Every year thousands of women migrate to another country to be with their new spouses with the notion of beginning their lives as husband and wife. A number of these women after giving up their dream jobs, selling their homes, leaving their friends and family – lives as they know it, finds themselves living in hell as their experience quickly turned into a horror story.
A number of these women, new to the environment, with no friends or family to turn to, are sometimes put out on the streets by their spouses, forced into women shelters or unwilling moving back to their countries to face embarrassing questions and to start their lives all over again from scratch.
Two Women Share Their Stories
Rachael was a tutor at a community college in Jamaica. She owned her own home, her own car and having two children from a previous relationship, felt the only thing missing was a loving, trustworthy partner to share her life with and to be a father to her teen son and 11-year-old daughter.
The only issue Rachel had was that she had been physically and emotionally abused in her previous relationship and so she steered clear of any advances from those wanting more than just platonic friendship. In fact, at one point she felt she hated men and wanted nothing to do with them based on her experience from a 13 year-long marriage. Not only was her ex physically and verbally abusive but was controlling to the point where she could not go out with friends and could not keep a cell phone. He was obsessively jealous and was not afraid to show is anger towards her in public, and soon began to take it out on their kids. Thus she swore never to get involved again.
After 5 years of being single, still having no intention of getting involved, Rachael reconnected with an old school mate who had been living in Canada for over 20 years. He had found her through social media and they began to communicate. A year later they were planning life together.
“I was so happy! I never imagined happiness was possible after my marriage ended but I was!” She recalled. “He was everything I ever dreamed of in a man plus tax.”
They would spend countless hours on the phone and he would ensure that both herself and her kids were well taken care of. He made it clear to her that they were now his life and he wanted nothing more than to marry her especially since he had been living alone in Canada for the last nine years after the separation of his last relationship. Based on all that he told her; the fact that she could call him any time of the night or day and he would be available; the way he went out of his way to take care of her and her children and his visits to Jamaica to meet her parents, her kids and her friends, she developed a deep connection and found a sense of comfort in him. He totally destroyed her belief of how horrible men – especially Jamaican men were, and she regained trust all over again. For her, he was a God sent and there could not have been a more genuine, transparent and sincere person in existence. She completely trusted him and believed he was different from any other male she ever met. She believed that because he was living in a different country for so long – fresh out of high school – that he was socialized differently and was not of the notion that the having more than one woman at a time made you a ‘don’. He soon became her life.
As a result, Rachel was excited and more than willing to give up her job that she loved so much and has been doing for nine years. In 2017 she gave up her home, sold her vehicle, gave up her friends and family and migrated to Canada with her 2 kids.
Things went well for three months. She felt as if she was living the life she always wanted. Then her life turned into nothing short of a nightmare. She found out he had been living with another woman for the 3 years he had been courting her and that the day he went to Jamaica to marry her this was the woman who dropped him at the airport, kissed him good bye all the while thinking he was going down to a friend’s wedding. Rachael soon discovered that his house, the property tax, and his two vehicles all had her as part owner and that her vehicle and a home she had bought for her and her kids were in his name. Rachael could add her name to nothing. And so the confrontations and arguments began. It was a year after he was married and shortly before Rachel was expected to move to Canada, that the woman was forced by Rachel’s husband to move out over some trivial matter. Not knowing this was his way of preparing the way for his new wife. Racheal later discovered that for the 4 years they lived together that the woman thought for sure they would be married someday.
Even after moving out hover, they still continued a romantic relationship. It wasn’t until 3 years after being married to Rachel that the woman was informed – by Rachel herself. She too became a causality of his devious plot. Rachael discovered that her husband was a serial cheater who had slept and was sleeping with any woman willing to open their legs to him.
Six month later, and 16 pounds lighter, Racheal decided she could not do this anymore. She began to seek avenues on how to get out. But being in a new country with no idea how the system worked she set about seeking help.
During all this they both decided on counseling, but during the counseling period she discovered there were more woman in and out his bed and more things coming to light than she could ever imagine. Within a year she knew of eight women that he had a committed relationship with while married to her. She felt devastated, angry, abused, mistreated, defeated and lost her self esteem. She felt she had nothing to hold on to except the knowledge that she had to stay strong for her children. Frustrated by the recurring events and seeing Rachel and her husband coming back time and again after a new woman came into the picture, the counsellor they were seeing gave Rachael the number to the Women’s Centre and advised her to get a divorce as despite his claims to do better it was obvious his behavior was never going to end and that he was nothing more than a serial cheater.
