Falling in love with your friend is not an uncommon occurrence. When that friend is your best friend the situation is even more understandable since that is someone you would have been spending a lot of time laughing with, crying with, sharing your secrets with, and even growing to depend on emotionally.
How to tell that you are falling in love with your best friend?
The signs that you are falling in love with your best friend are similar to those as falling in love — best friend or not!
- Your heart skips a beat whenever you think about them
- You think about them all the time
- You can’t wait to talk to them
- They are the last person you think about before going to bed and the first person on your mind when you wake up
- You make sure you are always looking your best when you see them – even when they visit you at home
- Suddenly you are having sleepless nights as your best friend keeps invading your dreams
- You always want to be around them
- You want to do everything with them
- They are the first one you think about when you have good or bad news
- You pick up stuff at the grocery not because you like them, but because they like it – even though you will be the one eating it.
- You feel a sense of security when you are with them
What to do when you realize you are falling in love with your best friend
So now that you have established that you have fallen in love with your best friend the question is — what do you do?
Friendship is a wonderful, yet sensitive thing that can either be strengthened or destroyed when challenges arise. So if you find that you have fallen in love with your best friend then caution should be taken on how to broach the topic. I mean, what if your best friend does not feel the same way? What if they are in love with someone else? Worst yet — what if your best friend is married?
Falling in love with your best friend
Step 1.
Make sure that what you are feeling is real and not just infatuation caused by a particular thing your friend may have done or even said. You don’t want to be likened to “The Nanny” when Maxwell Sheffield told Fran Fine that he loved her then took it back! So spend some time away from your friend and see how your emotions hold up over time. Take at least two weeks away to monitor the situation from a distance.
Step 2.
If at the end of the time apart you still feel the same or even more attached emotionally, then it will be time for step 3. During this time away from them, do stuff you enjoy but avoid doing things you would have done with your friend as this may cause you to miss doing these things with them. As a result, you may confuse missing doing things with them with missing them. If you find yourself missing them it may be that you really are in love.
Step 3.
Talk to them about ‘a friend’ you know who is in love with their best friend. Then ask if they were in that situation what they would do. Get a sense of their views on the matter without mentioning that the friend is you. If they are quite casual about the situation and even tell you to advise your friend to go for it, then you are in a good place to tell them how you feel. If you are still not sure you should disclose just yet, don’t.
Step 4.
Things can become awkward for you now that you have decided you are really in love with your best friend. The key is not to act any differently around them as this could result in some amount of tension. Be your usual silly self and try to avoid looking at them longingly or making comments that would give the impression you have more on your mind than just friendship.
Please note that while you were missing in action for the two weeks to analyze your feelings, they may have reached out to you even more and told you how much they were missing you and cannot wait to see you. However, do not use this as an indicator that they feel the same way you do, the truth is they may have just missed you as a friend. They are your best friend after all! However, this is where your observation skills come in. Observe how they treat you and if without knowing it they always put your safety, your opinions, and your feelings before there’s. This may be a good sign they are carrying a torch for you. Please note though that friends look out for friends especially those who want you around for a long time, so don’t not over-analyze. But, you will know it when you see it.
Step 5.
Now that you have confirmed you are in love with your best friend, the big question is are you going to brave it out and tell them or are you going to continue pretending you are just friends? This is not an easy decision as it can go either way. They could confess to being in love with you too, or it can make them uncomfortable and pull away from you. Thus, you could lose the friendship that you may have had for years. However, if you chose not to disclose, it will come out in your actions in the future. Eg. they may get involved with someone later and you become so jealous that you subconsciously or consciously sabotage their relationship, or play the role of the jealous partner. Here I will assume that your best friend doesn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend as yet. So are you going to tell them?
Telling your best friend you are in love with them
Step 6.
