A number of people chose to remain friends after a breakup. However, while this may be a mutual arrangement that works well for some couples, for others it is near impossible. Being friends will be dependent on how long you dated and why you broke up, to begin with. It also depends on the reason behind the need to remain friends. While this choice may seem like a good idea it can bring with it a number of complications. So before you agree to be friends with your ex, first find out why they want this of you. Here are some reasons why your ex would want to remain friends after a breakup.
Why Your Ex Wants To Be Friends After A Breakup
He wants you as a backup plan
Sometimes the reason they want to be friends with you is to keep you as a backup plan. In other words, if the relationship with whoever they really want to date, or who they left you for does not work out then getting back with you will be simple and easy since you are already in the picture. This will not work out well for you as you are definitely not their first option no matter how they sugar-coat the reason they have reeled you back into an intimate relationship. This would only last until the next time they see someone else they want to date, then you will break up again and become friends… and the cycle will continue.
Your Ex Wants You As A Backup Plan
He wants you for sex
You had a great sex life and he doesn’t want to let go of that. So while he has broken up with you, when he remembers how great the sex was he may desire to reach out to you with the proposal of being friends but doesn’t want the responsibly that comes with a relationship. Sleeping with him will make it impossible to get over him and will not work well for you. Don’t be tempted to keep having sex with him with the typical excuse that ‘it’s just sex’. Sex is never just sex. Sex is a connection of body, soul, and mind. And while men can have sex while their emotions are detached from the woman, a woman has sex with her emotions — with her mind. As a result, there are always feelings involved when it comes to having sex. Thus the reason a woman is hurt after sleeping with a man and not hearing from him for weeks afterward.
He wants to control you
Sometimes the desire to control is the driving force behind why your ex wants to be friends with you. As a result, he can control what you do and who you do it with. Don’t be surprised if you start dating someone but is never able to actually go on any of those dates as each time you mention it to him something urgent comes up that he ‘needs’ you to help him with.
Your Ex Wants To Control You
He Genuinely wants to ensure that you are ok after the breakup
Sometimes your ex’s intentions are genuine. He knows how much the break up affects you and wants to ensure that you are doing ok. He wants to be able to check in on you from time to time and do whatever he can to make the transition as easy for you as possible because he cares about you.
You are a good advisor/listener
They like getting your opinion on decisions and feel it was your sound counsel over the years that have made them into the type of person they are today. As a result, they may still want to have you in their corner even though your relationship may not have worked out.
Advantages Of Being Friends With Your Ex After A Breakup
The advantage of having your ex as a friend may only work if you were dating for a short time — a few weeks maybe — and realized that you serve each other better as friends without any intimacy. You can also be friends if you have broken up for years and have both moved on with your lives and the flame between you has long burnt out.
Friend qualities
You may have both accepted that being friends is more advantageous as you have no romantic feeling towards each other anymore but are instead comfortable being yourselves when you are together. You can laugh, pass wind and blech as loudly as you want around each other and finds it hilarious. You realize that though you did not work out as lovers that you find them trustworthy, dependable, and helpful — qualities you cherish in a friend.
There Are Advantages To Having Your Ex Has A Friend
They know you more than anyone else
One advantage of remaining friends with your ex is that they know you more than anyone else. You had a long term relationship in which they saw you at your very best and at your very worst. They know how to deal with you on all accounts. Thus remaining friends maybe to both your advantage.
Provides closure
Being friends with your ex eliminates the possibility of not having closure from the breakup. Remaining friends means that you would have spoken about everything in your relationship that went wrong and can now move on with clarity. This eliminates the damages of self-esteem, the depression that doesn’t seem to go away, and even the desire to keep a track of your ex behind their backs. However, this type of friendship can only be reached if both persons no longer harbor feelings of intimacy and physical attraction.
Your Ex Knows You More Than Anyone Else
Disadvantages Of Being Friends With Your Ex After A Breakup
Remaining friends with an ex affects everyone differently. At the end of the day do not feel pressured to be friends with your ex simply because they ask you to. In fact, it is one of the hardest things they could ask of you. Ex simply means one that formerly held a specified position or place. The operative word there is ‘formerly’. So if they no longer hold that special position in your life you are not entitled to be friends. There are a number of disadvantages to remaining friends with your ex. Some of these are:
A constant reminder of betrayal
Having your ex in your life can be a constant reminder. A reminder that they cheated on you (if this the reason for the breakup), a reminder that you may have failed as a partner, a reminder of the good times you shared, a reminder that they now belong to someone else, a reminder that you are still madly in love with them… and the list goes on. Things you may rightly want to put behind you. Having them around does not afford you the privilege of doing so. In fact, the anger and hurt you feel may be of such that though you decide to be friends, you are constantly at odds with each other.
Being friends With Your Ex Is A Constant Reminder Of Betrayal
Does not allow you time to grieve
You are no longer together as a couple. You miss the relationship you had. But now you have been reduced to hearing him talk about his new conquest; having to take pictures of him and her after he invited you out (and you foolishly thought it would just be you and him to discuss getting back together, but it was to surprise you with the introduction to her), and to hear him introduce you as ‘his friend’. Now he calls to find out how you are doing, ask if you want to double date with them, and text to ask about something that he is trying to remember while in the middle of telling the new girlfriend a story. You broke up but this constant intrusion in your life is not allowing you to cut all ties and grieve the way you know you should. Instead, being their friend is as hurtful as the day he broke up with you.
Not able to move on
If you become friends with your ex you cannot move on with your personal life. You still think about the two of you together and each time you see them they look so darn fine you just want to snuggle up in their arms. Every time your phone rings and you realize they are the one on the other line you hope this is the day when they will tell you that they have come to their senses and want back what you once had. You need to cut all ties and move on with your life. Hanging on will not get you back together. If you want him back see Will He Miss Me If I Leave Him Alone? — The Cold Truth!
If You Are Friends With Your Ex You May Not Be Able To Move On
Jealousy will be part of your daily routine
If you decide to be friends with your ex, be assured that you will try to fight off jealousy on a regular basis. Think about seeing them with someone else. About sitting on the phone with them for hours listening to them talk about how great their new girlfriend is, and what that girlfriend did for their birthday. Think about checking out their social media and seeing pictures of them laughing in each other’s eyes while the photos they had of you were deleted. If you decide to be their friend, remember that you will constantly suffer jealousy. Are you prepared?
Their spouse may be uncomfortable with your friendship
Not every new partner is comfortable with having their spouse remain friends with their ex. many stories are out there of someone getting back together with their ex, or leaving their partner to spend quality time with the ex, or getting their ex pregnant — even though they were only ‘friends’. As a result, being friends with your ex can lead to numerous arguments in the household. So unless you are willing to be a homewrecker then it is better to turn down your ex’s offer to be friends.
Your Ex’s Spouse May Be Uncomfortable With Your Friendship
When Is It Ok To Be Friends with Your Ex
- If you dated a few times and realized that you have no chemistry but likes spending time together, it is ok to be friends.
- If you have broken up but have both moved on with your lives with no underlying romantic feelings on either side, then it is ok to be friends.
- If you are both married to someone else and the flames have long died between you, then you can be friends.
- If your spouse trusts you and is comfortable with having your ex as part of BOTH your lives then you can be friends.
However, if there are still some underlining sexual tensions or lingering attractions, even though you may have broken up years ago, do not tell yourself that it will be ok to be friends and hang out with each other especially if one or both of you already has a steady relationship — it will not!