Forty-three-year old *Libby said she wants to believe her husband of eight years has changed for the better but said she is treading with caution and eyes wide open.
Libby, who lives in North America shares her story.
“I have been married for eight years. When I got married I thought I knew my husband very well. We never lived together prior to getting married because that is against my belief. But two months after getting married and moving in with him, I realized I married a complete stranger. All the promises he made to me for the two years that we were courting were just words. He turned out to be perfect in two things. Lying and cheating. I have never met anyone in all my life that was so good at lying, if lying was a profession he would have made millions from it, and I am not exaggerating! Everything he told me was a lie. He worked out of town and so we weren’t able to see each other as much during our courtship. But we spent hours on top of hours on the phone. I felt I knew him better than I knew myself. That was how much we shared.
I discovered that when he left his home for work, usually for three weeks at a time, he was actually living with another woman and her kids, and not staying at camp provided by his work as he had told me. He had a full family there. I also found out he was involved with another woman at his work and was well known there for sleeping with any woman that made themselves available. But there was one that he was also involved with there for two years that he had a full-blown relationship with. She even got pregnant during that time. I later found out that the child was for her husband (or given to her husband I don’t know which), but my husband was not named as the father.
Within the next year of our marriage, I began to discover affair after affair, some began while we were courting, some after we were married. In total, I counted eight that he later admitted to… I don’t know how many more there were that I knew nothing of. This was definitely not the man I thought I had married. He always tells me that he had no time for cheating and didn’t know how some men could do things like that because it takes too much energy and time. He told me that he had me so there was no reason for him to even think about things like that. I believed him. Why? Because I could call him any hour of the day or night and he would answer and we would have very long conversations. And so of course I had no reason to doubt his faithfulness and his sincerity. I definitely had no reason to think that he was living with some other woman!
My parents loved him, they thought he was the best thing that could have happened to me because for the first time in years they realized I was genuinely happy.
After we got married and things began to unravel my entire life fell apart. This was my second marriage and I had gone through some serious physical abuse that landed me in the hospital once so I didn’t have a good first-hand experience of relationships. I had kept to myself for almost 10 years before he came along. So when I met him and he promised to love and protect me and always be there for me I was very reluctant but after his continued determination and commitment I decided to let him into my life.
Of course, I was devasted when I discovered the person I married was the total opposite of the one who courted me for two years. The very opposite to the man I envisioned I would someday marry if I ever decided to again. So two months after we got married I was thinking of getting out. I had lost total and complete trust in him, I lost respect for him and I lost my joy. I had to fight to get the other woman off the mortgage, I had verbal confrontations with some of his women and life was the very opposite of what I expected and what he promised. Things had changed very quickly, very fast.
I decided it was time to leave and so I packed my stuff and was looking for a place to live as I had sold my own home and given up my job to move across the state to where he was. I was too ashamed to let my family know and so I suffered in silence. The one person that I had finally opened up to after so many years and who had decided to protect me was hurting me more than I could ever imagine.
I grew numb towards him, towards men in general, towards life and I gave up on myself for being in this position for the second time.
I was a strong believer in God, I was not as committed as I was supposed to be, but during this, I was drawn closer to God. I decided to be baptized in a local church as I felt I needed the comfort that I know only God could offer. That is what kept me.
After a while, I realized he began to show some changes in his behavior. Then he told my pastor he wanted to be baptized too as he wanted to start a new life. That was three years ago. Since then I haven’t seen any indication that he is having affairs, or that he is lying. Sometimes I still wonder if he got baptized because he realized I was moving out and I always told him it would take a miracle for me to stay. But three years seem a long time for him to be faking it.”
So the question is can people change or can they just fake it?
Cheating is extremely hard to move past, some people never do and never ended up in another relationship while thousands of couples have broken up as a result of infidelity. However, there are still thousands who have stayed with each other and worked past it together.
Expert says:
In a new study titled Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships researchers found that persons who had been unfaithful in previous relationships were three times more likely to cheat on their current partner than those who did not report any previous indiscretions. That means dating someone who’s previously cheated on their partner means there is a very good chance they’ll cheat on you as well. This research also found that the more a person lies, the more they become comfortable lying.
