Thirty-seven-year-old Marsha had the mindset that men were known cheaters and so she was not about to take any chances and played blind to the possibilities of what can happen.
Some years ago, while in an interview with her, she explained it all.
“I would tell women to encourage their men to use condoms because the reality of sexually transmitted diseases is out there,” said the woman who had lived with HIV for six years before it transgressed into AIDS.
A very skinny looking Marsha contracted the virus from her spouse who rejected her suggestions to use condoms outside of their relationship.
“Women have to take the fact that HIV/AIDS is out there as a reality check,” she added. “You know that the disease is out there; you don’t want it to come home to you,” she warned.
Marsha said that while she was in her relationship for four years, she would not only encourage her partner to use condoms outside of their relationship but also gave them to him.
“Whenever I go out, I would pick up a stack of condoms for him and a stack for myself. But he would refuse them or throw them down and ask me why I was giving them to him,” she said. “I am the type of woman who would from time to time check his stock to see if any was missing… I remember one time three were missing and I replaced them, and he got upset because I did that.”
Being cheated on Changes you
Marsha said she felt he reacted in that way because he did not want her to think he was cheating.
“I am always expecting the unexpected, so it was more fun for me to top it up than anything else. But he would be very annoyed,” she said.
Then one day her worst fear came true; she learned she was HIV-positive.
“My only reaction was to let my mom know,” she recalled. “God gave me a kind of humility… I didn’t argue with him. At first, it was a kind of blame game, but I never went outside of the relationship, so I reminded him of the times when the condoms were missing.”
Shortly afterward, she and her partner separated and this, she said, was more out of guilt on his part.
“He is now living abroad. But I don’t think that even today he is understanding of the facts around it (living with HIV/AIDS) and that would hamper me,” Marsha said at the time. “So based on my reality, I would tell women to encourage their men to use condoms outside.”
Women, especially those who are married, cringe at the thought of telling their spouses to use condoms if they get involved with someone outside of the relationship. They feel that to do so is giving him the go-ahead to be unfaithful. Not so, said Marsha.
“We live in a promiscuous society; that is the harsh reality. Men and their egos will feel that they should have more than one woman. And so a woman has to be practical in her relationship, especially if she sees signs or even has the slightest suspicion that her man is cheating,” she pointed out.
Cheating cost one woman her life
But based on Marsha’s reality, while the ideal thing should be one woman to one man, this is not the reality in society. And sadly, not the reality based on the infidelity statistics. It is, therefore, critical that people use protection.
It has long been established that cheating has been taking place from the beginning of time and more than likely will never end until the end of time. However, cheating is a choice, and while it may bring one person pleasure, it can change the life of the partner being cheated on forever. The fact, however, both men and women cheat.
According to the 2020 infidelity statistics, about 40 percent of unmarried relationships and 25 percent of marriages see at least one incident of infidelity. While an issue of Marriage and Divorce journal also stated that 70 percent of all Americans engage in some kind of affair sometime during their marital life. See https://hernorm.com/infidelity-statistics/. Based on these statistics, one could conclude that cheating seems to be the norm rather than the exception
Another study, published by the University of California, Los Angeles Centre on Behavior, Culture, and Evolution and the University of New Mexico, says women have evolved to cheat on their mates during the most fertile part of their cycle.
Yet another study, which was published in Evolution and Human Behavior, found that women are more likely to fantasize about men other than their mates.
But the studies underscored that cheating is a choice, and women choose whether to translate the genetic aspect into unfaithful behavior.
Cheating is a choice
Men, on the other hand, have been shown study after study, to be more willing to act out their fantasies.
“Women who encourage their partners to use condoms outside of the relationship or women who give condoms to their partners are not encouraging the act, but rather saying to the men ‘I don’t trust you and I need to protect myself,” Marsha said then.
“I wouldn’t see it as encouraging the man to go out there; it is more protecting yourself because the truth is that you don’t know what the outside woman is doing, and they can say anything. So while the ideal thing should be one woman, one man that is not happening. You, therefore, need to be practical,” Marsha said.
