Breakup is one of the most devastating things that anyone could go through. It is something no one can ever truly understand unless they themselves have been there. In fact, persons have been known to suffer severe mental illnesses, end up in the hospital from anxiety attacks, and even commit suicide after going through a breakup. But how do you really cope with the stress after a breakup? Everyone deals with the situation differently as everyone’s tolerance for emotional stress varies.
Here is how 3 women fared after their breakups.
Amber, a forty-six-year-old Canadian, said she was married for 14 years when her husband dumped her for her friend. She knew her husband since high school and they were so in love and had four children together. Twelve years into the marriage Amber became ill with lung cancer. Her treatment put a damper on their finances and she was not able to work anymore, nor was she able to spend as much time with her husband as before. As a result, He started hanging out with Amber’s friend who would come by to visit her regularly. Amber had no issues with the two hanging out as her friend was also married and all four had gone out together a number of times before she got ill.
” I didn’t mind them hanging out together at all. I even encouraged them to go out of the house sometimes when she visited,” she was my best friend and I knew her from middle school, so I trusted them together. I think my husband was stressed over the fact that I was so sick and I felt if he went out with my friend and her husband he would feel better.”
She was in the middle of treatment and by now the bank had foreclosed on their home. It was really a tough time for her and her family. They had to give up the house and started paying rent.
“In the midst of all this, my husband told me he was leaving me and that he and my friend were getting together! I was so shocked,” Amber said. “I never imagined something like that was going on between them. She left her husband and he left me. Everyone was shocked – our parents, our friends, our kids, it was very bad!”
Amber said she tried to focus on her treatment and getting better. Thankfully months later her treatment ended as she had to go through it alone. Not only did she lose her husband but she lost her best friend. She was devasted! She said she cried endlessly and outside of the treatment that made her lose weight she started losing even more weight rapidly. But despite the seriousness of her illness, and even though she knew it was wrong, Amber started doing hard drugs and smoking. This was the only thing she said that gave her any comfort. The only issue was she was not fully functional physically and could hardly take care of herself. She said the drugs made her always hungry and she had to find ways to support her habits. She had to move in with her parents who tried to help her as best they could.
Today, she admits she is no longer on hard drugs but still smokes a lot, a habit she is trying to break. Her husband and her friend are still together. However, the hurt has subsided. What she feels now is complete anger towards them both.
Coping with stress after a break up
For 37-year old Melissa, a Jamaican resident, her situation was different. Eight years ago she was the one standing at the alter waiting for her groom to show up in what should have been the happiest day of her life. Instead when she got there expecting to see her husband-to-be waiting at the alter he wasn’t. She stood there waiting, an hour went by, then two, then three. All calls to his phone proved futile. Persons who gathered in the church thought something must have happened to him as the two were so in love and inseparable prior to that day.
One family member said this turned out to be the worst day of his cousin’s life as they found out the groom had ditched her at the altar. Today, Eight years later, Melissa is seen in the town where she lives walking the street dirty and having conversations with herself. The situation drove her mad. No amount of intervention from her family has been able to help her.
But for others like Maria, she decided she wasn’t going to let her breakup get the better of her and that she wasn’t going to let what her ex did shape her future. She too was married but said the person she married turned out to be a total stranger compared to the one she knew prior.
“We dated for almost three years,” Maria said. “He was the gentlest, most caring person I ever met. He was very thoughtful of my feelings and promised never to let anything or anyone hurt me in life. He was very protective,” she said. “After we got married was when the real person came out. He was verbally abusive and very disrespectful. But worst of all I found out he had another family for the past four years leading up to our marriage that I knew nothing about. He was having an affair with another woman and had a young child with her. After we got married she started threatening me and calling me all sorts of names. I left him.”
Today, she said she has gone back to school to study something she always wanted to do – psychology and will be using this to help other women who have gone through similar situations.
“It was really hard for me when I left him, even though I am the one who left and he kept begging me to come back. But once you lose trust in your relationship there is really no way of getting it back. In fact, it would be easier to move on and start fresh than to spend the rest of my life trying to bring my marriage back to life. So I left. And as hard as it was at first I realize that every day it gets a little easier.”
Coping can be really hard after a breakup
So how to cope with stress after a breakup?
1. Let it all out!
One of the best things to do is not to keep your emotions bottle up inside of you, and so go ahead and let it all out – find an alone spot and scream as hard as you can, break something if you need to, jump up and down – just let it out!! When you are done letting it out, cry and cry and cry. You may feel like you are choking but cry anyways. This is another good way of letting out pent up emotions, whether it’s anger, hurt, frustration, or betrayal.
