When cheating becomes a part of any relationship it leaves an impact on both parties involved. Believe it or not, not only does it affect the person cheated on, but also the cheater.
A Norwegian study showed that men and women react differently to various types of infidelity. Whereas men are most jealous of sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity is what makes women the most jealous. So what does cheating do to a woman?
For 38-year-old Kerry, two years after being cheated on by her husband of seven years, she is still feeling the after-effects.
“Being cheated on was a traumatizing experience for me,” she said. “Knowing that the person whom you not only put on a pedestal but whom you made the center of your world would actually hurt you the way they did.”
Kerry said as a woman, this messes with her mentally.
“It messes with you mentally as you are always thinking about the act and then you question yourself, what I did or didn’t do, and was I not enough? My self-esteem was shaken and the hurt cut really deep. I can’t say I have recovered as I still have flashbacks after two years. I still love my cheater but the pain still remains despite the good days.”
Cheating traumatizes some women
Petrine, 49, says she is still with her lying cheating husband after finding out that he cheated on her not once, not twice, but a number of times during their marriage. She said when she first found out her self-esteem was completely shattered.
“The immediate effect was the worst thing I have ever been through. It was so bad that I thought of killing myself. It makes you feel like a nonentity like you served no purpose in life. Because really and truly to have the one person you trusted with your life and open up to so much treat you like that is a fate next to death,” she said. “It does something to you mentally. You lose yourself and you doubt yourself. You just want to go somewhere and hide from the world.”
Petrine said she packed up and left but because of her two children she decided to give it a second shot. Three years and many counseling sessions later, Petrine said though there are no signs that he is cheating now, his past actions still have a strong impact on her, and she suspects it always will.
“Today I have minus zero percent trust for him. I have next to no sexual attraction for him and sometimes I question if I love him. It is really hard to completely love someone you cannot trust. But I have found my own ways to cope.”
Women lose trust in men after being cheated on
For 42-year-old Rose, the impact of cheating is emotionally entrenched.
“I hate men with a passion!” I want nothing to do with them!” her bitterness was very evident. “All men cheat and if you ever even think about cheating on them they start to get mad like they want to hurt you – just for thinking it. I hate them!”
Roshelle, who has herself been cheated on in all three relationships she had been in has taken another stance.
“If they can do it I can do it. And I have no guilt in cheating on my husband,” she said. “He knew what I went through in my two previous relationships. When I met him I told him what I expected and what I didn’t expect. I have had enough cheating to last me a lifetime. I had my self-esteem taken from me more than once. Then when I was mentally and emotionally picking myself up I met him. Three years into our marriage I found he was cheating too. That was it. I made him aware that I knew about it and as usual, as they always do, he apologized broke it off with her – but moved on to another woman. I didn’t make him any wiser. I just started playing the field too. Now I feel nothing.”
Those are a few women’s stories. However, there are millions of women worldwide who have been cheated on and who have had their lives changed as a result.
However, studies show that 70 percent of couples stay together after an affair is discovered.
In a 2018 study conducted and published by Secure Forensics https://www.secureforensics.com/blog/statistics-on-cheaters-infidelity, it was
discovered that if someone cheated before, there is a 350 percent chance that they will cheat again, compared to those who have never cheated. In the same study that states that cheaters will cheat again, they found that those who have been cheated on will most likely be cheated on again.
The study also showed that revenge infidelity accounts for 9 percent of cheating behavior; 36 percent of cheaters have affairs with their coworkers; 22 percent of men have cheated on their significant other, and 14 percent of women have cheated on their significant other.
But how does cheating affect women in general?
1. Low Self Esteem
This is one of the most common characteristics of cheating. Women always seem to develop a low self-esteem as a result. Low self-esteem is a lack of confidence that causes one to feel negative about themselves. People with low self-esteem often feel that they are not good enough and that something is wrong with them. Women who develop low self-esteem after a spouse has cheated blames themselves for the man going outside the relationship as they feel if they were good enough for him he would not have had the need to go outside the union. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Cheating is a choice, and he chose to do that.
