As a quote from Flavia Weedn reminds us “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same”. These people are the ones we refer to as exes. But how do you cope after someone has left their footprints on your heart? How do we move on from an ex?
The first thing you need to remind yourselves is that not everyone you meet will stay forever. Some people will ultimately have to let go for whatever reason(s), while some people will let you go. Once you have been in a relationship that didn’t work out that makes you somebody’s ex and makes them your ex. So, chances are while you are moping and trying to figure out how to move on from them, they too are trying to figure out how to move on from you.
Simply put, the healing process after a break-up is not easy. counselors have likened the trauma of a break-up to that of a loss through death. So how do you move on from your ex?
The first thing you need to do is come to terms with the fact that you are no longer together. This is the hard part. And based on the intensity of the relationship you shared and the reason for the break up it may take some time. This may mean nights of crying, days of not having an appetite, locking yourself away from others, falling into a state of depression, etc. All these are a natural part of coming to terms with the situation, especially if the other person was the cause of the breakup and it was totally unexpected.
Before any healing can begin, however, you have to forgive the person for leaving you or for doing whatever they did that caused the breakup. If you were at fault you have to forgive yourself. Be reminded that forgiveness teaches humility by giving us the opportunity to remember that we, too, mishandle others in relationships intentionally and unintentionally and so we may need their forgiveness also.
Moving On From An Ex
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Ku¨bler-Ross, based on her years of working with terminal cancer patients, introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief”.
While these stages represented the feelings of people who were themselves facing death, they have since been applied to those who are experiencing negative life changes including the breakup of a relationship. When you get to the end of this grieving process is when your healing truly begins, and you can finally move on. Therefore, allow yourself to go through the natural stages of:
1. Denial. You will deny that the person is actually gone for good. This is when you sit by the phone waiting for them to call, or you walk out your office door hoping to see their car in the parking lot waiting to pick you up, or you sit on the sofa waiting to hear the front door open. However, when you finally realize they are never coming back you will move onto the next stage in your healing.
2. Anger. After you accept that they are not coming back you begin to go through a state of anger, especially with the other person for leaving. At this point, you feel as if you would literally kill them and don’t even wish to hear their names spoken. Then the anger subsides, and you find yourself at the bargaining stage.
3. Bargaining. You want to run back to the person and bargain with them to take you back, promising to change things if only they would. You want to send endless text messages letting them know how much you miss them. If they were at fault, you want to let them know that it doesn’t matter what they did you just want them back.
4: Depression. Then reality begins to set in, and you realize that all is indeed lost so you begin to fall into a state of depression. Not wanting to eat, shower, go out, speak to friends, you just want to lock yourself away and cry night and day. At this stage, you begin to lose your self-esteem and question what is wrong with you why this had to happen. The period of depression is uncertain, and some days will be better than others. But as time goes by you will slowly begin to get your life back and start doing things a step at a time. This is when you get to the next stage.
5: Acceptance. Now that reality has set in, you begin to accept the fact that the person will no longer be coming back and begin to move forward with your life.
Please note, however, that grief does not follow a timetable and it does not neatly follow any of the above stages, which means you may not go through the stages in order. You may skip one, You may get stuck on one, or you may reach a stage and then fall back to a lower stage. However, you will eventually go through all of the stages prior to reaching the stage of acceptance. Reaching acceptance does not mean that you will forget the hurt and pain, however, things would be much easier to deal with as you move forward.
It is Not Easy Moving On From An Ex
In order to move on from an ex, you have to allow yourself to go through the various stages. Not dealing with a loss or getting stuck in a level can cause persons to take drastic steps. This may be manifested in the person hurting themselves, which is most common, or in hurting the person that hurt them. This could be the spouse or the new lover.
So, what do you do while going through the grief process?
- Realize that grief is a normal reaction to a breakup. Cry, throw things, curse, roll on the floor, pray, get the emotions out, however you wish. Just let it out.
- Understand the process of grief — Do not feel bad or embarrassed when you’re calling your ex at 2:00 am to beg them to take you back; when you still use your married name even though he has remarried; when you haven’t showered in three days and cannot find the energy to even comb your hair. Remember that it is a process and as hard as it may seem at the time – you will get pass it.
