If you find that you are always anxious about your relationship, always questioning what your partner is doing or not doing, and feel that they are always hiding something, then you are suffering from relationship insecurity. This insecurity leads to a lack of trust which can make you constantly question not only your partner but yourself.
Therefore, if you find yourself depressed and anxious when they leave your sight and worried that their intentions are no good, then your relationship may be in trouble.
Insecurity is caused by many different issues. But the good news is that once you can identify the cause, you can stop it from taking over your relationship and move on to a healthy, better union.
However, feelings of insecurities are not always easy to work through, and if it is not dealt with and you walk away from that relationship, it will follow you over into the next. Thus it has to be dealt with as soon as possible before it becomes a cycle. It is recommended that as soon as you start feeling insecure for whatever reason, address the matter!
Insecurity In A Relationship Is Caused By Many Different Issues
Juliet shared the story of her former marriage of nine years in which her husband was so insecure that it eventually lead to their divorce.
“My husband was so insecure that he would not allow me to go out on my own. If he was not able to come with me, he would not allow me to go,” Juliet said. “The only place I could go freely was work. And even then he would watch the time I got home and if I got home 10 minutes later than he expected it was a huge argument. Sometimes he would even get physically abusive. He was always accusing me of being involved with men even if all I said to them was hello. I couldn’t have any male contacts in my phone unless they were family.”
Juliet said it got so bad that whenever her phone rang he would rush to get to it before she did.
“His constant abuse and accusation became too much to bear. I just could not take it anymore,” she said. “We were constantly arguing — night and day— it just never let up. It was draining and toxic and I had to walk away.”
Insecurity In A Relationship Can Lead To Abuse
Stella, a 42-year-old, had the opposite experience, she was the one that showed signs of insecurity and admits it’s a problem that she needs to work on.
“It started after I found out that my husband was constantly cheating and didn’t care how it affected me,” the mother of three said. “We never go out much. But when we did he would be turning around and staring at women and they would be smiling back at him, even though I was right there as his wife. When I said anything to him he would say I was being paranoid and that I was making things up. He would come home late and a few times he went missing for two days and no matter how I called his phone there would be no answer. Then when he got home he would say it was work and his phone died and he had no charger. Some stupid explanation. It was obvious what he was up to.”
While admitting her insecurities, Stella said she had good reasons to feel the way she did and her insecurities are not in her mind.
What causes insecurities in a relationship
There are a number of reasons why a relationship suffers from insecurities. This can weigh down on the union and can be devastating and toxic for one or both partners involved. This kind of insecurity can lead to physical abuse and eventually a break up in a union as it magnifies issues and makes it seem like problems are much worse than they really are. Or even highlight problems where there is none.
A Number of Issues In a Relationship Can Lead To Insecurities
However, there are times when insecurities are as a result of experience and may take deeper intervention and total transformation to get rid of.
Some causes of Insecurities:
(i) Fear
The fear of losing your relationship often leads to feelings of insecurities. Fear puts you on edge and causes you to be always looking out for the little things that seem to disrupt the union even though they may be minor and even innocent. These are usually blown out of portion by the imagination which puts tension on an otherwise stable relationship.
(ii) Prior Bad Relationship
If you had a bad relationship in the past where one partner cheated or was abusive you will find yourself expecting the same from your new relationship even though there may not be any physical signs. If the underlining issues from your prior relationships have not been dealt with then this will be grounds for feeling insecure.
(iii) Anxiety
Mental issues such as severe anxiety can lead to constant feelings of insecurities. Thus you will find yourself constantly accusing your partner of doing something wrong when in fact it is not happening. Anxiety also causes you to be always wanting your own space which could drive a wedge between you and your spouse resulting in constant arguments and feelings of insecurities.
Lack Of Trust Can Lead To Abuse
(iv) Lack of trust
Lack of trust is one of the biggest causes of insecurities in a relationship. If there is no trust there will be constant accusation which could lead to a break down in the union. This could be passed down from previous relationships and is particularly damaging if your partner is not guilty of your accusations but is targetted based on your inner insecurities from what someone else may have done to you.