Thirty-seven year old Natasha had a similar experience after leaving Jamaica to start a life with her husband in the United States four years ago. They had been together since high school and it was no surprise to anyone in her community when he came back from the states to marry her.
“He was the only man I ever had in my life and the only man I ever slept with,” Natasha said. “So technically I don’t know what another man looks or feels like.”
Natasha gave birth a year after their marriage. She was still living in Jamaica and he had returned to the US to file for her. And like Rachel, though they lived in different countries Natasha trusted her husband and believed he was faithful to her despite the distance. Something that made her respected and loved him even more.
One month after her arrival in the US, Natasha began to question her husband’s for marrying and bringing her there. And like Racheal, her life was nothing short of hell. She began to receive text messages and pictures from his other woman of a child she claimed belonged to Natasha’s husband. The child was the same age as Natasha’s son. She began receiving threats from the woman who made it clear that Natasha was not wanted there and that the only purpose her husband married her was to bring her up to be his slave as she (the sweetheart), was not willing to be. As expected everything changed between Natasha and her husband. The arguments were endless, he denied everything even though the evidences were staring them in the face. They tried counseling and for awhile were working things out. She got pregnant with their second child. Only to find out the other woman was also again pregnant!
Fortunately for her, a month after arriving she had got a job to help him with bills. This helped to keep her grounded and acted as a distraction and became a life saver. She stayed and tried to work out her marriage. After all he was no stranger to her and despite all that was happening she still felt he was worth it – until he threw her out on the streets.
“This woman started calling and texting my phone and calling me all sorts of names,” Natasha said. “She told me that it was only a matter of time before he got rid of me because they have been together for almost 12 years and no matter how many times he left her they always ended up back together. One night I was talking to him about it and he literally threw my things out and told me to get out. He knew I had nowhere to go and that I knew no one else there. I gave up my life for him.I had my own house that no one could put me out of… and instead ended up on the streets with my son.”
She was able to reach out to a good samaritan who allowed her to stay with him and his wife for three days before she had to leave. Today, she has rented a small apartment for herself and her son and desperately trying to put her life back together.
‘I am praying for God to change him and to open his eyes to the evil of his ways. It’s the worst experience of my life,” she said. “I never saw this coming. I would have been much better off staying in Jamaica and living the life I had. I never once went hungry and I had the respect and love of family and friends there. It’s hard to go back because I sold all I had and resigned my job so staring over there is just like starting over here. I will stay here and try to give my children the best opportunities I can.” But she noted, she hasn’t given up on him.
Experts say:
Experts in this case are the real women who have gone through these situations and can advise from the heart. The women say:
- Seek out the women’s shelter near you. They can provide you with steps on what to do next and legal advise on moving forward. They can even provide contact for pro bono lawyers based on your circumstances. Some will even provide low income houses and shelters for you until you are back on your feet.
- Find someone trusting to talk to about the pain and hurt. While counseling helps, this only helps to a point. Having a trusting best friend – even one back home to talk to on the phone is very effective as you can cry and be yourself around them and voice your opinion in the words you want to.
- Lean on your faith. If you are a faith believer, this is the time to pull from God and find peace and comfort in Him.
- If kids are involved, remind yourself that you have to be strong for them. Know that they are just as affected by your situation as you are and that they need the comforted and consolation just as you do.
- As the depression takes control of you, you will lose your self esteem. As a result you will not want to get out of bed and take care of yourself. However, getting out of bet, combing your hair, showering and dressing up – even with no where to go and no one to go there with, will help to rebuild your self esteem.
- Offer love instead of hate. While you are tempted (and naturally so) to hate him with a perfect hatred, force yourself to do the very opposite. Remember, love has the power to transform. It heals our hearts and allows us to forgive each other no matter how deep the hurt. Love in this situation does not mean having or fostering any sort of romantic feelings towards him. It means choosing actions of kindness; choosing to be patient while you are going through; and choosing to be selfless.