Jodi, a 36-year-old Canadian has been married to a Jamaican born for six-years. Jodi said since then she has been having nothing but problems and has now moved out of the home with her five-year-old daughter. Now she is unsure whether or not to take her husband back or file for a divorce.
Jodi said she met her husband eight years ago while on a trip to Jamaica. He was very considerate, very loving, and being in his company made her feel right at home. Afterward, they would communicate just about every night and soon grew very close despite the distance. She would visit Jamaica two or three times per year to spend time with him as he would take time off from his job to be with her.
After they got married and he moved to Canada, Jodi said he was a changed man.
“Maybe he didn’t change but I did not see that part of him before. He hid it very well,” the distraught wife explained. “I did not know that he knew so many Jamaicans here in Canada and so a few months after coming here he started staying out a lot, sometimes all night. He became very disrespectful and threatening and started calling me all sorts of names in front of our daughter.”
Jodi said almost a year later she suspected he was having an affair based on his attitude towards her – he refused to touch her, he no longer ate the meals she prepared, and would have a car pick him up from their home on a regular basis. When he was questioned, she said he became boisterous and threatened to harm her if she didn’t shut up.
After a year and a half, Jodi said she received a call from a woman telling her that the only reason her husband was with her was so that he could migrate to Canada to be with her and not Jodi, and that she was pregnant with his child.
“I was confused, I was angry, I was numb, I went through all the emotions a woman could go through while I was listening to her,” Jodi said. “I didn’t say anything, I just asked why she was calling me and asked her not to call my phone again. But deep down I knew what she was saying was true. All the signs were there. I never felt so stupid and used in all my life. I didn’t even have to ask why he married me because she already told me. The only question I had was why would he plan for us to have a child when he knew his plan all along?”
She said she was so numb and out of it that all she could do was sat staring through the window. She was not even aware when he walked through the door that night. She felt defeated.
But then the weirdest thing happened. He walked over to her knelt in front of her held her hands and began to apologize. Explaining that he knew she got a call from someone and that whatever she was told was not true. He explained that the woman who called have been wanting to get involved with him and because he refused, she decided to exact her revenge on him. He explained that she must have got her number from his phone when he was hanging out with some of his friends at a party, he had gone to some weeks ago. He said he knew of the conversation because after calling her the woman in question called him and told him what she had done, telling him that for sure his wife would leave him, so he won’t have any excuse for not wanting to be with her instead.
“I don’t know why but I believed him,” Jodi said. “He seemed so sincere and honest. He was the way I remembered years ago when we met. He even acknowledged that he had not been treating me the way I deserved and promised to make it up to me.”
Jodi said after that they became close again and he would take her out when he went to visit with his friends and started spending time with their daughter.
About four months later she said she was in the grocery store with her daughter when a woman walked up to her smiling. She introduced herself and said, “meet your stepdaughter,” in reference to the young baby she was pushing in a stroller. I think she saw the shock on my face and asked, “You didn’t know? Joseph said he told you and that you had forgiven him and said you wanted your daughter to meet her new baby sister. He said you were no longer together, but you were still living there until you find somewhere to move to.”
“I stood there just staring at her,” Jodi said. “I cannot tell you what happened next or how I was able to drive home. But I did. I felt as if someone had physically stabbed me in the heart. When I walked through the door all I wanted to do was grab my things and run. He was home. But it was my daughter who told him that she met her little baby sister. He just stood there, trying to find something to say but all that came out was “where?”
Fast forward today, almost a year with many apologies and counseling sessions later Jodi is torn as to whether or not to take back her lying cheating husband.
So, should Jodi or anyone who has been in similar situations take back their ex?
The experts say…
Before Jodi can think about taking her ex back the advice from one counselor is to first forgive him.
“Forgiveness benefits you more than the one who is forgiven. You may even discover an inner strength you never knew you had, that allows you to deal with the situation with a smile rather than in pain,” Jamaican life coach Cheryll Messam said. “You will feel a sense of freedom to move forward with your life, especially moving forward in a new relationship. The more you hold resentment towards your ex, the more you will be stuck in the past instead of creating a new future for yourself.”
Anthony L Gordon, career educator, and family counselor endorsed Messam’s theory on forgiveness.
“Forgiveness is always the healthiest way to deal with transgressions against the person. When you forgive, you are the first beneficiary, because your mind finds rest and calm from the situation that has caused you pain and hurt,” he said.
However, he explained that forgiving him does not mean that you are condoning your husband’s behavior.
So now that you have forgiven him should you take him back?
That decision for Jodi and anyone who has been in a similar situation would ultimately be left up to her. This will be based on:
- Having gone through months of counseling and seeing actual progress in his attitude toward you over time. Along with individual counseling or both parties involved.
- If he has begun to be completely honest and transparent about his infidelity.
- If he has severed all ties with the child’s mother while making an open arrangement with his spouse on how he would best spend time ad contribute to the child’s upbringing.
- If Jodi or others in the situation are able to live with an outside child which now becomes a constant reminder of his indiscretions.
- If she feels her life is better for having him in it despite all they have gone through.
- If he is patient and has answered and is willing to answer all her questions thus giving her closure and helping in rebuilding trust.
- Make sure getting back together is what you really want and that you have both decided to work through the rebuilding stages together. However, ensure that you are not getting back together with him because you feel pity for him based on the number of apologies and sad stories you receive in his efforts to win you back. Do so because YOU want to.
Gordon, who is also a researcher and writer specializing in marriage, parenting, and human sexuality said unfortunately, not all troubled, sick cases will experience healing and recovery.
“While I do not advocate separation and divorce as easy options out, I do not at the same time advocate a life of misery.”
Breaking up is never easy, especially when you are in a relationship for a long time. Stuff happens and for whatever reason emotions run wild and before you know it, words are said and you are both going your separate ways! Still, for many lovers, there is the lingering doubt on whether the relationship had to end, with it comes to the question of whether you were too hasty or should you take your ex back.
Your score will depend on whether you should take your ex back, or let the embers burn out.
Is your ex still taking up all your thoughts?
a. No
b. Yes!
c. Now and again
Are you tempted to take up the phone and call too many times for comfort?
a. Not really
b. Oh Lord, yes!
c. No
When you think of the issues that you were arguing over you…
a. Still a bit peeved
b. Think it is silly now
c. Get upset all over again
Now that you have called it quits do you feel….
a. Kind of sad
b. Really lonely and missing him
c. Like a burden lifted
Has your ex reached out to you…
a. Sent a message on Facebook messenger didn’t respond
b. Yes
c. Don’t know blocked the number
When you mention your ex to your trusted friends they…
a. Sympathize
b. Tell you they think you should reconsider
c. Tell you, you sure dodged a bullet!
Score:
If you got mostly ‘A’s it wouldn’t hurt to see your ex once more – just to make sure you have gotten them out of your system. You wouldn’t want to move on to another relationship with unfinished business, would you?!
Mostly ‘B’s – Who are you both kidding?! Just sink your stubborn pride and reach out. You know you both want to. The fire is as hot as ever and just waiting to set ablaze. Sorry will make it right, so what are you waiting for?
Mostly ‘C’s – How do we say ‘next!’ that one is dead and waiting to be buried. There is nothing there, you might as well go your separate ways and live your lives. Why prolong the torture…there is just no looking back where this one is concerned. Have a nice life!
Please note: While this quiz is a guide on what your next step can be, it is not a foolproof plan. Therefore, follow your heart!