- Do not give up – No matter how tempting it may be to simply give up on living a normal life, don’t! Instead, open up yourself to be helped and surround yourself with a few trusted friends. Shutting yourself away is not good at this time. Go out with friends, go for long drives, go to the movies, to the park, if you are an animal lover go to the zoo… anything to distract you at different stages of the healing process.
- Get involved in something you are passionate about. Again, you may not have the energy or the desire to do things but force yourself to do something – anyway! Start writing, join the gym, start that small business you have been dying to start but just never had the time. Center your attention on anything else as much as possible. This is a good way of fighting off the depression.
- keep away from reminders. You don’t need anyone around to rub the situation in your face nor remind you of the painful situation you are in, whether the break up is your fault or not. Do not go out with friends and their significant others, this will only add insult to injury. Do not go to places or watch movies the two of you were accustomed to watching. Avoid going on his social media pages and checking out his status. Do things differently than when he/she was around.
- Keep away from intimate relationships. Do not get involved in a new relationship while you are healing! This is the absolute worst time! Getting involved will only push you in a rebound relationship which usually ends quickly and badly (see Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Learn the Truth Today!) and causes you even more pain. Be certain to reach your acceptance stage before you start dating again.
Things not to do while trying to move on from an ex
While trying to move on from an ex, and while going through the various stages of the grief process, some persons become desperate and sometimes even vengeful. This can result in things being said and done that can affect any future contact between you and your ex. And could even destroy their lives. As a result, here is a guide to things you should never do while trying to move on from your ex – even while going through the anger process of your grief.
- Do not build a shrine in his memory. Do not plaster his pictures and letters all over your wall and lay staring at them. This is a constant and very unhealthy reminder that only hurts you each time you look at his gorgeous eyes staring back at you from your wall. Or each time you look at one of his many gifts given to you in better days.
- Do not dump his stuff off at his work. Embarrassing him at his work will not speak good of you, and again, another pat on his shoulders for leaving you!
- No hateful Facebook posts. Persons have been known to post pictures and derogatory posts about their ex on their Facebook page. Or even creating a new account dedicated to destroying that ex. What is the aim here? To have them run back to you with open arms? Really? Think again! A greater enemy than this you cannot create and for sure any hope of ever rekindling the flames would be lost forever. Why? Oh, nothing great – ‘cept you just destroyed their life!
- No nail scraping your ex’s car. Again, a definite no, no! whatever you hope to accomplish by damaging his car won’t have him running back to you after he has to spend hundreds to repair his prized possession. If your aim is to send a message that you hate him, just tell him to his face. This may even have a more positive impact.
- Constantly calling, texting, etc. Yes, you feel desperate and are trying your best to move past this. But it is so lonely without him. You feel as if you cannot breathe, in fact, you have had a few severe panic attacks and felt for sure your life was ending. So you decided to guilt-trip him about your attacks, you decided to beg him to come back, you decided you still want to know what his day is like, or why he chose that scrawny, flat-chested girl over you. None of this will work in your favor and you will only come out as the bad person in all this. If you are tempted to call, text, IM, Skype, etc, get rid of all his contacts. This may cause you a minor panic attack while doing it, but it will be to your benefit in the long term.
- Going to their hangout spots. Going to their hangout spots knowing you will bump into them is not good, especially if they broke it off with you. Again, this will only be seen as a desperate attempt to get them back especially if it is not somewhere you yourself would hang out while you were together. Put space between you and them. This will help you to heal faster.
- Becoming chummy with his friend. Do not become chummy with his friends. Again, your desperation will be quite transparent, and your ex is sure to hear about it but in a negative way. This especially should be avoided if you were not close to his friends before the breakup.
- Do not lash out at his new girl. You have no beef with her. It is all about you and your ex. No matter what, it is never a good idea to attack the other woman – never! Therefore, getting her number/ email and sending her messages to leave your man alone, or what you will do to her, or calling her derogatory names, should not be done. Definitely, no gang attacking her with your friends to cut a chunk of her hair out! Whatever you do to her, your ex will feel the need to be protective of her while patting himself on the back for leaving a psychopath like you!