(v) Lack of Communication
Lack of communication and not spending time together can also lead to feelings of insecurities. Not communicating your feelings especially if you suspect your partner of not being honest could build up into insecurity. As a result, it is best to communicate your feeling to your partner as soon as they pop up. Not spending time together is another trigger for insecurity.
(vi) Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem also causes insecurity. If you do not think highly of yourself you will always be putting yourself down and thinking you are not good enough for your partner or thinking he will be interested in someone more worthy. You would need to go back to see where this low self-esteem came from and deal with it from there. This is called going back to the zero point. You then have a make a conscious effort to rebuild yourself.
The Need To Control Causes Insecurity In A Relationship
(vii) The need to control
Persons with the need to control those close to them and control situations are usually very insecure when they find that they cannot actually be in control. The need to control could be as a result of childhood experience or something from your past that was not dealt with.
(viii) Jealousy
Another sure cause of insecurity is jealousy. If one is jealous there will be constant scrutiny and unasked questions. These unasked questions will lead to insecurity. Sometimes feelings of jealousy are based on the things your partner is doing or has done, eg, flirting with others and telling them how good they look while never complimenting you.
Sometimes it requires drastic renovation on your life to get past these insecurities and moving on to a better you.
Get Rid of Insecurity In Your Life — It’s Demo Day!
How to deal with insecurities in your relationship — It’s Demo Day!
Because insecurity in a relationship can cause many issues, the quicker you identify and deal with it the better.
Dr. Kat Smith, certified American Intimacy Expert, counselor, and author of 10 books, including ‘ABCs Of Intimacy’, ‘Balancing Love and Life’, and ‘Creating a Love Vision Board’, says much like our homes, our lives can use a simple refurbishing, a detailed renovation or a full-on remodel.
” The task of tearing out old, outdated beliefs and behavior that no longer or never served you allows you to open up to fresh ideas and habits,” she said. “Adding a fresh coat of color rejuvenates living and increases life’s value. It’s Demo Day!”
As per Dr. Smith, here are some steps for undertaking that project:
1. Make a Plan
Assess what you’d like to renovate and set priorities
- Where to start – If you can change anything about yourself what would that be?
- When to start – Don’t start at a time when you cannot devote the time and energy to the changes you desire. It’s self-defeating.
Make a Plan On How To Change Your Insecurities
- Be realistic
Starting any good renovation requires a realistic idea about what you can and want to accomplish.
- See your renovation in stages.
- Do your research and talk to friends who have renovated their lives and ask them what to expect.
- Clip photos out of magazines of the life you want and create a vision board.
- Start Demolition
Once you are ready, it’s demolition time.
- Begin to pay attention to your thoughts and actions that may sabotage your plan
- Work behind the walls – check the emotional and mental wiring and make sure that there are no shorts or old wiring that will short circuit your progress.
Get Advice on How to Make Changes to Get Over Your Insecurities
- Get advice
Self-determination is great when it is working with you but there may be times when you feel weak and defeated. Don’t give up!
- Have a support system that you can call for encouragement and inspiration. It takes a good friend to remind you that YOU will love how you feel once you have completed your remodel.
- Invest in a coach, trainer, or stylist to help you reach your goals.
“Don’t look back and regret the before and after shot of your life,” Kat, who is a Resilient Survivor, said. “Take steps now to breathe new life and inspiration in your goals, dreams, and desires.”
To learn more about how to rebuild your life, here is a link to Dr. Smith’s post and video: https://www.drkatsmith.com/fix-her-upper-a-life-renovation/
Resilient Survivor Dr. Kat Smith is an Acclaimed TedX Speaker, Expert Media Guest & Author. She is a transformative speaker on Leadership, Resilience, Change, Relationships, and HR Issues. Watch #ResilientLivingTV at KatSmithLive. Read more on My Story page.
How to Deal With Insecurity
Along with your self renovation, here are some other ways to deal with insecurities.