The study was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior and looked at 484 participants in mixed-gender relationships. Participants were asked to record their instances of sex with people other than their partner and whether they suspected their partner had been unfaithful in previous relationships and their current relationship.
The research also found that those who reported that their partner cheated in their previous relationship were twice as likely to report that their partner cheated on them in their current relationship. It also found that participants who suspected previous partners of cheating were four times more likely to suspect a current partner of infidelity, thus the person cheated on became mistrustful of their next partner, even without that partner doing anything personally to warrant this feeling. The research covered both married couples and couples who were dating.
One researcher from the Princeton Neuroscience Institute, Neil Garrett, noted that the first time persons commit adultery they feel bad about it but the next time they feel less bad resulting in them committing the act again and again. He explained too that while guilt often plagues first-time cheaters, this reaction is diluted as a person continues to cheat, allowing them to cheat more with a decreasing amount of guilt. He also noted that one of the reasons people continue to cheat in their relationships is that they adapt to lying, and lying becomes normal as they continue to cheat.
“When a cheater is caught they will apologize profusely and promise never to commit the act again,” Sandrine Meirwood, a counseling psychologist from one Caribbean Island said. “Such promises are however hard to keep unless the underlining factor of why the cheating took place, to begin with, is addressed. This is why the persons who cheated will have the best of intentions never to go this route again but when faced with the situation will do the very same thing over again,” Meirwood explained.
She noted that once this is properly determined and dealt with the person will no longer need to be branded a cheater as he would have been reformed.
How can you tell that your partner has changed? And that they are not just faking it?
We caught up with Libby’s husband *Dave who was surprisingly more than willing to share.
” I know my wife does not trust me. I can definitely understand that based on what I did. It has been a few years and she always said I was a serial liar and a serial cheater. But I am not that person anymore and I can tell everyone that people can change. No matter how much research they do I am living testimony that people can change,” he said. “I know I am just one person but I am sure there are hundreds of other people who have done what I did and can testify today that they are not that person anymore.”
How did his change occur? As per Dave:
So in general, how can you tell that someone has changed and not faking it?
1. They show genuine remorse and regret for having cheated
2. All contact with past lovers have been completely severed
3. The complete devotion to you is obvious and is evident in the way they talk to you and treat you
4. They are open to answering any question you may have about the past while you try to move forward
5. They are willing to go through the process of counseling to begin their acceptance and transformation for healing
6. They are willing to do everything with you
7. They have made you the center of their world and your opinion matters to them
If they confess to cheating and promise that they will never do it again but continues displaying the signs below, then they could very well be faking it. Here are some signs they may be faking a change:
* They say they are not cheating but…
* Cannot account for their whereabouts.
If they cannot account for their whereabouts but continues giving the impression that they are working late or is putting in weekend shift even though their office is closed on weekends, then you know they are faking that they have changed.
* Always go out alone and never invites you along.
When you suggest going along with them they find every excuse why it’s not a good idea and promises to take you out at another time — only that other time never comes.
* They start dressing and doing things out of their norm
If they have suddenly started dressing up differently from their usual style, chances are they are trying to catch or hold the attention of someone new.
* Their cell phone password has changed
Before he started cheating you could answer his cell phone or pick it up without him snappy at you. You knew his password even though you never had a need to use it. Suddenly his password has changed and when you ask why it creates a big argument between you.
* He rarely touches you
There doesn’t seem to be any intimate contact between you anymore despite him saying he has ended his affair. When you try to get intimate, he complains of being tired.
* They are angry at you all the time for no specific reason
Your partner seems to always be angry at you and you just cannot seem to be able to do anything to please them.
* He travels with condoms.
He travels it condoms in his wallet even though you are on the pills and never used condoms for years.
If your partner is guilty of most of these traits then you know they are faking and not ready or willing to let go of their lying cheating ways. As a result, it may be time for you to move on to what you truly deserve. Happiness.
*Names have been changed to protect the identities of the persons.