2. Turn to your faith
Trust that you were created for much more than to be confined to a relationship. Believe that God created you for a bigger purpose. That you were created special and unique and that the fact that the person who broke up with you or that you had to break up with did not see this, means they were not at your level. Believe it or not, you were way too good for them. Trust that you can do better than what you just lost. This is the time to encourage yourself and find strength in you and in God.
3. Look at the positives
Stress from a breakup usually comes because we can’t see ourselves without the other person. It comes when we look ahead and see ourselves alone for the rest of our lives. We see the one person we love and depended on gone from our lives and that stings us like death. But guess what? think about someone close to you that you lost to death, a parent, a sibling, a close friend, remember how hard it was then, and look at where you are now in terms of healing. Well, the same will happen now, the memories and the pain from the loss due to the breakup will be there but much less stinging. Look at how good it felt when you were just dating and the joys dating brought. You can do this all over again. This time tell yourself that not everyone who comes into your life will do so to stay forever. Once you start accepting that the hurt will begin to subside.
4. Don’t forget to take care of you
No one needs you now more than you. Avoid falling into the trap of letting yourself go and giving up on you. Be a Maria, Tell yourself you are going to live your best life. In fact do what I did when I was in my 20’s and had my heart broken, tell yourself you are going to make the best of your life and that someday he is going to want to come back. I did. And he did come back. The only issue by then was that I had outgrown him. When he did return I looked at him and wondered what the heck was I carrying on about? He didn’t even look attractive anymore. Funny, he was the same person, probably looked the same and even better, but I had changed.
Take care of you after a breakup
5. Change for you
This is not saying change to suit him and be the person they wanted or would want. No. This is changing the way you think about yourself and changing the value you place on yourself. Yes, you will hurt after a breakup but how you view the situation will determine your future and how you move on from it. Do you draw in your safe place and lose your self-esteem? Do you fight back and say ‘I am better than this’? Do you allow them to go on living their normal life while you are trapped in a relationship that will never be? There is a Caribbean saying – ‘What is yours can not be not yours’. Complicated? Not really, it simply means if they were meant to be yours, no matter where they go and what they do they will come right back to you. If they were not meant to be yours then the person who is for you will come to you. So change your mindset and the outlook on the situation.
6. Do not isolate yourself
Seek to go out with friends and socialize. You will not want to but force yourself to do so. Use the thought that your ex may be out enjoying themselves right now while you are moping over them. Then get up and go!
7. If you were living together and they moved out – get a pet
If you were living together and they moved out, get a pet to shower with all the love and attention you would have showered on your partner. A pet, eg. a dog or a cat will require your time and attention, and this will have you thinking about the breakup less.
8. Write and write some more
Writing is good therapy. Write out how you feel. Write how you want to feel, write what you would like to tell your ex, write where you see your self a year from now, two years, five years… write. Sometimes you may not be able to explain the way you are feeling to someone but you can do so on paper. This calms you and gives you some perspective mentally.
Writing is a good therapy after a breakup
9. Find your own identity
The reason we get stuck on a breakup is that we gave so much of ourselves to the other person – both time and attention that when they leave, we no longer know who we are. We got morphed into their world and maybe even put our needs aside to accommodate them. Now that it is over it is time to start finding yourself all over again. Write down what you want to do in life or something you have been wanting to do but never got around to. Start planning ways on how you can accomplish this. For example, you wanted to do interior design as a hobby. Search the internet for places in your area or even online that offer this and pursue your dream.
10. Exercise
Another great way to release stress and feel good about yourself in the process is exercising. If you are a gym person continue doing so. If COVID has forced your local gym closed go for walks. Outdoor walking is very good as it not only keeps you healthy but it also distracts you. Outside distraction is particularly good if you were living together as you get the chances each day to get out of the house.
11. Confront the issues
Well, you are at a calmer place now, thus it is time to confront the issues that lead to your breakup. This will allow you to heal from it and learn from it. However, avoid the urge to self-blame, in fact, do not even blame your ex anymore for the breakup. Now you forgive and seek to move on day by day. While confronting the issues also come to term with the fact that you are broken up and you may never get back together. Each time you allow these thoughts into your head you may find yourself crying all over again, but eventually, it gets easier. When you can think about not getting back together without tears welling up in your eyes, this means you are on your way to recovery.