- Identify what causes your insecurity — identifying and addressing the cause and where it comes from will better equip you to root out the issue. As mentioned in the renovation above, this may require the help of a coach or counselor.
- Discuss your concerns with your partner — While it may be intimidating to own up and open up about your insecurities, it would help to have an open discussion with your partner. This may be especially hard if like Stella, your partner gives you every reason to feel insecure without any concern for your feelings. However, getting it out may help you to not obsess over the situation and may also have him looking into his actions — hopefully!
- Building yourself up — If your insecurities are a result of low self-esteem then following the steps provided by Dr. Smith could work wonders and make you into the person you will love and feel confident about.
Do Things You Enjoy To Get Past Your Insecurities
- Do things you enjoy — Doing things you enjoy outside of the relationship and your partner will make you feel better about yourself, allows you to focus less on the things that are making you insecure, and gives you a sense of independence. These things may include just hanging with your friends, volunteering at an animal shelter or nursing home, going hiking, etc. As long as you do something you really enjoy.
- Remind yourself why you are together — If your insecurity is because you keep putting yourself down and feeling your partner cannot love you, or you are not good enough for them, remind yourself why you are together in the first place. Think of all the qualities they fell in love with. If you have forgotten, ask. Usually, if they are with you they love and accept you for who you are and not who you think you should be.
- Work through the issues together — If insecurity is a problem in your relationship, then it would be affecting both persons involved. As a result, sit down and decide on a plan of how to best get through it together. Discuss the causes as openly and honestly as possible along with coming up with a solution. If you feel the solutions discussed are not feasible, decide together to seek the help of a counselor. In the long run, it will be worth it.
Do Things Together To Build Trust
- Do things to build trust — If it is that your partner does not trust you or visa versa, then you have to both agree to start doing things that will cause less suspicion and that will build trust. If you are insecure because your last partner cheated and you suspect your new partner is doing the same, have this discussion and ask that they be totally transparent in their behaviors. Thus not leaving the room to make a phone call in hushed tones, no locking phone from the other, no late nights without discussions, etc.
- Spend quality time together — Sometimes insecurities can develop because two people start growing apart. This can happen because they are not spending enough time together, not complementing each other, and not validating each other. The more quality time you spend together the more you bond and the more you bond the fewer chances of one person feeling insecure. In fact, even if there are feelings of insecurity, spending time together allows for you to know what your partner is doing and who they are doing it with — you, therefore this will alleviate insecurities caused by suspicions.
Identifying Insecurities in your Relationship
You may be in the position where you point something out to your partner and they told you bluntly that you are imagining it and that you are paranoid and insecure. And each time you bring something to their attention they pull the insecurity card. So now you start questioning yourself and start feeling insecure about being insecure!
Signs Your Are Insecure In Your Relationship
Signs You Are Truly Insecure
Here are some signs to confirm that you are truly insecure.
(i) You nag about them talking to friends of the opposite sex, but is not bothered if they are socializing with people of the same sex.
(ii) You search their cell phones and check location services each night while they are asleep.
(iii) You watch what time they get home from work and argue if they are 10 minutes late.
(iv) You put a tracker on their phone.
(v) You do not allow them to go out alone. Ever!
(v1) You nag about their ex. Even those from way before you ever met.
(vii) You go through their dirty laundry to check for unusual stains and notes in their pocket.
(viii) You keep needing reassurance from your partner as to how they feel about you.
(ix) You feel they are always cheating — even though you have no solid proof.
(x) You are jealous when she spends two minutes talking to the mailman.
Signs Your Insecurities are Legitimate
Sometimes you are made to feel that you are not being reasonable in the accusations of your partner’s behavior, when in fact they are as guilty as sin! So when are your insecurities legitimate?
(i) He leaves the room when his phone rings and answers in hush tones. A well-known sign that they are up to something is when their phone rings and they sneak out of the room to answer and when you go to see what is keeping them they quickly hung up the phone and tell you its work — even though they had been temporarily laid off for the past four months due to COVID!
