It is no secret that money has torn many relationships apart. There are damning stories worldwide on the effect money has had on unions when there is not an equal contribution by one or both parties in the everyday running of the home. We also hear of the impact on relationships when one person’s finances are used to support another family unknown to the other spouse, or even when one person is forced to do all the household financing while the other party is tightfisted.
The stories below are just a couple of examples.
“I left my husband because I found out he was supporting another family other than me and my 3 children,” Kathrine, who lives in the Cayman Islands said. “I have worked in the health sector for almost 21 years, shortly after I left college. I am a registered midwife. He worked in the bauxite industry so together we had enough money each month to take care of the mortgage, monthly bills, send the kids to school, make the car payments, and things like that. I would say we had a reasonably comfortable life because I also invested in partners (a partnership among people to save collectively) from time to time. But the reason it was able to work was that we would put our money together each month and calculated what needed to be paid, what went to the grocery, what went into savings, and so on,” she explained.
Money Can Tear Families Apart
“Because of my job since I am often on call I wouldn’t say that I’m always home being the perfect wife. But my husband understood how my job works and I understand how his works. But the one thing we were always good at is planning.”
Katherine said it all started when she noticed their savings were going down rather than up no matter how much she deposited. When she confronted her husband he always had some story about the car needing parts, or repairs to the house — that she never saw, or some outstanding bills that needed to be paid. She said she also realized that he was rarely giving money toward the running of the house anymore and within a year all the responsibilities fell on her shoulders.
But it wasn’t until she was placed on full days off for about a month that she realized he was not coming home some nights. This got her suspicious and so she started her own investigation. She searched his cell and followed him when he claimed to be running errands. Thus she discovered his affair, a woman with a young child. Katherine did not say anything to her husband for weeks until she had concrete evidence that he was really involved with her.
She said one day she ‘accidentally’ bumped into the woman at the nail salon and started up a ‘casual friendly’ conversation with her. An hour later, Katherine had confirmed the woman was involved with her husband who had been a ‘very wonderful man’ taking care of her and her child since the child’s father had abandoned her while she was pregnant. The child was almost four years old.
Katherine could not believe she had missed this for over three years. And realized this was in fact when her husband started placing more financial responsibilities on her until she was the sole person footing the bills. She confronted her husband.
Today, two years later they are in the middle of a divorce.
Lack of Money Management Can Lead To Divorce
*Paula, who is Islamic shared her story with Your Love Bumps on how money is affecting her marriage.
“My husband was not a very good man. He only gave me money whenever he wanted sex. It was as if I was a mut’a [prostitute] and he was buying sex from me. If I was not willing to have sex for whatever reason he would not give money for the bills or for the children,” Paula explained.
“I was working before we got married. But when we got married 23 years ago he told me to give up my job, that he would take care of me. He was a kind man then. He would give me everything to make sure I was happy. But after I gave up my job and got married he stopped giving me money. Now he would only give money to pay some of the bills and others would leave unpaid because I had no money of my own. I said, let me go back to work so I can help to pay bills. But he said no. He said no wife of his was going to be working because it was a man’s job to take care of his wife and take care of his household. It is an outdated tradition in our culture but some people still live by it.
Many Relationships Have Been Destroyed Over Money
He said this month we pay this bill and next month we pay that bill. But the bill collectors didn’t see it that way, they want their money every month. I told my husband, I said we have to pay the bills, we have to eat food. He said don’t worry, I will take care of it. But they come and cut the light. For many months we in dark. No light. But he still said no. I cannot work, he will do it. I said give me money, I will pay the bills. So he gave me some money but it could not pay the bills. Money too small.
Buy my husband was working a good job. He got paid big money. But he did not want to part with it. I was mad. I said I could be helping out and he was having me in a bad position. After our first child, I said again, let me go work. He said he never wanted to hear me talk about work again. My place was to stay home and take care of our son, run the house, and make sure husband was wanting for nothing. I was not happy.
