“It is next to impossible for me to trust again after what my husband did to me, “ 39-year old Canadian resident Sophia said. “When we met I trusted him with my life and with the life of my daughter. She was four-years-old when we met,” she said. “But the fact of the matter is that you never really know a person until you have lived with them for a while and they have settled and let their guards down. Not only was he cheating on me with countless women but he did the worst thing that any man could ever do – He molested my daughter when she was seven-years-old! Now tell me, how can I trust him or any man again after that?”
Sophia said the incident took place almost four years ago. Since then she has never thought of getting into another relationship and does not see this happening anytime soon. She lives alone with her daughter whom she says she has been trying to focus her full attention on with the hope that she will be able to grow past the incident. She and her husband have separated and divorce is in the process.
That was one woman’s legitimate question for losing complete trust in men. And so the question is asked, how do you trust again after a breakup?
A number of relationships have broken up due to lack of trust
Counseling psychologist Sandrine Meirwood said trust is not something you can teach someone to have, it is something that comes over time and could take years to develop – if ever.
“It is quite understandable in Sophia’s case why she does not trust and may even never trust again,” the psychologist said. “I have seen hundreds of people who suffer from trust issues and their reasons are quite valid. The issue with that is any relationship that they may encounter later on will carry with it a lack of trust even though that other person is not the one guilty of destroying that trust in the first place. The key is to be open and honest with the person you are getting involved with so that they know it is not about them but more about you. Some people will choose to continue in the relationship while helping you to rebuild that trust or some may not be able to deal with the blame and finger-pointing that may come with it.”
The psychologist said there are ways to rebuild broken trust but this will take time and deliberate dedicated effort.
“It has to be something that you want to do,” Meirwood said. “It can’t be something you do because somebody said ‘you need to trust me’ and so you just decide to trust them. After your trust has been damaged it becomes a mental issue that you have to want to repair in order to achieve this. Reasons being it takes a lot of time and effort.”
She noted that a number of relationships have broken up because of a lack of trust.
How to trust again after a breakup
So how can you trust again after a breakup?
1. Forgive — In order to trust again after a breakup, one of the first things we need to do is to forgive. Forgive the person for the breakup; forgive them for the hurt they caused you that lead to the breakup; and forgive yourself for the role you may have had in the situation. Forgiveness is the first step in moving forward without any bitterness or anger. So no matter how difficult it will be to forgive – forgive anyway. Forgiveness benefits you even more than it does the person who has hurt you.
2. Do not self-blame — do not tell yourself you should have known better and that you should have seen it coming or that if you were a better mother, a better spouse, a better person you would have seen the signs. We should always seek to learn from our experiences and move forward with more knowledge. Self-blame makes us unable to move forward and unable to trust ourselves or others again.
3. Trust your sense of judgment — moving forward, trust your sense of judgment if and when you decide to move on to your next relationship. if something feels off and you just can’t put your finger on it, it may be that something is really off. If you feel comfortable with someone, trust that. Bear in mind that we will never be able to know someone fully until we have spent quality time with them.
You can learn to trust again after a breakup
4. Face up to what went wrong in the broken relationship — In Sophia’s situation, there is no facing up to what went wrong as she had nothing to do with what her husband did to her daughter. That is all on him. But in breakups where the relationship went sour due to incompatibilities or cheating, it is good to look back and see what you could have done differently or better. For example, if you need to have spent more time in communication, spend more time validating your partner or just spend more time hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. In acknowledging what you could have done better, it gives you a better grasp of what relationship requires and equip you for your next one. Thus you are able to enter your next relationship with confidence and trust.
5. Find your own closure — finding closure is necessary to move forward. Sometimes you may not be able to get closure through the other partner as they may have left abruptly and you do not know where to find them, or it may be a case that you chose not to face them physically based on what they did. In such cases, find your own closure. If you need to go to counseling to have someone help you through this then do so. If you don’t have closure it is very hard to trust again.
6. Acknowledge that not all men are the same — no matter how hard this may be, you have to remind yourself that not all men are the same. That there are still very good men out there who value family and relationships. If you go forward thinking that all men are wolves then this will automatically block you from trusting anyone again. If you shift your mindset you will begin to see the good in them and your trust level will begin to increase.
7. Do not enter your next relationship expecting it to end like the ones before — If you find yourself entering your next relationship with the mindset that it is going nowhere and expecting your new partner to do the very same things as the last, then maybe you should reconsider getting involved as it shows that you are not ready to open up yourself to someone else and be with them for who they really are. However, this does not mean that you won’t be mindful and have eyes wide open for any signs of an occurring incident. It simply means you won’t create an issue where there is none.
Be open and honest with each other as you seek to develop trust after a breakup
8. Be open and honest — If you do enter a new relationship, be open and honest with the other person from the get-go about what happened and why you lost trust. Their response will determine if the relationship is worth pursuing. If they are understanding and calm then they may be willing to work with you through your mood swings and lack of trust. If they seem angry at you for your attitude towards men, then you can expect countless arguments down the road and expect that they will not do anything to try to calm your fears. If he is willing to work with you he will ensure that his actions are not questionable but will be open, honest, and transparent. If he does this then you will be able to slowly start trusting again.
9. Do not blame them for things you think they may do — This is also a hard task to accomplish for someone who has lost trust. But try not to bring your last partners baggage over into your new relationship. In other words, do not start accusing and blaming your new spouse for things you THINK they may have done wrong, even before they do it. This is using someone else’s faults to judge them. This is not only unfair to them but it also stops you from developing trust in that person on their own terms and for who they really are. Therefore, do not accuse without a valid and legitimate reason.
10. Communicate your doubts and fears to them — if you are having feelings of doubt regarding their whereabouts and actions, the best thing to do is to speak to them about it. You may realize that whatever you thought they did was only in your mind or derived from having a suspicious mind based on your past experiences. Communication is a sure way of developing trust.
Communicate your doubts and fears as you seek to develop trust
11. Spend a lot of time together — Spend a lot of time with each other doing things you both enjoy. Spending time together is another way of getting to know the person on a one and one level. This will definitely help to develop trust as you get to know the person more. Spending time together will also eliminate unasked questions floating around in your head like ‘what was he doing? who was he doing it with? Was he lying when he said he was at the mall? etc. However, ensure that you are spending time with him because you both want this and not because you are using it as a way of keeping track of his every move. That is never a good thing. If you find yourself doing things simply to keep track then your relationship is not growing in trust. Fact — a person will cheat if they want to cheat, no matter what you do and how much you watch them. Keeping tabs on them only serves to raise your blood pressure to boiling point each time they may do something suspicious. Therefore, the time spent together should be because you both want this as a way of growing the relationship and developing trust over time.
12. know that relationships don’t always end ‘happily ever after’ — Another fact in life is that not all relationships are meant to last forever, that is why we have the courtship period to confirm whether or not two people are compatible for each other before tying the knots. Sometimes they are not and you just have to part ways. If you enter a new relationship with this in mind then the trust will not be a crippling factor if that person does something to let you down. Marriage comes after you have decided that you are compatible and when trust has been established. Unfortunately, couples who do not spend a lot of time doing things together never truly get to know their partner until it is too late. Thus they never truly I’ve themselves the chance to develop trust.