Fortunately, after a relationship has been restored or if she chooses to leave her cheating husband, it takes some time, but her self-esteem can be restored. This comes about by her constant affirmation of herself and telling herself she is all that and a bag of chips! that nothing is wrong with her, and if anyone thinks otherwise they can go jump over a cliff! Also, the more she is complemented by friends and family about the wonderful person she is the more her self-esteem develops.
-
Loneliness
With cheating comes a deep-rooted feeling of loneliness. Usually, this is a result of the detachment she feels from her partner because the cheating has left a deep void inside. After sharing intimacy with someone it is hard to not feel a sense of emptiness when that intimacy is taken away. The loneliness also comes because she goes into a state of withdrawal and do not want to be around family and friends but just want to be by yourself. Most women cheated on suffer from this.
-
Insecurities
With low self-esteem comes a high level of insecurity, meaning she will feel anxious and uncertain. These anxieties can even result in panic attacks where she feels like she cannot breathe and is literally gasping for air. This sometimes results in medical assistance being sought. Steady relationships are made up of a secure foundation and a sense that her partner will protect her against all odds. After the cheating, she no longer feels protected but is left feeling quite vulnerable.
-
Lack of trust
She no longer trusts. Not only will she not trust the man who betrayed her, but stops trusting just about any male she comes in contact with. She will keep asking herself – if she could not trust the one person who knew her inside and out, how can she trust anyone else? If he said he loved her and hurt her so badly, why wouldn’t other men do the same? After her trust has been shattered, it will take years to rebuild – if ever.
-
Lack of sexual attraction
Women are emotional beings who will have sex with their minds. The better she is treated and the more loved and secure she feels, the more she will give of herself sexually, and the more she will want to receive from her partner. Thus when trust his broken, when she no longer feels loved and appreciated a number of women find that their libido is nonexistent or very low. This is very natural. This can be a tricky one though, as some women will deliberately go overboard to satisfy their cheating partner sexually while telling themselves this was where they failed in the first place so if they can satisfy him in bed even more, then she may win him back. This obviously not true. She may do her best to pretend that she is enjoying it – faking it until she makes it, but really and truly all she can see are images of her partner and the other woman in bed together which hurts her even more during the act. While some women are good at this pretense, others refuse to be a part of this act.
-
Depression
With cheating comes depression. This strikes the woman as if she just lost someone to death. Sometimes her state of depression is so great that she literally cannot carry out her everyday routine. Some women suffer from mild depression, while others go through severe depression to the point where they have to seek counseling and placed on medication to help them to cope. She usually loses her appetite, loses her energy, loses the desire to take care of her personal hygiene, and sometimes loses her desire to live.
-
Fear
Then there is the fear of not getting her partner back, of not being able to survive the pain, of losing her family, of losing what they may have built together, and even fear of facing tomorrow.
Experts Say:
Anthony L Gordon, career educator and family counsellor, who over the last 35 years has distinguished himself in the field of family life education and counselling said for a relationship to be lasting and healthy, it must be anchored in a healthy state of mind of the parties engaged in the relationship. He said honesty; open communication of words and feelings; and sincere commitment and loyalty must exist. and that spouses need to share just about everything unreservedly and uninhibitedly with each other.
“cheating in a relationship is a choice, a decision of the mind that the individual makes, and no one else should be expected to share that responsibility with them,” Gordon said. “It is understood that there might be unhealthy situations in a marriage that could be very disheartening to the husband, and the wife might or might not be aware of it. Both should seek to identify and address such situations together. She should therefore begin with some personal, wifely introspection, and if she truly loves him, check to see what issues there might be between them, maybe even coming from her, that might be impacting him negatively. Remember, these at no time will exonerate him of his unfaithfulness. Try to engage him in a heart-to heart sharing of the feelings and the desire for the relationship to work.”
Women are encourged to seek professional counseling to help them get pass the hurt, and if she decides to stay in the relationship, both should recieve indivivial as well as couples couselling.