Hope and her husband have been married for seven years. She knew he had three children from a prior relationship and was comfortable with that since she too had one child of her own. All three of his children were living with their mother, and so Hope felt it would not be too uncomfortable for her.
A month after they were married she received an email from his ex stating that her husband was deceiving her as the two were still together and that he only married her to make her a helper to the children and herself.
Hope was crushed. Her husband denied it when she confronted him. Unfortunately, Hope was living in another country and was in the processing of preparing to migrate to Canada where her husband, the three children, and the children’s mom were living. As a result, she had no way of proving if the other woman was trying to create mischief or if her new husband had been lying to her all along.
A year and a half later her papers were approved by immigration and Hope and her son moved to Canada. That was four years ago.
How To Get Your Ex To Trust You Again
When Hope arrived she received another email from the woman informing her that she should not get too comfortable with her husband as it was only a matter of time before he returns to her. Hope became very suspicious of why she would be receiving emails and started her own personal investigations, this included checking her husband’s phone messages. What she saw not only confirmed her worst suspicions but changed her life drastically.
Like so many other women in Hopes position who married someone living overseas, she discovered that the other woman had been right all along. Her husband was actually living with the woman when he went to her country to marry her. When their honeymoon was over and he returned to Canada, he returned to her bed. They were still living together. They had been having a relationship for over 18 years on and off. Her husband’s reasons behind it all was that even though they were broken up she had nowhere to go and so she was staying at his house.
Every ounce of trust that Hope had for her husband disappeared when she found out he had been lying to her. The fact that he married her and not the mother of his children, and that he kept going back to her was confusing to Hope. She could not understand why he didn’t marry the other woman, to begin with, since it seems obvious he could not live without her in his life. While her husband admitted to being with her years ago he still denied they had a current affair. Only when presented with the text messages that clearly showed he was with her that very week and his text of missing her that he withdrew parts of his story.
Denying Your Wrongs Will Destroy Trust Further
Hope decided she could not live with someone she could not trust and moved out with her son. Two months after having no contact with him, she received a text message from him apologizing and stating he would never lie to her again and that he wanted her back in his life. He informed her he would do whatever it takes to make their marriage work, and even initiated counseling. Hope decided to meet with him to discuss what was at stake. Weeks later they decided to go away together for the weekend in an effort to rekindle things.
On the day she was scheduled to return from their weekend trip, she received a lengthy text message from the other woman stating that she knew he was with her and that the same place she was staying with him at that very moment, she and him were there together only two weeks before. The text stated that the only reason her husband was back with her was that she (the other woman) refused him. Hope started chewing fire! She read the message to her husband who was in the process of packing to leave. The look on his face and his mumbling for a response told her everything. He had still been seeing her and had in fact taken her to that very hotel only two weeks ago. That was it! Any hope of rekindling trust was lost — maybe forever!
Be Completely Honest in Getting Your Ex To Trust You Again
Expert Say:
It is never easy to gain trust back after it has been destroyed over and over, counseling psychologist Sandrine Meirwood said.
“Rebuilding trust in any relationship is hard. If you have committed to trying to work things out and during that time you are still found doing the same things that destroyed the trust in the first place, then there is no way your partner can know what to believe,” she said. “This makes it hard to trust you when you are not giving them anything to trust.”
How Do You Gain Your Ex Trust Back?
Be Completely Honest
It is still true that honesty is the best policy. One of the most effective ways of rebuilding trust is to be totally honest. If you say you are ending an affair you have to mean that you are ending it. The truth always finds a way of coming out and when this happens and you are found lying, that only makes the situation worse and leads to separation. A relationship without trust is not a healthy nor happy one. If your ex does not trust you because you are (were) a serial liar, then complete honesty will certainly help.
Acknowledge Your Wrongs In Getting Your Ex To Trust You Again
Acknowledge your wrongs
Before you can even think about being honest with someone else you have to first acknowledge what you did wrong. And not just acknowledge this to the other person — just for the sake of making them feel good, but to acknowledge to yourself first and foremost. You have to feel some sort of regret and remorse and realize the damage your action created. If you do not feel remorse then the chances of the situation repeating itself are very great. If you cannot see where you have gone wrong you will never be able to fix it.
