him thinking he may have not noticed my attire. So I asked if he liked it. Without acknowledging me, he pushed past me to the bathroom and began to shower. When he was done he went to bed. I felt so embarrassed and hurt at the same time. I just put the candles out, put the dinner in the refrigerator, and went to bed. That was the last time I ever did anything like that. Ever! Years later after our marriage ended and he was begging me to take him back I reminded him of that night. He said he remembered and then he apologized and said he did not realize I had gone through so much trouble. He admitted that he was not in a good place at the time and that his focus had shifted,” Narissa said.
Women Are Embarrassed When Husbands Refuse to Have Sex With Them
“But I also learned that his reaction was out of guilt. He had got involve with two women at his work and it was eating at him. That was part of his confession. Today we have been divorced for almost 13 years and even though I have remarried I never tried to do candlelight dinner and lingerie again. To be honest, I am not prepared to humiliate myself like that again.”
Experts Say:
What to do When Your Husband Says The Sex Is Bad
Because your husband says the sex is bad does not automatically mean that you are at fault or that something is wrong with you. It could be the problem lies with him as evident in both Tamarie and Narissa’s case.
“It could be the result of his straying mind or even the possibility of him having become unfaithful,” Family Counselor Anthony L Gordon reminds women. “However, be sure that you are not knowingly or unknowingly turning him off. Create an atmosphere for simple dialogue, talk through the challenges together. Listen to him explain what might be his concerns. If you have concerns about him, put them on the table as well. Remember, too, that men are sexually motivated by what they see and feel, and if for any reason you might not be attentive to your personal, physical well-being and attractiveness, that could hold a part of the answer to your dilemma,” he said.
Unfaithful Husbands Can Refuse Sex With Their Wives
Gordon explained that while some wives may be tempted to leave their marriages because of their husband’s indiscretions, marriage is for keeps, and it is a school from which you will never graduate.
“Ideally, until death do you part,” Gordon reminds. “Moreso, if you are Christians. So you ought to keep that holy ideal in your mind. To make that ‘keeps’ realized, you have to grow together. Your sexual intimacy is a part of your growing together, and if for any reason it is not mutually satisfying, both of you need to get professional and/or medical help to address the matter. There are many factors that could be influencing the situation.”
Dr. Alverston Bailey, a Jamaican family and occupational physician who has gathered a wealth of experience treating and counseling patients with sexual disorders, and who authored the book ‘Sexplanation — a guide to discussing Sex & Sexuality in the Caribbean’, noted that half of all marriages experience some discrepancy in desire at some point with men consistently having a greater sex drive than women.
Dr. Alverston Bailey, author of ‘Sexplanation — a guide to discussing Sex & Sexuality in the Caribbean’
“Interestingly, about one in five women reported that their husbands had turned them down for sex, while half of all men said their wives had turned them down,” Dr. Bailey said.
He explained some of the things that can dampen sex drive between couples.
- Interpersonal Relationships — The most common cause of inhibited sexual desire (ISD) which refers to a low level of sexual desire and interest, seems to be relationship problems in which one partner does not feel emotionally intimate or close to the other. Other common factors are communication problems, sexual boredom, power struggles, conflicts, and a lack of alone time together.
- Sociocultural Influences — Low or lack of sexual interest may be associated with a very restrictive upbringing concerning sex, negative attitudes towards sex, traumatic sexual experiences such as sexual abuse, inadequate education, and conflict with religious, personal, or family values.
- Psychological Factors — Some psychological factors that can prevent a man from wanting to have sex with his partner are, distractions, depression, stress or fatigue, sexual performance anxiety, and aging.
In reference to Tamarie’s thought of bringing porn into her marriage and introducing a third party to get her husband’s attention, Gordon, a graduate of West Indies College (now Northern Caribbean University) and Andrews University, Michigan, USA, who is an avid researcher and writer specializing in marriage, parenting and human sexuality, and a devout minister, said this is not something he would endorse.
Family Counselor Anthony L Gordon reminds women not to sacrifice their moral principles to satisfy their husbands
“There is no way that I could endorse any of these suggestions. You ought not to sacrifice your moral principles, especially when these form a part of your sense of integrity and value system,” he said strongly. “Make every effort to be mutually engaged in your intimate relationships and bond with your husband. It is quite OK to get and watch professionally prepared videos/movies that teach and advocate healthy intimate/sexual relationships, but this also needs to be mutually agreed upon. Threesomes are out. That is adultery. Any spicing-up of the relationship ought to be done by just the two of you. If you sacrifice your principles of personal self-worth and marital fidelity, you will undoubtedly regret it later,” he said. “I have seen too many instances of these over my years of practice. The pain is intense and the regret devastating. The improvement of the marriage is very unlikely because the natural, progressive bonding process with just the two of you has not taken place. I suggest that you sit with a professional who will give you some specific counsel to fit your unique situation.”
Sex therapist Dr. Sidney McGill said despite popular belief that great or better sex can be achieved by more regularity and new positions, this is not so. He explained that the true answer lies in balancing masculine and feminine polarity in sexual intercourse.
Couples Can Achieve Great And Better Sex By Masculine And Feminine Connection
“For electricity to flow from a battery, its positive and negative poles must connect to a device,” Dr. McGill explained. “Sexual polarity follows the same concept where strong sexual attraction occurs naturally between a man and woman as two opposite poles — masculine and feminine poles. A man typically tends to operate within his masculine polarity of hunger for release during sexual intercourse; the woman tends to operate within her feminine polarity of relishing the process of love play and enjoying release as icing on the cake.”
How To Have Better Sex
He said the concept has been explored and written about by David Dieda, author of the books, ‘The Way of the Superior Man’ and ‘It’s a Guy thing, An Owner’s Manual for Women’, which states that the feminine needs the masculine to give it direction, focus, and purpose, while the masculine needs the energy of the feminine to give it drive and passion. The masculine and the feminine need each other — the man typically gives and the woman typically receives in the give and take of love play.
Dr. McGill advises couples to:
* Be authentic in the relationship
* Be conscious of your partner’s changing moods and desires.
* Keep the relationship dynamic by getting out of your comfort zone when it comes to the sexual pleasuring of your partner (and yourself).
* If the woman feels like taking charge of the activities she should not hesitate to actively direct the process while being on top.
* The man should intentionally submit to her being in charge.
* Switch sexual roles without fear.
Additional information by the Jamaica Observer All Woman Magazine.