So let’s say you have decided to tell them. You have to make sure that the time is right and the conversation flows as easily as possible. Avoid acting nervous and uncertain. Go to one of your usual friends hang out quiet spots. You want to make sure that you have their undivided attention as you discuss this life-changing topic. It could even be one of the times you go visit them at their home or when they visit you at home, just the normal setting. Don’t invite them out to a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner or anything like that, nothing that you never did before. Keep it as normal, yet as quiet as possible.
Step 7.
Remember that story mentioned in step 3 about a friend? Well, that could be a good way to start. Ask if they remember you telling them about a friend who was in love with their best friend, then gently tell them that friend is you… then proceed to explain to them how you feel and how long you have been feeling this way, and why. Explain that you understand if they don’t feel the same way and if they needed some time to process the information. Let them know that either way, you will be ok – but you thought they should know. Also, let them know that either way you still want to remain, friends, because you value their friendship.
Step 8.
Expect anything. Do not enter the conversation expecting that they are madly in love with you too. That may be what happens in the movies all the time, but in reality, it can go either way. They may tell you that they have been in love with you in like forever and grab and kiss you madly! Or they might tell you they are sorry you feel that way because they only see you as a friend. In fact, be prepared for them telling you that they are in love with someone else – maybe even a family member! In other words, expect any outcome, so whatever happens, you won’t be taken by surprise. A lot of times the answer from the other person is that they have thought about being more than just friends with you because you have so much in common, but that they are afraid of getting involved intimately as it may ruin your friendship. This is where you take the chance to reassure them it would not and give the reasons for your opinion.
You are in love with your best friend who is not in love with you
What if they are not in love with you?
Now that you have let the cat out the bag (hmmm…I don’t know why people say that! — why would a cat be in a bag?) Anyway, you get the idea…now that you have told them how you feel you may go on being more than just friends to being lovers. On the other hand, if the feeling is not reciprocated, know that you at least told them so it doesn’t have to be awkward for you anymore. However, if they told you that they didn’t feel the same way listen to the reasons why and make sure you do not feel embarrassed about the situation. You may want to take some time to refocus so you can reprogram your mind to going back to just being friends again. However, don’t go missing in action. Explain to them that you want to remain friends, but that you just need a little time to get your bearings back together. Your bestie will understand.
Now that you have taken the time to refocus. Go back to being their friend. As hard, and maybe even embarrassing as this may be at first, try to act as normal as possible and continue doing the things you used to do together. They are your best friend after all and you both want to continue that way.
In love with my best friend — who is married!
This one is definitely tricky! And of course an obvious solution. But not one that you would want to hear if you are in love with your best friend who is married. After all, the heart loves who it loves! But while that may be true and you may not have much control over who your heart beats for, what you do have control over is what you do with that love.
In your with your married best friend
If you are in love with your best friend who is married the smart and best thing to do is give up that friendship. Why?
- To spare your best friends marriage
- To place their need above your own
- To not confuse the situation and confuse them
- To cause less stress for your friend
- It can lead nowhere unless your friend wants to walk away from her family for you
- It would be selfish of you to ask them to walk away from their family for you, especially if children are involved
- If you continue being friends you may get intimate and there may be regrets later – maybe even blame
- To spare yourself the pain
The fact is that if you find yourself yearning for someone else’s spouse, wanting to spend all your waking moments with them, always wanting to text and call them — then this is definitely trouble for both you and your married friend, this can lead nowhere. And if you are also married and in love with a married person, the advice remains the same – Stay away! Focus on your marriage and make your partner become your best friend. Do the things with your spouse as you would want to do with your best friend and over time you may just form a bond similar to that which you shared with your married best friend.
if you advise your friend how you feel and you both decide to remain friends you have to both set boundaries and abide by those boundaries. One of which is never to meet alone and definitely not in private settings as this could lead to intimacy which could lead to trouble.
If your best friend admits to also having feelings for you, again, the same rules apply. Remember, prevention is better than cure.
If you have decided to end the friendship you should have a discussion with your married best friend on how to go about it. Walking away from a friendship without explaining why may leave animosity and ruin the friendship that you would have cultivated over time. Coming to a mutual understanding leaves no room for questions.