Cut Ties With Your Past Affair
If cheating was the cause for the trust issue — as in Hope’s case — then you have to ensure that you cut ties with your lover. In some cases, this may not be possible if children are involved, but in cases like these, you have to be honest with your partner if you have to go to visit the kids or deliver money to their mom. If this is so, take your spouse along with you so they can see that there is really nothing going on with you and that you have really ended that union. Never, under any circumstance decide to do this alone. Also, ensure that you have no contact with your former lover. If they call you, have your partner listen in on the conversation (without instructing your ex-lover that your partner is also listening). If the call is just to chit chat let them know they cannot contact you anymore. If your partner is not around at the time of the call, as soon as you get the chance, let them know. Keeping it a secret and having them find out by chance will defeat the purpose of trust-building and only make the situation worse.
Cut Ties With Your Past Affair to Get Your Ex To Trust You Again
Be Transparent
Being transparent in your actions is just as important as being completely honest. If you do things without telling you partner what you are doing, or where you are going, or who you are doing it with, will only lead to suspicion and suspicion leads to (further) lack of trust and does not help at all in achieving the aim of trust-building. Answering phone called in whispered tones, staying late at ‘work’, and hanging with your ‘friends’ after work does not cut it at this point. Those things can only take place in a relationship where there is trust.
Spend time together
Spending time together in rebuilding trust is extremely important. It has nothing to do with your partner wanting to be a Sherlock Holmes (Enola) in your life, it has to do with getting to know each other all over again, of eliminating suspicions, of making your partner your best friend, and of connecting emotionally. The same reasons that drew you to the other person that leads to cheating are the same things you should seek to build in your relationship.
Spend Time Together In Getting Your Ex To Trust You Again
Talk About Everything
In building trust with your ex, you have to talk about everything. You cannot have an effective relationship without communication as this helps to build closeness and friendship. Open up to them about who you really are deep down. Things you would not usually share with anyone. Talk about things that affect you, talk about your past, talk about your future plans, talk about your job, your school, talk about your finances — talk about everything! Make them feel YOU trust them and that is why you are opening up to them. Over time they will begin to trust and open up to you.
Be Willing To Answer Any Questions
One of the most important things in rebuilding trust is the willingness to answer the 101 questions that come after betrayal. You simply cannot get away from it. If you resist then your partner will have no choice but to state the obvious — that you are hiding something. After all, if you don’t have anything to hide what is the harm in answering? There is more positive to answering if you want to rebuild trust than anything else. If cheating is the cause of the initial breakup that leads to them being your ex then be prepared to have them ask about the other person and what lead you to that place. They will ask the last time you were in touch and if you are still in touch etc. Questions that may seem annoying to you, but that is important to your ex as they try to gain closure and security.
Be Patient In Getting Your Ex To Trust You Again
Be Patient
Rebuilding trust will take time. The amount of time will be dependent on the amount of effort you put in and the extent of the initial damage done. Some persons tend to get annoyed with their ex if they ask the same questions over and over. There is actually a strategy for this. If part of covering up your infidelity was lying, then a week or two or even months down the line they will ask the same question to confirm if you remember what your response was back then. Obviously, if they get a different answer then they would know you have not been honest and they will not trust so.
Be Understanding
Understand that you caused hurt previously and that your ex will be guarding themselves against further pain. As a result, they may not readily open up to you and the relationship will not immediately be where it once was. Understand that it will take time for them to trust you and that their reservation is quite natural. It’s their natural human instinct coming out. Place yourself in your ex’s shoes, would you immediately start trusting someone who lied and cheated on you simply because they tell you they are sorry and that they will not do it again? Would you not want to see proof? Well, it’s the very same with your ex.
Be Understanding In Getting Your Ex To Trust You Again
Seek Counseling
Depending on the reason why your ex does not trust you, you may need counseling to repair the damage. This will help you both to understand the reason behind the action that leads to the destruction of the trust and give you both ways on how to work through and pass it.