It is, therefore, advised that persons stick to one partner, if not, ask yourself ‘Am I willing to live with HIV/AIDS because of one moment of sexual pleasure?’ Am I willing to put my partner at risk?’
Marsha passed away within months of this interview. This is how cheating affected her life. It killed her!
Whether you are male or female cheating changes you forever
But whether you are a man or a woman, cheating changes you forever. This is Claire’s story.
Claire was married for three years, things were going well and she had just had a baby, her first. She felt that things could not get better. They were both devoted Christians and he conducted church services on a regular basis. When he got accepted in the army things changed.
“I don’t know if it was the stress of the training or what,” she said. “But he got withdrawn whenever he came home on weekends or whenever I went to visit him. Then one night he was coming home and I decided to do something special for him,” she said. “I put on red lingerie and lit some candles. But the moment he walked through the door he was just so angry. I tried to touch him but he pushed me away.”
Then the bomb dropped. Without warning and without any form of sensitivity, he started shouting at me and telling me it was my fault why he had been sleeping with two other women.
He began to say bits and pieces about one girl who was in training with him and the other who visited the camp from time to time – she had slept with just about anyone there who was willing,” Claire recalled. “I believed he was angrier with himself than with me and just couldn’t deal with the fact that he had failed, me, himself, and God.”
Lisa, another woman who had been cheated on said in her opinion once your partner has started cheating things just never got back to the way it was before.
She too had a young child, and her husband cheated with a 15-year-old. So how did cheating change both their lives?
Cheating destroys trust
For Claire:
- I was full of hate towards him
- Once he started, he never stopped so there were constant arguments at home.
- I gave up on ever being enough or him
- I lost complete trust for him and men in general
- I realized you can do so much and no more because if a person decides to cheat on you, there is nothing that you can do to change their minds
- I divorced him
- I became a single mom
- I trust no one and I never will
- I became withdrawn from people
For Lisa:
- I was always suspicious
- I lost my self-esteem
- I lost my happiness
- I lost trust
- I avoided relationships for years after – Then when I finally decided to trust someone else, he cheated on me too.
- Now I just see men as dogs who care only about self gratifications.
- Being cheated on is a messy situation that takes a small part of you away every time your partner lays down with someone else. Each time you lose a little piece of your self-esteem and if it happens long enough you lose who you really are completely.
“Being cheated on changes you as a person,” Lisa said.
Gregory said he too had been cheated on by his girlfriend of 3 years. For him, the pain was devasting as he had invested a lot into this relationship.
Men are also changed by cheating
“She was the first woman I cared so deeply about. With her it wasn’t just about sex, it was sharing your heart, your future plans and just looking up to them to motivate you,” Gregory said. “She met my mother and they got along so well, so she was really a part of the family and a part of me.”
He admitted that without a doubt this situation changes him as a person:
“The biggest thing is that I trust no woman. They will smile with you and sleep with you the night before and leave and go straight into another man’s bed. When she comes back to you smiling you cannot tell and you and her will jump back into bed,” he said. “You cannot trust a woman.”
For Gregory:
- I no longer have any trust in women
- I am no longer looking for a long term relationship. I don’t get attached to any woman.
- Now it’s just about sex and nothing more
- If I see where a woman is getting attached to me I leave because I won’t give anyone the chance to hurt me like that again
- I don’t see myself settling down with any woman
Cheating is more than just sex
Is it just about sex that causes people to cheat?
When a person feels tempted to cheat, it rarely has to do with just sex or the way another person looks. The following are the main reasons it is believed why persons cheat:
* Being stuck in a pattern in your relationship
*Taking each other for granted
*Lack of communication
* Boredom
* Not feeling loved and appreciated
* Out of revenge because your partner may have cheated on you in the past
* Acting out based on past relationships
* The need for validation
The signs
* They leave the room to answer their cell phone or says ‘wrong number’ when their phone rings.
* They spend more time with ‘friends’ than with you.
* He carries condoms, and you are on the pill.
* They have a sudden preoccupation with their appearance.
* They don’t seem to be attracted to you anymore
* He no longer compliments you
* they used to cuddle you in bed but now they sleep with their back turn
* They ward off your attempts to initiate sex