(ii) They leave without telling you where they are going and stays out all night. Your partner consistently leaves home and when you ask where they are going they make it clear that it is none of your business. They do not return for the night and when they show up the next day they treat you as if you do not exist.
(iii) They lock their cell phone and use the excuse that it is their private property. Having a lock on their cell phone is fine — everyone does! When you are their partner and they refuse to let you know what their pin is — even though you share their bed, share a joint account, and may even share kids — then something is surely wrong. Don’t accept being told their phone is their private property, if you are married you are each other’s private property that no one else should invade. What is more valuable, the vows made, or cell phone? If they insist on hiding the contents of their phone from you don’t accept anything less — they are hiding something!
No Matter How You Ask They Never Take You Out
(iv) No matter how you ask they never take you out. They have a busy social life and is always dressing up and going out but never takes you anywhere, even on your birthday. They either don’t want to be seen with you or they don’t want you to be seen with them. After all, they may have a single status to protect. A person in love wants to take his partner everywhere to show them off. That is what partners means — a pair of people engaged together in the same activity.
(v) They are constantly upset with you without cause. They always seem to be mad at you for no fault of your own. Yet when you ask what the issues are they have no answer. Usually, this anger is directed at themselves based on their unfaithfulness and shortcomings.
(vi) They are constantly lying. If someone is constantly lying about the simplest of things this could bring a sense of insecurity as you will begin to have questions about the need to lie.
(vii) They cheated a number of times in your relationship. Trust has been destroyed in your relationship because your partner has cheated over and over. You have done counseling but even while going they saw it fit to flirt with the counselor and was still having extramarital affairs during the counseling period. For sure your insecurities are understandable and even expected.
If you find yourself in any of these seven examples given, it is suggested that you seek further counseling if you did so before and the problem still exists. If your partner’s cheating, lying, anger, disassociation, and disappearing without any explanation actions do not destroy your union, then your justifiable insecurities will. Thus the reason it is recommended that further professional individual and couples counseling be sought.
Your Insecurities Are Justified If He Does Not want to Be Seen With You in Public
TAKE THE QUIZ!!!! Am I insecure without a cause?
You want your relationship but you find that your constant doubts are causing unnecessary finger-pointing and is damaging to both you and your spouse. Is your partner really guilty or is it just in your mind? Maybe the situation is not fair to them and so it is time you took the matter in your hands and seek the help that you need.
Your lover has cheated on you countless times in the past…
a. Never that you know of
b. Once, but he has close female friends
c. So many times that you have stopped keeping count
Your communication is…
a. Just as good as ever, in fact, better
b. Checks in every now and then
c. Finding it hard to get him on the phone
When their phone ring and they are in the shower, they…
a. Ask you to answer it for them
b. leaves it to ring
c. rushes out the shower, sliding on the wet floor to grab it
When asked if they want to go out together…
a. Eager to make plans
b. Tells you they will but not now
c. Changes the subject, and leaves shortly after to go without letting you know where
When he/she is home he/she is…
a. Very attentive
b. Spends time watching TV alone
c. Always angry
When you go out together they…
a. hold your hands or have their arm around your shoulder
b. Walks behind or ahead and keeps looking around as if not wanting to be seen
c. tell you to hurry as they want to go back home
Results:
If you get mostly ‘A’s your insecurity is all in your mind…you definitely have a good thing going on. As a result, is it best you seek counseling to deal with your made-up insecurities that seem to be damaging your relationship.
Mostly ‘B’s – It is time to sit down and think long and hard about just where your relationship is going. He may not be going back to his old ways but he is not giving you reasons to feel secure and comfortable after his indiscretion. Think about seeking counseling together. It seems his mind is not into the relationship as it ought and your insecurities are justified.
Mostly ‘C’ – You definitely have reasons to feel insecure, your relationship is basically non-existent. Stop feeling like your insecurity is all in your head — it is not! He is definitely up to something naughty, and it does not include you!