THERE are only two options available after you have discovered that your husband had cheated and got another woman pregnant – stay with him for better or worse, or leave his sorry state with the other woman and their bastard child!
“Every situation is unique and it all depends on the woman and how she can cope with the situation that has been forced upon her by her husband,” counseling psychologist Sandrine Meirwood said. “Some wives will choose to accept things but this acceptance comes after the man confessed his deeds and is utterly remorseful of his actions and she is at a point of forgiving him.”
Meirwood noted that getting to the point of acceptance is never easy, as a result, some women survive and stay while others feel leaving him is their best and sometimes only option if they are to remain sane.
Some Women Stay After Finding Out About Their Husband’s Outside Child, Others Leave 
One woman who had been married for 21 years, found out her husband had an outside child.
She said for years they had been trying for a child, but without success. Doctors informed her that she might never be able to get pregnant.
The baby boy was a year and a half when she found out. Her husband said he was no longer intimate with the child’s mother but wanted the child to live with him. She was devastated.
She said she could not accept the fact that he had been with someone else, moreover to accept his child. He decided to give the boy to his parents to care for.
But despite this, many times she said, she felt as if her life was pointless and thought of suicide. She stopped eating, stopped functioning, and sat up at nights staring through a window. Her husband tried to get her to eat and sleep and constantly apologized for his actions, but nothing seemed to help. After a few months, she left him and moved out.
Not Every Wife Is Able To Cope With Their Husband’s Outside Child
Finding out your spouse has another woman, coupled with an outside child is very devastating for just about any woman. The wife feels betrayed and feels her partner had been deceptive throughout the duration of their marriage. Trust is now completely lost.
When this situation occurs, there is just no escape from the pain. So the woman will now have to seek divine help and support from family and friends along with counseling.
This forces her into a process of grief.
The first reaction is denial – she will wonder if she is having a bad dream. After the initial reaction, comes anger, because she feels he has broken the commitment that they made. This is followed by self-blame.
She now begins to ask herself, ‘Where did I go wrong? Was I not woman enough?’ etc. Gradually her self esteem gets low and depression sets in.
But how she deals with the situation will also depend on her standing in society. She may feel ashamed and embarrassed and wonders if she can live through it.
Some Women Feel Ashamed and Embarrassed Ater Finding Out About Their Husband’s Outside Child
“The girl broke the news to me herself,” Rosie, another Jamaican woman shared. “Apparently she was upset with my boyfriend and decided to tell me what was going on. At first, it was like I was outside of my body listening to her tell me that they had been having an affair and how she had recently had his child (my boyfriend and I had been living together for eight years).
“She went into quite a long story, but I did not hear most of it, because I went completely numb. The worst part of the shock was that she was not a stranger. I could not get past the shock of how utterly and completely I had been betrayed. She would come to the house and I would even braid her hair. How could I have missed the signs? But then, when I really thought about it, there were no signs. Such was the nature of his deception.”
After the confession from the other woman, Rosie said nothing to her boyfriend for days.
“He knew something was up because my behavior had changed. I had become withdrawn, still trying to absorb the terrible news. Finally, I lashed out and we had many, many, heated bitter arguments. I was sure this was the end of our relationship, but after being with someone and loving that person for eight years, it was easier to stay than to break up.
Some men Will Confess Their Unfaithfulness To Their Wives
“This may sound a little stupid, after what he did, but in general, he was a good person, so it’s not as if he was womanizing, abusive, or a disrespectful person. If that was the case, I guess I would have been out the door. But when I weighed the pros and the cons, I decided to try and work things out,” Rosie said.
What To Do After Finding Out He Has Cheated and Got Another Woman Pregnant
Rosie agreed with Meirwood that how her partner responded to her was a big determinant of whether to stayed or left.
“He seemed honest and apologetic, He told me it was a mistake and that it was not because something was wrong with me why he went with her. I think this is what helped me to decide what to do. He allowed me to be angry, and he watched me cried, he hugged me and comforted me, and after the initial stages of arguing we actually talked seriously about it — why it happened, how it happened, and how we both wanted to be involved with the child,” she explained. “For a few months, even though we were going to counseling, deep down I felt like we were not going to make it like I was wasting my time,” Rosie admitted. “But gradually, I saw a positive turn-around in the relationship. Things are not perfect, but I think the counseling has helped us to understand each other, not just as partners, but as individuals.”
Couples Should Discuss What They Want To Do After Finding Out About The Ouside Child
But there are still moments of doubt, doubt that she admits may never go away.
“There can be no justification for doing something like that to someone who trusted you so completely, not to mention that you risk not just the person’s happiness, but their health and their lives as well,” she said.
“The fact that she had a child for him meant they were having unprotected sex. That was VERY hard to face. I still have my reservations and my moments of quiet anguish when I think about what happened and how there was no absolute guarantee that he would ever be faithful to me again. But then again, nothing in life is guaranteed and I think despite everything, we do have a good relationship and it is worth saving.”
Regarding the child, she added: “I have not yet met the child, as I do not feel that I am emotionally ready to deal with that. This is nothing against the child, but I am not obligated to put myself in a position to be forced to deal with that situation, so I am taking it one day at a time. If I intend to stay in this relationship, I am sure I will have to face that reality at some point, but for now, I am dealing with it my way. That aside, I would never dream of trying to come between him and his flesh and blood or try to keep him away from the child.”
Some Women Will Grow the Outside Child After Discovering Her Husband’s Unfaithfulness
And in the long run, it’s about regaining trust and moving ahead.
“According to him, their fling ended long before she even came to me, and as far as I know there is no relationship between them now, except for anything having to do with the child,” Rosie said. “That is another tough part of the trust issue. I have to tell myself and believe it, that there is nothing between them. It’s either that or go mad thinking about the possibility.”
Accepting The Outside Child
In reality, some wives will even encourage the men to look after the child. But the man has to agree to terminate the relationship with the girlfriend. Some husbands even pool their wives in and take them along whenever they are going to deliver money or gifts for the child and will have the child over for weekends. Some wives will even talk to the girlfriend regarding the child.
It really takes time because it is a painful process. Sometimes, it takes a miracle, hard work, and forgiveness for things to be a semblance of what they were before.
It Takes Time For Wives To Accept Their Husband’s Outside Child
After this type of revelation, some women will ‘make do’ with the relationship as their own children may be involved; she may be financially dependent on him, or she may have grown to love him over the many years that they had been together.
But it is not very often that husbands leave their wives or the woman they are living with for the girlfriend as they like the security and familiarity that home provides, but some do “flee the home as they are fascinated by their ‘plaything’ (outside girlfriend), especially if the marriage is like a duty and their romantic needs are not being met.
To encourage the man not to flee, as sometimes happen when they are unable to deal with the wife’s emotions, women are encouraged to vent their emotions without allowing home to be a battlefield, and this is why counseling is recommended. A lot of husbands think once they go out they would have been happier – but normally this is the beginning of hell for them.
Couples Can Begin Afresh After The Husband’s Outside Child
Some husbands even go through the state of being suicidal after seeing the pain they have caused their wives and sometimes children.
This leads some men to drink, smoke, and hang out with their friends – just so they will not face the reality of the situation at home. Some men actually wanted their wives to be happy and so they too go through an emotional turmoil. But most times they will try to hide their feelings.
On the other hand, some women will look at things differently, see where they went wrong and thus their relationship can be the beginning of growth and development. Again, this will be greatly dependent on how the man reacts to his wife’s grief and questions.