Finding someone and getting married is the easy part. Keeping that marriage going year after year is the hard part. However, doing so is not impossible if both parties are willing to work together at it.
Following the simple guidelines below can help any and every marriage – whether new or old – move from stagnant and just going through the motions, into something exemplary and envied by others! In fact, you will find yourselves falling in love all over again!
- Let the past be the past, but… Whatever lives you both lived in the past, especially before meeting your partner, let it remain in the past. Remember you both had lives before you met. However, if there are things from your past that can and will affect your marriage these MUST be discussed, preferably prior to saying “I do”. If you did not discuss these before for one reason or another, ensure you do so as soon as possible and certainly before your spouse finds out. This includes having an outside child, having a long-term shared loan with an ex, having a mortgage or co-signing for your ex’s home, car, etc. Having your wife or husband find these very important details out on their own will automatically kill the trust between the two of you no matter what the reasons for not disclosing are.
- Adjust your Facebook profile to say Married – not single or complicated. If this is not done, you are only leaving yourself open to advances from just about anyone, and who knows… you may forget your status and encourage a fling or two!
- If stepchildren are involved. If stepchildren are involved ensure that all the plans you make with their biological mom or dad are discussed with your partner to eliminate any doubt. If you are meeting your child’s mother/father either take your spouse along or explain in detail the reason for such a meeting. If this is not done it can result in serious suspicions, which again can lead to mistrust and disaster.
- Stick to the plan. If you have made plans together to do something that will affect the family, for example deciding on the type of vehicle you will purchase, stick with the plan. If you return with a Ford station wagon rather than a Lexus sedan, your partner will believe you do not value their opinion. If you have reasons to change your mind even while at the dealership, call your partner and let him/her in on the decision while asking their opinion.
- Don’t be friends with your ex. If it makes your spouse uncomfortable, don’t be friends with your exes. It is important to remember who you are married to and why your exes are just that – exes. No one else should be placed above your partner, especially if he /she has legitimate reasons to question your relationship with your ex.
- Discuss important matters. Important plans like finances and how both your money should be spent must be discussed with each other. A number of marriages have fallen apart because of selfish greed and one or both persons deciding to do what they wanted to do with ‘my money’ rather than agreeing together. If you are supporting an outside child every cent given to that child’s parent must be discussed with your partner.
- Leave no room for suspicions. Suspicion alone can kill a marriage. This is especially true if your relationship is recovering from cheating or lies. Therefore, you must ensure that you are transparent with your partner at ALL times. For example, never have secret discussions on your cell phones. Always ensure that your tone is loud enough for your partner to hear your end of the conversation. Answering in one syllable does not help! Also, do not under any circumstances lock yourself away in the bathroom with your cell phone, even if it is your comfort to browse the internet while doing number 2. Your partner may not believe your explanation. Trust must be re-established first and foremost.
- Be transparent. If your ex text or calls be transparent with your spouse. Tell or show your spouse what the discussion was. This will help to rebuild lost trust.
- Do everything together. Let the world see you as a couple. So, go out together lots! Post pictures of both of you on your Facebook page. Spend time to comment on a few of his/her pictures. Watch movies together, play together lots, etc. This will not only pull the two of you closer but will make cheating or the temptation to do so less likely.
- Place no one else above your partner. Remember marriage is about ‘forsaking all else’. Let your partner feel that you have their backs at all times and in all situations – no matter what.
- Do not cheat. If you cheated and your partner decides to forgive and continue with you, you have to be open and honest at all times in order to rebuild broken trust and a damaged relationship. Do not make the same mistake twice. There may not be any coming back.
- Supports each other’s dreams and aspirations. Sharing in each other’s dreams is very important in forging ahead in your marriage. This is one of the reasons you got married – to be a helpmate and a support column to your spouse. When no one else believes in them – you should. If you don’t, who will? Be encouraging in your support and correct without judgment or sarcasm if you feel your spouse’s idea may need some more thought.
- Have sex lots! Newlyweds tend to enjoy regular blissful nights of passionate sexual escapades, but once the honeymoon phase is over, couples often tend to fall into a mundane routine in the bedroom. Experts believe that there are many benefits to having sex. Some of these are – persons live longer; it reduces the risk of heart disease; contains cancer-fighting agents; it improves fitness and well-being and causes you to have less frequent colds and flu among many others. As a result, have sex lots!