After the baby, he stopped giving the money to me. He said he would go pay the bills. I should stay at home. When I asked if he had paid he said yes. but a week later light cut again. no light. me and baby in the dark. No water. Water cut. Did not pay the bill. We live in small village. I had to go for water in bucket for baby. Husband not kind. He gets mad when I talk about the hard life. He said I was better than many women, that I was not grateful. But husband gets water at work. Husband has a light at work. Me and baby we got none. Some nights he would not come home. He said he had to stay at work. Me and my son would be home in the dark alone.
The Better Money Manager Should Be In Charge of Money In the Household
When husband comes he wants sex. I told him no sex. I was mad. He said I was his wife that I had no choice. He said he would give me money if had sex. Money to pay the light. So I had sex. He put the money down and I took it. I go pay bill.
I talked with my family. Told them I was leaving. They said I could not leave. That I have a commitment to my husband to stay and take care of him. So I stayed. I have three children. But I am not happy.
Paula explained that in Islam culture it is agreed that it is obligatory for husbands to spend on their wives. And it was the wife’s duty to make herself available to her husband. If she refuses him or rebels, then she is not entitled to his money.
“I was available to him since we got married. But he was not kind. I got no money to spend. So I rebel. Marriage contract says he has to spend on me because I am only available to him. I cannot take money from anyone else. He spends on me and I make him happy husband. It is his duty to spend on me. My duty to pleasure him. He doesn’t provide for me, I don’t bring him pleasure. He doesn’t take care of my children, I don’t take care of husband. I am not happy.”
Some Men Refuse to Give Women Money To Run the Home
Experts say:
Psychologist Dr. Leachim Semaj said it is a common situation in some cultures for men to have two or three families that sometimes only literally meet over his dead body at his funeral.
“Some wives find out about it and kind of grudgingly go along with it. Others find out and throw out his things. Those are the realities,” Semaj said.
“Most men will end up not admitting to this and will take this to their graves.
Semaj said when the wife meets the ‘other family’ at the man’s funeral, the situation is worse for her, as not having him there to give her closure, she will now have to evaluate her entire life with him as being a lie.
Dr. Semaj said many men will choose to keep silent because they fear their wives’ reactions.
Some Men Support An Outside Family Unknown To His Wife
Counseling Psychologist Sandrine Meirwood said a number of outside women have benefitted from the money that rightfully belongs to the wife whom he has promised to care for better or worst, while the wife is left in lack.
“It really is an unfair situation that some men simply cannot grasp until their marriage is destroyed,” she said. “And even then they blame the wife for not being attentive to their needs and citing that as the reason they go outside of the marriage taking their money with them. But a lot of times taking their money outside the marriage is the reason the wife is not attentive to their needs.”
Steps to take to ensure that money does not tear your marriage apart:
- From day one decide how both your salaries will be spent, if you are both receiving a salary. Decide who will pay what bill and how much each person will contribute. Once this is done stick to it. If one person falls short the other person should hold them accountable, meaning find out why this was not forthcoming and encourage that it be done, unless not paying is agreed on by both persons. Then you can decide how you will move forward come next month.
- Some couples will pool money together in a joint account that the bills are paid from. This is ideal as it will eliminate the possibility of one person not being forthcoming and each will hold the other accountable.
Money Does Not Have To Destroy Your Relationship
- Not everyone will want to have a joint account. In this case, the money for the running of the household should be given to the better finance manager. In other words, the person who is less thrifty with money and who is more likely to ensure that the bills are physically paid, that the mortgage/rent is paid up, groceries are bought, kids are taken care of, etc.
- For couples who chose to keep their finances separate see https://www.thebalance.com/how-to-split-expenses-as-a-couple.
- Some couples may take the approach that each one will take care of their own finances. This can never work out and will only lead to disaster. If you are married then you ought to think as a couple, meaning it is no longer about one person, it’s about two. Money management is no different. It is a discussion that must be had. If one person makes more than the other then it is only fair that that person would foot more of the bills than the other in order for both to come out on top. Otherwise, money can cause as great stress as cheating and can have the same end result —Divorce!