What to expect after you get married
There are many changes that will take place after you have tied the knot and move in together. A lot of times couples are not prepared for some of these changes even though they know it would come. The important thing to remember in getting married and moving in together for the first time is to compromise. No two people are ever truly alike and so if one is not careful the new home becomes a battlefield right from the start.
So what are some of the changes that you should expect in your new marriage?
- sharing your space: You may have been used to having your own space – sleeping in your own bed, having the remote to yourself, and even preparing meals the way you like. Suddenly you find yourself fighting for the blanket at nights, listening to snoring so loud it could wake a bear out of hibernation, and inhaling the not so pleasant scent coming from the washroom. Again, the important thing here is a compromise. Try not to remind yourself that your vows did say ‘until death’, instead remind yourself that you will get used to it all. Fact: you will! give yourself time and you will be surprised to find that none of these annoy you anymore. In fact, you will find some of it quite humourous months down the line.
- Sharing finances: This is usually hard for some couples to grasp initially, and unfortunately, a number of couples get in big arguments over it. The best thing here is to start a joint account together. Some couples opt to have a joint account and credit cards together while also having their own savings account that the other partner is very aware of but likes it that way. Others share all the accounts. It will be up to you to have a discussion and decide what works best for both of you.
- Feelings of uncertainties and doubts: After the honeymoon phase has passed, couples sometimes go through a period of doubt where they question if they did the right thing in getting married. This is all a part of the adjusting process and learning to share your entire life with someone else. It may have seemed bliss standing on the outside and looking in but now that you are actually in things may not look so sublime. Be patient, it will fall into place as you put the necessary steps in place.
- Your spouse may not meet all your expectations: So you thought you married Prince Charming or he thought he married Princess Tiana, only to find out that the little things you hated in a person are a part of your spouse’s everyday life – things like he passes wind so loudly and without reservation that it vibrates the sofa! or that his little princess belches out so loudly that it echos in the next room. Since compromise has to be made then you both have to either find the humor in all this or talk about how it affects you. Good news! no marriage has been known to fall apart just because of a fart!
- You will have fights: It is impossible to be married with the hope of spending the rest of your lives together without having a fight. In fact, expect to have at least one serious fight that will have you questioning if you really want to stay in the marriage. Every couple goes through them, and if you find one that tells you they haven’t – they are lying! How you deal with this fight will determine the outcome of your marriage and speaks to the strength of your union.
- You are now accountable: Marriage is a covenant agreement, breaking covenant is never a good thing. Therefore, you are now accountable to each other and for just about every action. Don’t let persons tell you that you are too separate beings… as nice as that sounds – it is not the truth. For Christians it is simple ‘ the two shall become one flesh’, therefore, you are no longer separate entities but one. whatever is done by one person will and should affect the other. Therefore, you now become accountable to each other – where you go, what you do, who you see, how much money you make – it should all be an open book to your partner. Otherwise – why did you marry?
- No more hanging with the boys/gyals as you feel a mind: Most of your time will now be spent with your significant other. Of course, you are not living in prison and will be expected to keep your friends and hang out with them from time to time, but definitely not as often as you would if you were still unhitched. Again, compromise comes into play.
- Start a family: Having kids is something that would /should have been discussed before marriage. When and how many are usually good topics to discuss this point. However, not every couple has this discussion and ‘play it by air’. Either way, be prepared to have children in the mix, and if one or both are not able to have children based on medical reasons, be prepared to deal with the challenges that come with this.
- Share in each other’s dreams: Shared dreams are important in a marriage, especially a new marriage as persons continue the process of getting to know each other. Having the support of your spouse is very important in the success and growth of the marriage.
- Work as a team: Do just about everything together – including shower! The more time you spend doing things together the more you get to know the other and form a stronger bond. As tempting as it may be to keep up the routine of doing things by yourself as it was before you were married, change your mindset to do them together.
Your new marriage can indeed work, however, it will require some amount of effort on both your parts.